Why Marriage Counseling is not a Quick Fix

“Five minutes to freedom.” 

“15 minutes a day to make six figures.”

“Change your entire life with this hack” 

I don't know about you but my IG feed is FULL of clickbait titles like this. My email inbox is also full of headlines like this. 

Social media and marketing are made to grab our attention and pull on our heart strings. People want to sell us on the notion that we aren't good enough without whatever they have to sell us. 

The therapy space is a little different. I’m not a coach. I’ll never claim to be a guru, and I’ll never splash photos of me and my husband across the Internet asking people - do you want what I have? The truth about those types of posts and emails is that anyone can portray their relationship any way they’d like. Social media is the highlight reel, and anyone who claims that having a great marriage comes easy is full of it! 

The truth is, I don’t have a quick and easy way for you to have the marriage of your dreams. Marriage is like anything else in that the grass grows where you water it. 

I’ve seen hundreds, maybe even thousands of clients over the past 15 years. Not all of them stick with me long-term, and I’d be lying if I told you they did {but clearly you know that I cannot physically see 1000 clients in one week - my max is actually 12}.

The reasons people quit therapy varies: Some of them don’t click with the therapist, some don’t want to make the financial investment, and some really want a quick fix. 

This last one is probably the hardest for me to see. I try to be as honest as possible about what couples can expect when they start marriage counseling. I tell them that they should plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months, and if they are going through infidelity recovery, it will be at least a year. 

Those are rough estimates. Most of the patterns that keep couples stuck in cycles of blow-out arguments, silent treatment, and other unhealthy patterns are due to each individual’s unresolved traumas. 

When people quit therapy and say that it isn’t working, it’s usually because they are unwilling to look at their own patterns and want so badly for the pain to end. Having a weekly reminder of what isn’t working is difficult and I’m totally aware of the lack of motivation that can hit you when you’re having a great day but you know that you have therapy later and are going to be encouraged to look at some heavy stuff. 

It’s easy to think that because you’ve been able to string together a few good days with no fights or negativity, that the relationship will be fine. But how many times have you thought that already, only to end up in the same place - hurting and looking for a way out? 

Marriage Counseling is hard. 

Marriage Counseling is a commitment. 

Marriage counseling will not improve your relationship overnight. 

Marriage counseling will only work as hard as you do. 

But that’s why my clients are some of the bravest people that I have ever met! 

The clients that stick with it, hunker down, and brace themselves to do the work - the ones that continue to show up week after week get stronger and stronger, and when they weather the eye of the storm, they come out on the other side with soooo much love, intimacy, self-discovery, and pride. 

Graduating couples from marriage counseling is the greatest perk of the job. The last session I have with couples is about reflecting on where they started. We talk about the ups and the downs, and then celebrate the new fulfilling connection they have worked so hard to create. It’s so much fun!

Thankfully there are also ways to make the process a little less challenging. Have I told you about Brainspotting yet? Actually, I know I did, I sent you an email about it a while back, but in case you didn’t get to it, I’ll link info here. (No hard feelings, I promise I don’t judge if you’re not fully reading every word I send you ;0) 

Brainspotting helps speed up the process towards healing. 

When I work with couples and one or both are struggling because they have unresolved traumas that are being triggered, I hit pause on our couples work and we do one or two sessions individually to work on those triggers and they feel so much relief once we do! Then we dive right back into our couples work and can keep moving forward. 

Before I was trained in Brainspotting this intersection when the trauma was triggered was such a challenge, it could take months and months to help the couple as a unit to get past this. 

I know I told you I don’t have a quick fix and that still rings true. Clients are still working while they are Brainspotting. They are still feeling big emotions and it is challenging, but it’s much more comfortable than walking around with it bouncing around, untethered. 

I also always end my Brainspotting sessions with an expansion spot - I help clients find something they’d like to feel; that might be peace, calm, excitement, or confidence, and they get to connect with that feeling in their body and it makes processing the difficult stuff so much more manageable! 

If you’re ready to do the work and have a truly transformed relationship I want to help! Click here and book your free 15-minute phone consultation, and we will find the right therapist in our office for you!