Mind-Reading in Marriage (part 2)
Last week we talked about mind-reading and how it can be such a disappointing pattern when you think your partner should just know what you need when you need it. In case you missed it, you can read that here.
This week I want to talk about the other side of the mind-reading pattern. It’s also something I see a lot in my practice where one partner will say something like, “well no, I did not bring that up, because I already knew exactly how he/she was going to respond.”
To which I typically reply, “oh, so you can read your partner’s mind?”
The truth is, we don’t know exactly how our partner will respond to something.
Yes, you may have had a similar situation or pattern and you know things about what your partner may like and dislike, but when you assume that your partner will respond in a certain way and as a result of this pattern of mind-reading, you tend to either alter your communication or you avoid the conversation altogether.
You might tell yourself you’ll get a negative response to something because you’ve felt negativity in an area of the relationship, and this sets you up for a pattern called negative-sentiment override.
One of my clients used to refer to this pattern as the merry-go-round.
Altering and avoiding communicating with your partner because you are telling yourself you know how they will respond only perpetuates the pattern and many times you will treat your partner as if you’ve already had that conversation and you’ve already received that negative response even though you only actually had the conversation in your mind and not out loud.
Once you get into the pattern of negative sentiment override it can be difficult to get out because you aren’t actually having the conversations and you’re always assuming your partner’s negativity. Not having the actual conversations never allows for a positive response from your partner and keeps you perpetually stuck in assuming negativity and you might even begin to see your partner in a negative light altogether
When I reality test with clients about their assumptions of their partner’s negative responses and they actually have those conversations in session they find out things like:
Their partner gave a negative response to helping with the kiddos' bath time once when they were stressed from work, and if they could do it all over again they’d respond differently.
The assumption that was made in this case was that helping in the evenings was not going to happen, and one partner just assumed all responsibility without asking for help due to one negative response.
One partner didn't want to talk about vacation planning one evening because they’d just had an issue at work with a coworker who typically covers for them, and didn’t feel comfortable asking for coverage at that particular time.
The assumption that was made here was that vacations weren’t a priority for this person, and their partner was afraid to broach the subject. After further conversation in session it turned out this wasn’t the case, and once things were running smoother with the above mentioned coworker, vacation planning could easily resume.
One negative response from your partner should not mean you’ll always receive that response in similar scenarios, and it could just be situational.
So have the conversations. Make the requests. Don’t assume you know exactly how your partner will respond and get into a rut of negative sentiment override.
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