When work causes Anxiety

Do you ever get a pit in your stomach when you think about going to work? Or meeting with your boss or a potential client? 

Your palms might get sweaty, your throat might feel dry, you might feel nauseous or get that sinking or butterfly feeling in your stomach.

Over the last couple of months these are some of the anxiety symptoms I’ve helped clients clear with Brainspotting. Most of these difficult symptoms cleared after just one session.

One. Session.

Think about that…   

Have you ever had trouble sleeping the night before a big meeting? 

They don’t call it the “Sunday Scaries” for nothing - it’s a pretty widely accepted thing to feel anxious on Sunday about the work week ahead.

But what happens when you absolutely can’t go to work because your anxiety and panic is just too high?

It might seem extreme, but I’ve known plenty of people to take leaves of absences, or stress leaves from work.

When I worked in county mental health, stress leaves were just part of the culture. 

But I’m here to tell you, that is not normal!

You don’t have to accept that! You should feel confidant, calm, collected, level headed, and ready to tackle whatever your boss has to say, or whatever the project has in store for you. 

We’ve all got to make money, my friend.

{I’m still waiting for that distant, filthy, rich aunt, or uncle to leave me millions in their will too}

But making money shouldn’t come at the cost of your mental health.

You also don’t have to be in an intense, high stress type of job to experience work-related anxiety. 

Many times the stress and angst people experience is actually rooted in feelings of not being good enough, not producing enough, or just not being enough. Most of those underlying beliefs come from family of origin or childhood.

When we help clients find a brainspot and do some deep, focused processing, those old beliefs move from the hind-brain (where they produce mostly involuntary bodily responses) to the prefrontal cortex, and no longer produce physical, fight or flight symptoms.

I'm talking heading to the office singing to the music all the way there, sitting in a meeting with your thoughts cool, calm and collected, being asked questions and responding without a quiver in your voice, or a second guess, feeling grounded and in your power. 

These are just a few of the ways my clients have described feeling after their Brainspotting sessions, and this could be you too! 

Does this sound like something you’d like? Do you want to feel more joy, presence, and confidence at work? 

 You can request a free 15-minute phone consultation and our intake coordinator will answer all of your questions about the process, and get you booked with one of our therapists to have you on your way to less Sunday Scarries, and more presence and ability to focus on whatever you’d like to be enjoying instead!

Will Marriage Counseling Help?

This is one of the top searches on google. Most people want to know if something will work before they invest their time and energy into it. It’s the reason sites like Yelp are so popular and customer reviews are the most read part of product information. 

Marriage counseling absolutely does help but under certain conditions. 

Here are 3 things that will give you much better results from marriage counseling: 

1. Seeing a therapist that is an actual marriage specialist.

Finding a couples therapist in Rancho Cucamonga, CA can be tough - it’s hard to find the right therapist in any area (I’m speaking from personal experience - it took me 6 months to find my therapist and I”m a therapist who knows what to look for!). 

But if you wanted an eye exam you would see an ophthalmologist, not a podiatrist. You also wouldn’t see a generalist. 

In our practice we have one main focus: couples. Through our education and training we have worked with many individual clients and even some children, but have come to find that working with couples is our forte, and it’s what we are most passionate about. Because we have dedicated our practice to working with couples it means that all of our continuing education is focused on honing those skills, on learning all that we can in this subject area, and we have attended many, many trainings that can help us be better clinicians in this exact area. 

This is what you want to look for, not Suzy Save’em-all who specializes in everything A-Z and takes a new training every other month based on whatever she needs to learn to help clients she’s feeling stuck with. 

2. You attend sessions frequently and for an optimal amount of time. 

At Rancho Counseling we recommend weekly therapy, and tell couples to plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months. 

Developing the skills that are necessary to create lasting change takes time. Think about how long you and your partner have been together, and how long you’ve been stuck in the same relational patterns. When you become accustomed to these patterns over time, it takes time to learn a new way, and to implement those things you are learning. 

Couples therapy isn’t like a regular doctor’s appointment. You don’t go in once, get a prescription, and then take it and move on. Therapy is a process, and in order for that process to work, you must invest the time. 

Another common issue is with the frequency of sessions. If you are seeing a therapist once a month you are literally spending one hour, out of the 730 hours focused on your relationship - think about that ratio. That is truly not enough time or energy to create change. 

3. You and your partner show up and are ready to work. Many people make the mistake of thinking the therapist is going to do the work for them, and that just by showing up their relationship will be fixed. 

A couple’s therapist is like a guide. If you were to hire a guide to take you through a hike in a national forest, you would expect that guide to show you all of the amazing points of interest along that trek, point out areas you should avoid, and help you find your way. 

You would not expect that guide to move your feet for you - it is expected that you walk and climb alongside that guide, follow what he/she has to say, and do the work that it takes to get you to the peak, so that you can enjoy the amazing scenery. This is the same with therapy. 

If you discover in therapy that you often become critical of your partner, and that has become detrimental to your relationship because of the hurt it is causing your partner, then it is up to you to change that pattern when you are outside the office. That process may be slow, and you might slip up from time to time, but ultimately you are the one who must create that change. 

If you have any questions about how couples therapy can help, or just general questions about therapy, ask away! I LOVE hearing from you! Leave a comment below or schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation here.  

Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help

When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.  

They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over. 

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.  

Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.” 

It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin. 

The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have. 

The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope. 

⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”

For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it. 

If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of! 

It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another! 

Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!

Valentine’s Day Gift Guide From your Couples Therapist

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day? I love asking all my couples this question as the day approaches. I love hearing creative things people come up with, but it makes me sad when I hear them say they aren’t doing anything, “because it’s just another day.” 

Yes, it is just another day, but it’s also an extra opportunity to connect with your partner! Showing love to your spouse doesn’t have to cost a ton of money, and it doesn't have to be cheesy. 

I want to help you pick out the perfect gift for your sweetheart. But first, let’s do a little prep work. If you haven’t done so already, take the 5 Love Languages Quiz here, and ask your partner to take it as well.   

If you don’t know about the 5 love languages, I’ll give you the quick, Cliff’s Notes version: We all have ways that we perceive that we are being loved, and ways we show others that we love them. Those two things are not always the same. When we figure out how we like to be loved and how our partner likes to be loved, we can do things to truly make them feel loved in ways they can feel and hear. 

Once you’ve taken the quiz and you understand what your partner’s love language is, you can start speaking it.  According to Gary Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages, there are 5 ways we show love: 

1. Acts of Service: If this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner goes out of their way for you with an act. Some examples are: making you a cup of coffee in the morning, ironing your clothes, or making you a meal. 

2. Gifts: if this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner provides a token that reminds you they are thinking of you. Some examples are: they pick up your favorite candy when they checkout at the grocery store, they randomly purchase an item from your Amazon shopping cart, or bring you a magnet for your collection when they go out of town for a business trip. 

3. Quality Time: if this is your love language, you perceive you are being loved when your partner makes uninterrupted time to spend with you. Some examples are: they put the kids to bed or help with those duties to create an evening for the two of you to watch a show you love together, or they plan a weekend getaway or staycation for just the two of you. 

4. Words of Affirmation: if this is your love language you perceive that you are being loved when your partner tells you the words you love to hear. Some examples are: they tell you how amazing you look in your new outfit, or make it a point to tell your friends what an amazing job you did at your work presentation, or they say thank you for all you do around the house regularly. 

5. Physical Touch: if this is your love language, you perceive love from your partner when  they are physically affectionate with you. This doesn't just include sex! Things like hand holding, hair stroking, and cuddles on the couch are important to you if this is your love language. 

In the above examples I was providing information for you - the reader. But in order to select the perfect gift you’re going to want to know what your partner’s love language is. Speaking their love language is about providing what they need in order for them to feel loved. 

So, If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service, think about providing a service to him or her that they’d appreciate. Book a car detailer to come out on Valentine’s Day to have their car completely cleaned and taken care of, or do it yourself. Schedule a housekeeper or professional organizer to come out and get your home spic and span. 

You could also do a dinner at home where you prepare a special meal while your partner relaxes on the couch - if this is your gift of choice be sure to clean up the kitchen and make it look as if this never happened once you’re finished. 

If your partner’s love language is Gifts, this might seem like an easy one. But put some thought into it - have they mentioned having their eye on a specific purse or clothing item? Can you check into their Amazon account and purchase items from their wishlist or that have been left in their online shopping cart? Bring home their favorite flowers and candy, or frame their favorite photo and wrap it up for them. 

If your partner’s love language is Quality Time, set up a babysitter for an evening and order in. Instead of turning on the TV, play their favorite music in the background and try some conversation cards like these . Or download the Gottman Card Deck app and take turns asking and answering questions together. 

You can also sign up for my upcoming workshop, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, so that you ensure you’ll be spending 6 weeks of quality time with your partner learning how to have a stronger connection. 

If your partner’s love language is Words of Affirmation, create a list of things that you love about your partner and deliver a note including one item each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. You can use post-its on the bathroom mirror, or create a giant heart out of them and present them all together on V-Day. 

Another option is to have a love song made for your partner that is exclusively about your relationship through songfinch.com or a similar site. You can also frame your wedding vows if you created personal ones, or take this opportunity to create new vows and frame them or write them as a poem. 

And finally, if your partner’s love language is Physical Touch, check out this tutorial on how to give a great upper body massage. Pick up some massage oils, and set the mood to provide a great stress relief for your partner. 

Another idea is to book a dance class for the two of you to learn a fun new dance like salsa, or bachata where you can be close to one another while trying something new. 

I hope these ideas are helpful! I do not receive any commission on any of the links provided, I just want to help all my couples have a wonderful Valentines Day! 

Reply to this email and let me know if you decide to gift anything from the list, I’d love to hear from you! 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

How to stop fighting about Money

Money is one of the top 5 issues that causes conflict in marriage. Many couples fight about the budget - who is staying on track and who isn’t, and they often label one partner as the spender and the other as the saver.

Although these patterns are very common, they aren’t truly helpful in getting to resolution. What really matters is what money means to each partner. 

When couples come to us with conflicts about money we always start by taking a few steps back and help the couple understand one another’s money story. 

It isn’t necessary to have the same values about money as long as you understand one another but most couples don’t actually take the time to do that. Labeling your partner as the spender or the saver is also not helpful and often falls into the category of criticism which we all know is not helpful in working to manage a conflict. 

The first step in working to manage the money conflicts is to understand yourself. What is your money story? How you feel about money and the unconscious automatic thoughts you have about money impact the way you spend, save, and view your partner’s spending and saving. 

In the Gottman’s book, Eight Dates, they have some great questions about money that can help you understand yourself and your partner. The questions are designed to help you look more closely at how you view things like generosity, power and wealth. I definitely recommend you pick up a copy of the book and start doing the exercises with your partner. 

In the meantime, here are some things to think about: 

1. What was your parent’s view on money? Did there seem never to be enough, or was there always more than enough? 

2. Did your parents feel comfortable spending money? What were the messages they passed on when it comes to spending? 

3. Did your family spend money on things like vacations and entertainment? 

4. Was investing important to your parents? Did they donate money to charity? 

5. What did birthdays look like in your family? Did family members buy expensive gifts or throw big parties? 

6. What memories do you have about money - both painful and happy? 

7. What does it mean to have enough money? 

Once you understand your own thoughts and feelings about money and where they come from you can have a conversation about it with your partner. Share where your views on money come from and the memories you have when it comes to your family and money. 

Take the time to ask your partner about their money story. It is important to listen to understand, not to try and persuade your partner to see things your way. Having different money stories is normal, and finding mutual respect for one another is of the greatest importance. 

After you take a step back and find understanding for one another you can start to create shared goals. Do you want to retire early? Is it important to have savings for a home or for your kid’s college? 

Sit down and list all of your financial goals and ask your partner to do the same. Once you’ve finished your lists, share them with one another, and compromise on the priority of each goal. 

After you establish shared goals you can work backwards and figure out how to make those goals a reality. If you need to budget to get there, this is the time to talk about spending and how it does or doesn’t align with your shared financial goals. 

Without buy-in from each partner when it comes to financial goals and the mutual understanding about one another’s money story it is easy to just fight about the dollars and cents! 

If you need help having these conversations or understanding your own money story we are here to help! Click here to book your free 15-minute phone consultation.