When Marriage Feels Hopeless

When that rage burns through your body like a dragon breathing fire because you feel like your partner is just never going to get it, do you feel like just burning it all down? 

Do you want to throw in the towel and wave your white flag? 

Do you feel like locking the front door and just walking away completely? 

I feel your pain. 

I know it feels like things will never get better. 

I know these cycles can make you become paralyzed and withdrawn and it makes it hard to focus on your work and your kids. 

That feeling is terrible - feeling so stuck and not knowing what to do next, the guilt and the shame. 

You can go back and fight it out again, or you can retreat and try to soothe yourself with the usual - social media, shopping, drinks with friends, or maybe a trip to the gym…

They make you forget about the rage, the sadness, and utter disappointment of being in the same place you’ve been in for way too long. 

But they are only temporary. 

That’s not how you truly want to live. You don’t want to be numb and disconnected, and you’re probably really missing out on your kids' lives and giving them too much screen time because you just don’t have the energy to be engaged like you want to be. 

I’m not judging you. I know you’re doing the best you can do right now. But we both know you’re capable of so much more.  

I want to remind you of a couple things:

I want to remind you that you’re still in your relationship for a reason, probably multiple reasons. 

Maybe it’s your kids, or the life you’ve built together, and there’s probably still a lot of love there. Those things are so important to you or you’d be googling attorneys in your area rather than scrolling tiktok. 

I also want to remind you of a different time in your life. 

You can probably remember a time when you felt so happy and connected to your partner. A time when you were in love and had so much hope and excitement for the future. 

I know that you think about leaving and it might be hard to even remember a time when you weren’t fighting. 

But not being able to remember doesn’t mean that those happy times did not exist. It just means that you’re exhausted from being on the merry-go-round of fighting. 

Does this sound like a familiar cycle to you: Do you blow-up, push away, give the silent treatment, and then start speaking again when you have to (because of some shared commitment), and then extend an olive branch somehow and return to homeostasis, until the next time?  

I know these cycles so well! I know them because I see them day after day. When couples step into our offices for the first time we always ask them to describe the dance they do when they get into fights and while every couple is unique the cycles sound pretty similar. 

I know that this cycle is so frustrating because not only is it exhausting, it’s also not productive. You’re not actually solving any of the issues that are causing the blow-ups, and you know that you’re going to have the same argument again in a couple weeks. 

If you’re ready to get off the merry-go-round and start communicating in a way that makes you feel heard, respected, connected, and loved, we want to help. Click the link below to book your free, 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you set up with one of our expert couples therapists and help you stop feeling like you’re ready ro burn it all down! 

Why Marriage Counseling is not a Quick Fix

“Five minutes to freedom.” 

“15 minutes a day to make six figures.”

“Change your entire life with this hack” 

I don't know about you but my IG feed is FULL of clickbait titles like this. My email inbox is also full of headlines like this. 

Social media and marketing are made to grab our attention and pull on our heart strings. People want to sell us on the notion that we aren't good enough without whatever they have to sell us. 

The therapy space is a little different. I’m not a coach. I’ll never claim to be a guru, and I’ll never splash photos of me and my husband across the Internet asking people - do you want what I have? The truth about those types of posts and emails is that anyone can portray their relationship any way they’d like. Social media is the highlight reel, and anyone who claims that having a great marriage comes easy is full of it! 

The truth is, I don’t have a quick and easy way for you to have the marriage of your dreams. Marriage is like anything else in that the grass grows where you water it. 

I’ve seen hundreds, maybe even thousands of clients over the past 15 years. Not all of them stick with me long-term, and I’d be lying if I told you they did {but clearly you know that I cannot physically see 1000 clients in one week - my max is actually 12}.

The reasons people quit therapy varies: Some of them don’t click with the therapist, some don’t want to make the financial investment, and some really want a quick fix. 

This last one is probably the hardest for me to see. I try to be as honest as possible about what couples can expect when they start marriage counseling. I tell them that they should plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months, and if they are going through infidelity recovery, it will be at least a year. 

Those are rough estimates. Most of the patterns that keep couples stuck in cycles of blow-out arguments, silent treatment, and other unhealthy patterns are due to each individual’s unresolved traumas. 

When people quit therapy and say that it isn’t working, it’s usually because they are unwilling to look at their own patterns and want so badly for the pain to end. Having a weekly reminder of what isn’t working is difficult and I’m totally aware of the lack of motivation that can hit you when you’re having a great day but you know that you have therapy later and are going to be encouraged to look at some heavy stuff. 

It’s easy to think that because you’ve been able to string together a few good days with no fights or negativity, that the relationship will be fine. But how many times have you thought that already, only to end up in the same place - hurting and looking for a way out? 

Marriage Counseling is hard. 

Marriage Counseling is a commitment. 

Marriage counseling will not improve your relationship overnight. 

Marriage counseling will only work as hard as you do. 

But that’s why my clients are some of the bravest people that I have ever met! 

The clients that stick with it, hunker down, and brace themselves to do the work - the ones that continue to show up week after week get stronger and stronger, and when they weather the eye of the storm, they come out on the other side with soooo much love, intimacy, self-discovery, and pride. 

Graduating couples from marriage counseling is the greatest perk of the job. The last session I have with couples is about reflecting on where they started. We talk about the ups and the downs, and then celebrate the new fulfilling connection they have worked so hard to create. It’s so much fun!

Thankfully there are also ways to make the process a little less challenging. Have I told you about Brainspotting yet? Actually, I know I did, I sent you an email about it a while back, but in case you didn’t get to it, I’ll link info here. (No hard feelings, I promise I don’t judge if you’re not fully reading every word I send you ;0) 

Brainspotting helps speed up the process towards healing. 

When I work with couples and one or both are struggling because they have unresolved traumas that are being triggered, I hit pause on our couples work and we do one or two sessions individually to work on those triggers and they feel so much relief once we do! Then we dive right back into our couples work and can keep moving forward. 

Before I was trained in Brainspotting this intersection when the trauma was triggered was such a challenge, it could take months and months to help the couple as a unit to get past this. 

I know I told you I don’t have a quick fix and that still rings true. Clients are still working while they are Brainspotting. They are still feeling big emotions and it is challenging, but it’s much more comfortable than walking around with it bouncing around, untethered. 

I also always end my Brainspotting sessions with an expansion spot - I help clients find something they’d like to feel; that might be peace, calm, excitement, or confidence, and they get to connect with that feeling in their body and it makes processing the difficult stuff so much more manageable! 

If you’re ready to do the work and have a truly transformed relationship I want to help! Click here and book your free 15-minute phone consultation, and we will find the right therapist in our office for you! 

Questions to ask a Marriage Counselor in Rancho Cucamonga

Finding a marriage counselor in any city is hard! Living in Rancho Cucamonga you are thankfully in a nicely populated area that gives you a few choices when it comes to marriage counseling. So let’s say you’ve done the legwork - searched google, yelp, and maybe asked around to a couple of friends and you’ve gotten a list of marriage counselors that seem nice enough. They will likely offer a free phone consultation, but what should you say and ask when you get on the phone? 

Questions to ask a marriage counselor in Rancho Cucamonga

I know how hard it is to find a great therapist! You might be wondering how I know that - if you think your therapist doesn't have a therapist, then you’re mistaken! Most great therapists have their own therapist. It’s really important that we continue to do our own work and have a place to process so we can best show up for our own clients. But it took me months to find a therapist so I know how dang hard it can be! 

It can also be hard to come to the realization that you need to hire someone to help you with your marriage, but a great marriage counselor is worth their weight in gold! It makes a huge difference in the results you will get when you hire the right marriage counselor, so let's talk about the right questions you need to ask: 

What is your specialization?  

If you are looking for help with your marriage, the first thing you’ll want to make sure is that the therapists you are consulting with are actually trained marriage counselors. If you were having a problem with your foot, you’d see a podiatrist, and if you needed a cavity filled you’d see a dentist. This is the same principle here - you are going to want to find the right professional for the job. Marriage troubles require a specially trained marriage counselor - not a therapist who tolerates working with couples from time to time. 

What type of marriage counseling do you do?

There are a couple different modalities of marriage counseling and you will want to ask about the marriage counselor’s way of working so that you have an idea of what to expect. Some of the most common and effective modalities are Gottman Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). 

Do you take insurance? 

Insurance is the least important factor for me when I think about finding the right person for the job.​ That’s because marriage is one of the most important relationships in your life, and if you are on the brink of losing it, or if it just isn't as fulfilling as you’d like, that causes so much pain and heartache and finding a highly trained specialist is going to help work through that pain much quicker than a marriage counselor who is just trying to figure things out week by week. 

I do also understand that it can be costly and if you aren’t able to pay out of pocket and must use your insurance to cover sessions, make sure you ask the marriage counselor what insurance panels they are on and what the copay is. You also will want to call your insurance company and make sure that marriage counseling is covered - sometimes they only cover individual or family counseling, depending on your plan, but you will want to know upfront so there are no financial surprises. 

What is the process like for new couples?

Some marriage counselors have an intake session the first session, some have more. Some marriage counselors like us at Rancho Counseling have a very structured, 4-step process for all new couples that includes couples and individual sessions as well as an extensive background questionnaire to get a full picture of what’s happening with each couple we work with right at the beginning so we can help them reach their goals in a timely manner. 

These are the most important questions that I think of when my friends are looking for marriage counselors in Rancho Cucamonga and I am offering my advice. I hope this helps you find the right marriage counselor!

If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call us at (909) 600-0306  for a free 15 minute phone consultation. We would be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with marriage counseling, you can read more about how Rancho Counseling can help here.

Are you suffering in silence?

How long have you spent struggling in your relationship? How many nights have you spent crying alone in the dark, while your partner sleeps next to you, wondering when or how things will ever get better? How many times have you had the same argument and gotten the same results - retreating to your corner, alone, hurt, broken, and feeling helpless? 

My guess is way too many. 

But why do we suffer alone, in silence? 

I’ve heard a lot of interesting opinions about why people choose not to share what’s going on in their marriage. Things like, “we agreed we’d never talk to our family about our marital problems because we didn’t want anyone to have a negative opinion about our partner.” 

I’ve also heard, “It’s not always bad so I’m afraid it will sound like I’m just trashing my partner.” 

Along with other things like: 

“People will judge me.”

“People would be shocked if they knew how bad things are.” 

Our Western society teaches us in so many ways that we should suffer in silence. If you’ve ever been told as a child to go to your room because you were having big emotions, then it’s really easy to internalize the belief that your emotions are too much and that you should not burden others with them. 

Most parents of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s weren’t equipped with the skills of conscious parenting and were likely so uncomfortable with their own emotions that they couldn’t deal with ours. They weren’t privy to the research we have now that shows that stuffing and suppressing emotions actually leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.

But one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work, and in my own healing is that suffering alone can only get you so far. And it isn’t very far.

It's difficult to undo those patterns that you’ve learned in your childhood, or push past the myths of talking about problems in your marriage. It’s not easy to reach out and tell someone that you don’t have things under control. It’s humbling, and it’s hard. 

It can feel like no one will ever understand the nuances of your relationship. It's scary to open up and talk about what’s going on because you might be afraid that talking to a therapist might force you to leave or make other life-altering decisions. 

Unless you’re in physical danger, a good therapist will not tell you that you should end your relationship. That’s not our job. 

If you come to couples therapy saying that you want to fix the relationship then a good couples therapist will be focused on helping you do that. 

Talking about the pain you’re feeling in your relationship can make things feel more real, and I know how scary that can be. But once you put it all out there, it can feel so relieving, and when you see a great couples therapist, you will truly understand that you are not alone. 

One of my favorite parts of the therapy process are the first few sessions. I know that couples are uncomfortable sharing what’s really going on behind closed doors. But one of my greatest gifts is instilling hope and letting couples know that they aren’t alone.We’ve seen some really difficult issues in my practice. But my staff and I have helped so many couples weather those difficult storms and create amazing, healthy, connected relationships that surpass what people even think is possible when they first sit down on the couch.

We also have a formula for success that is backed by tons and tons of research! The Gottman Method is one of the most effective tools for helping couples improve their marriages. So you dont just come in and see how things go. 

Our staff take the time to truly understand your relationship and each of you as individuals. We start with a couples session to get a sense of the issues you’re struggling with and also conduct a relationship history - we ask about the significant events that have happened in the relationship. 

After that, we do an individual session with each partner to get a sense of your personal histories and backgrounds. These play an important role in the way you communicate with one another. 

We also send out the Relationship Checkup - an extensive background questionnaire that will measure various aspects of your relationship and communication patterns.

All of these components give us a really good picture of where your strengths are as a couple as well as the areas that can use improvement. 

Once we collect all of the important background information we sit down with each couple and show them all of the components the research tells us are required for a happy, healthy relationship. We show each couple where their strengths are, along with their weaknesses and areas that we will be focusing on going forward. 

Every couple that works with us knows exactly what their sessions will be focused on because they get a print-out of all of their strengths and weaknesses. There’s no guess-work. Our therapists get to work and help couples reach their goals. They focus on the issues and help couples create amazing, joyful, intimate, connected marriages. 

You don’t have to suffer alone. Once you put voice to what's happening the spinning in your head will stop. You can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

If any of this sounds like you, I want to help. Imagine what it will feel like moving into Fall feeling like you REALLY want to cozy up to your partner.  Imagine starting 2024 with a clear vision for the future of your relationship AND a supportive therapist behind you as you take those scary steps forward. 

Picture how connected you'll be this time next year after pushing past your fears - of failure, of not knowing where to start, of anyone knowing what’s really going on in your marriage - and seeing all of the progress you've made together. 

You'll be so proud of your relationship and you would have spent the last year learning, healing, connecting, and creating an unstoppable, deep, intimate bond and gained communication tools that you will have for the rest of your lives together. 

The things we teach couples take time and practice to implement, but once our couples understand what is under their behaviors, they begin to experience lasting change. They create more intimacy and their love continues to grow even after they graduate from therapy.  

Will Marriage Counseling Help? A note about Timing

After weeks of putting it off, I finally did it. I went into my backyard and I pulled out the jungle of weeds that had taken over. 

The weeds had been growing for months and months, and here in California, we had an exceptionally wet winter. I watched every day as the weeds grew taller and taller. But I was waiting for the perfect time to finally go out and clear the yard. 

As I watched and waited, the taller they grew, the more overwhelming the job seemed. 

With a gathering of friends at my home looming, and a stretch of sunny days in the forecast, I finally made the time to do it. The morning was hot AF, and by the time I was done my back and leg muscles were extremely sore and tired. 

As I was working, I thought about you, and I thought about timing. And how sometimes you just aren’t ready. Sometimes you know that the job ahead is going to be longer and harder the more you put it off, but sometimes it’s really just about finding that window of time to really dive into some of things that seem really daunting. 

I think this is the case for a lot of people like you who have been struggling in their marriages. You’ve probably watched the fights getting closer, and closer together, or the distance between you and your partner growing larger and larger as you spend days and days without speaking to one another. 

You know that things can get better, but you also know that you need guidance to get you to that place. 

Therapy might seem like that daunting task - the one that you know you really need to dive into.  

I totally understand that you might be waiting for the “right“ moment to start. 

But the longer you wait, the bigger the weeds will get, and the more muscle power you’ll need. Things aren’t always going to align and fall into place. So maybe this email is the gentle nudge that you need to pick up the phone and finally make your first couples therapy appointment. 

Or if you’re already in therapy with one of our rockstar therapists at Rancho Counseling, maybe this is the nudge that you need to go a little deeper in your next session; to bring up something that seemed daunting before, something that you know you’ve been needing to address. 

Once you truly lean in and trust in the process, there can be a little clearing for you to enjoy much like the one I created in my own backyard. 

My kids now have more area to play along with my dogs. 

When I look out the window, I no longer see a cumbersome task, but the edge of my yard filled with emptiness and opportunity to plant some new beautiful flowers that will be much more enjoyable than the weeds that once covered the area.

Leaning into your process and creating a clearing in your own mind or relationship will allow you the space to create something amazing! 

What is that for you? 

What do you wish you had more room for in the space between you and your partner? 

Once you clear all the BS, what will you fill the space with? More date nights? More sex? More connective, soul connecting conversations that feel supportive and fulfilling? 

Or if you’re solo, maybe freeing yourself from the hurt of your childhood traumas will give you the space to create more meaningful friendships or even a new romantic relationship?

Hit reply and let me know, or comment below. I love hearing from you! 

Now is actually a fantastic time to start therapy! Yahsemin just opened up several evening times in her schedule and has openings Thursdays from 3-7pm! 

Yahsemin is fantastic and has been with Rancho Counseling for over a year now. She’s gotten so much experience and training and is about to take her clinical exam for licensure! 

Yahsemin has worked with some of the most difficult cases over the last year here, she’s helped couples through the infidelity recovery process and has helped so many couples improve their communication and connection over the past year - I just had to throw out there how proud I am of her!