Avoiding Conflict in Marriage

Are you avoiding conflict in your marriage? 

The other day, my 6-year-old daughter asked me to do a craft with her. I had a whole list of to-dos that I wanted to get done that day, and I knew if I didn’t get started early, I’d never complete all the things on my list.

She begged and pleaded with me, and I gave in. We made an origami sword that she ended up being obsessed with. She said it made her feel so powerful.

I wish I could say it was a great activity and that it was totally worth pushing off my to-do list for.

But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

She asked me to do a craft WITH her, but I ended up doing it FOR her. She did some cutting and project management, but it was an involved process that included many folds, multiple papers, and a glue gun. It was not something she could have completed on her own.

I begrudgingly folded and glued, and even though she came with excitement and encouragement, I was resentful.

I felt the annoyance radiating through my body, and it didn’t allow me to show up with an open heart. I was short and uninterested. It wasn’t what she deserved. It wasn’t even her fault. It was mine.

I had said yes when I meant no. The entire project took maybe 30 minutes, but the entire time I was distracted thinking about what I needed to get done before we headed out on our camping trip the next day. I was grumpy and didn’t appreciate her enthusiasm and sweetness.

When it was finished, I totally regretted my withdrawn attitude.

That’s not how I want to show up in my relationship with her.

That’s not how any of us should show up in our relationships, but it’s how I see so many couples show up towards one another. When we say yes when we really mean no, it sets us up to feel resentment, and when we feel resentment, it impacts our mood and the way we approach the other person.

I was withdrawn with my daughter and unappreciative of her excitement.

How many times have you begrudgingly attended an event with your partner and looked for any reason not to have a good time? You might drag your feet and show up late or nitpick the food and criticize the company or even your partner. When we say yes when we mean no, it opens us up to act passive-aggressively, and that actually causes more issues in the long run.

So why do we do it?

Most people do it to avoid conflict.

They also do it to avoid disappointing their partner, and sometimes people do it because they are paying amends for something unrelated that’s happened in the relationship. If you feel like you have to go along with whatever your partner wants to do because you made a mistake in the past, then there’s really no amount of good deeds you can do to fix the situation.

You aren’t showing up authentically, and you’re doing a disservice to your partner and to the relationship. It’s usually a sign that you’re not addressing the issue by having open dialogue and saying all that needs to be said to move towards healing. Healing can come from doing your own inner work or working together as a couple.

If you’re ready to start 2024 with a fresh start and get everything out on the table, we’re here. Click the link below and sign up for a free 15-minute phone consultation with a therapist in Temecula, Rancho Cucamonga, online anywhere in California, or explore California couples retreats and intensives. Let's talk about the best way to help you reach your goals and strengthen your relationship.

When Marriage Feels Hopeless

When that rage burns through your body like a dragon breathing fire because you feel like your partner is just never going to get it, do you feel like just burning it all down? 

Do you want to throw in the towel and wave your white flag? 

Do you feel like locking the front door and just walking away completely? 

I feel your pain. 

I know it feels like things will never get better. 

I know these cycles can make you become paralyzed and withdrawn and it makes it hard to focus on your work and your kids. 

That feeling is terrible - feeling so stuck and not knowing what to do next, the guilt and the shame. 

You can go back and fight it out again, or you can retreat and try to soothe yourself with the usual - social media, shopping, drinks with friends, or maybe a trip to the gym…

They make you forget about the rage, the sadness, and utter disappointment of being in the same place you’ve been in for way too long. 

But they are only temporary. 

That’s not how you truly want to live. You don’t want to be numb and disconnected, and you’re probably really missing out on your kids' lives and giving them too much screen time because you just don’t have the energy to be engaged like you want to be. 

I’m not judging you. I know you’re doing the best you can do right now. But we both know you’re capable of so much more.  

I want to remind you of a couple things:

I want to remind you that you’re still in your relationship for a reason, probably multiple reasons. 

Maybe it’s your kids, or the life you’ve built together, and there’s probably still a lot of love there. Those things are so important to you or you’d be googling attorneys in your area rather than scrolling tiktok. 

I also want to remind you of a different time in your life. 

You can probably remember a time when you felt so happy and connected to your partner. A time when you were in love and had so much hope and excitement for the future. 

I know that you think about leaving and it might be hard to even remember a time when you weren’t fighting. 

But not being able to remember doesn’t mean that those happy times did not exist. It just means that you’re exhausted from being on the merry-go-round of fighting. 

Does this sound like a familiar cycle to you: Do you blow-up, push away, give the silent treatment, and then start speaking again when you have to (because of some shared commitment), and then extend an olive branch somehow and return to homeostasis, until the next time?  

I know these cycles so well! I know them because I see them day after day. When couples step into our offices for the first time we always ask them to describe the dance they do when they get into fights and while every couple is unique the cycles sound pretty similar. 

I know that this cycle is so frustrating because not only is it exhausting, it’s also not productive. You’re not actually solving any of the issues that are causing the blow-ups, and you know that you’re going to have the same argument again in a couple weeks. 

If you’re ready to get off the merry-go-round and start communicating in a way that makes you feel heard, respected, connected, and loved, we want to help. Click the link below to book your free, 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you set up with one of our expert couples therapists and help you stop feeling like you’re ready ro burn it all down! 

Are you suffering in silence?

How long have you spent struggling in your relationship? How many nights have you spent crying alone in the dark, while your partner sleeps next to you, wondering when or how things will ever get better? How many times have you had the same argument and gotten the same results - retreating to your corner, alone, hurt, broken, and feeling helpless? 

My guess is way too many. 

But why do we suffer alone, in silence? 

I’ve heard a lot of interesting opinions about why people choose not to share what’s going on in their marriage. Things like, “we agreed we’d never talk to our family about our marital problems because we didn’t want anyone to have a negative opinion about our partner.” 

I’ve also heard, “It’s not always bad so I’m afraid it will sound like I’m just trashing my partner.” 

Along with other things like: 

“People will judge me.”

“People would be shocked if they knew how bad things are.” 

Our Western society teaches us in so many ways that we should suffer in silence. If you’ve ever been told as a child to go to your room because you were having big emotions, then it’s really easy to internalize the belief that your emotions are too much and that you should not burden others with them. 

Most parents of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s weren’t equipped with the skills of conscious parenting and were likely so uncomfortable with their own emotions that they couldn’t deal with ours. They weren’t privy to the research we have now that shows that stuffing and suppressing emotions actually leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.

But one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work, and in my own healing is that suffering alone can only get you so far. And it isn’t very far.

It's difficult to undo those patterns that you’ve learned in your childhood, or push past the myths of talking about problems in your marriage. It’s not easy to reach out and tell someone that you don’t have things under control. It’s humbling, and it’s hard. 

It can feel like no one will ever understand the nuances of your relationship. It's scary to open up and talk about what’s going on because you might be afraid that talking to a therapist might force you to leave or make other life-altering decisions. 

Unless you’re in physical danger, a good therapist will not tell you that you should end your relationship. That’s not our job. 

If you come to couples therapy saying that you want to fix the relationship then a good couples therapist will be focused on helping you do that. 

Talking about the pain you’re feeling in your relationship can make things feel more real, and I know how scary that can be. But once you put it all out there, it can feel so relieving, and when you see a great couples therapist, you will truly understand that you are not alone. 

One of my favorite parts of the therapy process are the first few sessions. I know that couples are uncomfortable sharing what’s really going on behind closed doors. But one of my greatest gifts is instilling hope and letting couples know that they aren’t alone.We’ve seen some really difficult issues in my practice. But my staff and I have helped so many couples weather those difficult storms and create amazing, healthy, connected relationships that surpass what people even think is possible when they first sit down on the couch.

We also have a formula for success that is backed by tons and tons of research! The Gottman Method is one of the most effective tools for helping couples improve their marriages. So you dont just come in and see how things go. 

Our staff take the time to truly understand your relationship and each of you as individuals. We start with a couples session to get a sense of the issues you’re struggling with and also conduct a relationship history - we ask about the significant events that have happened in the relationship. 

After that, we do an individual session with each partner to get a sense of your personal histories and backgrounds. These play an important role in the way you communicate with one another. 

We also send out the Relationship Checkup - an extensive background questionnaire that will measure various aspects of your relationship and communication patterns.

All of these components give us a really good picture of where your strengths are as a couple as well as the areas that can use improvement. 

Once we collect all of the important background information we sit down with each couple and show them all of the components the research tells us are required for a happy, healthy relationship. We show each couple where their strengths are, along with their weaknesses and areas that we will be focusing on going forward. 

Every couple that works with us knows exactly what their sessions will be focused on because they get a print-out of all of their strengths and weaknesses. There’s no guess-work. Our therapists get to work and help couples reach their goals. They focus on the issues and help couples create amazing, joyful, intimate, connected marriages. 

You don’t have to suffer alone. Once you put voice to what's happening the spinning in your head will stop. You can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

If any of this sounds like you, I want to help. Imagine what it will feel like moving into Fall feeling like you REALLY want to cozy up to your partner.  Imagine starting 2024 with a clear vision for the future of your relationship AND a supportive therapist behind you as you take those scary steps forward. 

Picture how connected you'll be this time next year after pushing past your fears - of failure, of not knowing where to start, of anyone knowing what’s really going on in your marriage - and seeing all of the progress you've made together. 

You'll be so proud of your relationship and you would have spent the last year learning, healing, connecting, and creating an unstoppable, deep, intimate bond and gained communication tools that you will have for the rest of your lives together. 

The things we teach couples take time and practice to implement, but once our couples understand what is under their behaviors, they begin to experience lasting change. They create more intimacy and their love continues to grow even after they graduate from therapy.  

Will Marriage Counseling Help? A note about Timing

After weeks of putting it off, I finally did it. I went into my backyard and I pulled out the jungle of weeds that had taken over. 

The weeds had been growing for months and months, and here in California, we had an exceptionally wet winter. I watched every day as the weeds grew taller and taller. But I was waiting for the perfect time to finally go out and clear the yard. 

As I watched and waited, the taller they grew, the more overwhelming the job seemed. 

With a gathering of friends at my home looming, and a stretch of sunny days in the forecast, I finally made the time to do it. The morning was hot AF, and by the time I was done my back and leg muscles were extremely sore and tired. 

As I was working, I thought about you, and I thought about timing. And how sometimes you just aren’t ready. Sometimes you know that the job ahead is going to be longer and harder the more you put it off, but sometimes it’s really just about finding that window of time to really dive into some of things that seem really daunting. 

I think this is the case for a lot of people like you who have been struggling in their marriages. You’ve probably watched the fights getting closer, and closer together, or the distance between you and your partner growing larger and larger as you spend days and days without speaking to one another. 

You know that things can get better, but you also know that you need guidance to get you to that place. 

Therapy might seem like that daunting task - the one that you know you really need to dive into.  

I totally understand that you might be waiting for the “right“ moment to start. 

But the longer you wait, the bigger the weeds will get, and the more muscle power you’ll need. Things aren’t always going to align and fall into place. So maybe this email is the gentle nudge that you need to pick up the phone and finally make your first couples therapy appointment. 

Or if you’re already in therapy with one of our rockstar therapists at Rancho Counseling, maybe this is the nudge that you need to go a little deeper in your next session; to bring up something that seemed daunting before, something that you know you’ve been needing to address. 

Once you truly lean in and trust in the process, there can be a little clearing for you to enjoy much like the one I created in my own backyard. 

My kids now have more area to play along with my dogs. 

When I look out the window, I no longer see a cumbersome task, but the edge of my yard filled with emptiness and opportunity to plant some new beautiful flowers that will be much more enjoyable than the weeds that once covered the area.

Leaning into your process and creating a clearing in your own mind or relationship will allow you the space to create something amazing! 

What is that for you? 

What do you wish you had more room for in the space between you and your partner? 

Once you clear all the BS, what will you fill the space with? More date nights? More sex? More connective, soul connecting conversations that feel supportive and fulfilling? 

Or if you’re solo, maybe freeing yourself from the hurt of your childhood traumas will give you the space to create more meaningful friendships or even a new romantic relationship?

Hit reply and let me know, or comment below. I love hearing from you! 

Now is actually a fantastic time to start therapy! Yahsemin just opened up several evening times in her schedule and has openings Thursdays from 3-7pm! 

Yahsemin is fantastic and has been with Rancho Counseling for over a year now. She’s gotten so much experience and training and is about to take her clinical exam for licensure! 

Yahsemin has worked with some of the most difficult cases over the last year here, she’s helped couples through the infidelity recovery process and has helped so many couples improve their communication and connection over the past year - I just had to throw out there how proud I am of her!  

Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help

When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.  

They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over. 

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.  

Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.” 

It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin. 

The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have. 

The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope. 

⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”

For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it. 

If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of! 

It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another! 

Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!