Why Marriage Counseling is not a Quick Fix

“Five minutes to freedom.” 

“15 minutes a day to make six figures.”

“Change your entire life with this hack” 

I don't know about you but my IG feed is FULL of clickbait titles like this. My email inbox is also full of headlines like this. 

Social media and marketing are made to grab our attention and pull on our heart strings. People want to sell us on the notion that we aren't good enough without whatever they have to sell us. 

The therapy space is a little different. I’m not a coach. I’ll never claim to be a guru, and I’ll never splash photos of me and my husband across the Internet asking people - do you want what I have? The truth about those types of posts and emails is that anyone can portray their relationship any way they’d like. Social media is the highlight reel, and anyone who claims that having a great marriage comes easy is full of it! 

The truth is, I don’t have a quick and easy way for you to have the marriage of your dreams. Marriage is like anything else in that the grass grows where you water it. 

I’ve seen hundreds, maybe even thousands of clients over the past 15 years. Not all of them stick with me long-term, and I’d be lying if I told you they did {but clearly you know that I cannot physically see 1000 clients in one week - my max is actually 12}.

The reasons people quit therapy varies: Some of them don’t click with the therapist, some don’t want to make the financial investment, and some really want a quick fix. 

This last one is probably the hardest for me to see. I try to be as honest as possible about what couples can expect when they start marriage counseling. I tell them that they should plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months, and if they are going through infidelity recovery, it will be at least a year. 

Those are rough estimates. Most of the patterns that keep couples stuck in cycles of blow-out arguments, silent treatment, and other unhealthy patterns are due to each individual’s unresolved traumas. 

When people quit therapy and say that it isn’t working, it’s usually because they are unwilling to look at their own patterns and want so badly for the pain to end. Having a weekly reminder of what isn’t working is difficult and I’m totally aware of the lack of motivation that can hit you when you’re having a great day but you know that you have therapy later and are going to be encouraged to look at some heavy stuff. 

It’s easy to think that because you’ve been able to string together a few good days with no fights or negativity, that the relationship will be fine. But how many times have you thought that already, only to end up in the same place - hurting and looking for a way out? 

Marriage Counseling is hard. 

Marriage Counseling is a commitment. 

Marriage counseling will not improve your relationship overnight. 

Marriage counseling will only work as hard as you do. 

But that’s why my clients are some of the bravest people that I have ever met! 

The clients that stick with it, hunker down, and brace themselves to do the work - the ones that continue to show up week after week get stronger and stronger, and when they weather the eye of the storm, they come out on the other side with soooo much love, intimacy, self-discovery, and pride. 

Graduating couples from marriage counseling is the greatest perk of the job. The last session I have with couples is about reflecting on where they started. We talk about the ups and the downs, and then celebrate the new fulfilling connection they have worked so hard to create. It’s so much fun!

Thankfully there are also ways to make the process a little less challenging. Have I told you about Brainspotting yet? Actually, I know I did, I sent you an email about it a while back, but in case you didn’t get to it, I’ll link info here. (No hard feelings, I promise I don’t judge if you’re not fully reading every word I send you ;0) 

Brainspotting helps speed up the process towards healing. 

When I work with couples and one or both are struggling because they have unresolved traumas that are being triggered, I hit pause on our couples work and we do one or two sessions individually to work on those triggers and they feel so much relief once we do! Then we dive right back into our couples work and can keep moving forward. 

Before I was trained in Brainspotting this intersection when the trauma was triggered was such a challenge, it could take months and months to help the couple as a unit to get past this. 

I know I told you I don’t have a quick fix and that still rings true. Clients are still working while they are Brainspotting. They are still feeling big emotions and it is challenging, but it’s much more comfortable than walking around with it bouncing around, untethered. 

I also always end my Brainspotting sessions with an expansion spot - I help clients find something they’d like to feel; that might be peace, calm, excitement, or confidence, and they get to connect with that feeling in their body and it makes processing the difficult stuff so much more manageable! 

If you’re ready to do the work and have a truly transformed relationship I want to help! Click here and book your free 15-minute phone consultation, and we will find the right therapist in our office for you! 

Can Couples Therapy Make Things Worse?

I’ve heard a lot of strange reasons that couples don’t start the process of couples therapy. Seeing couples day in and day out often makes me forget about some of the myths that exist.

The couples I see are usually so ready to dig in and improve their relationships that sometimes I forget that people actually do believe some interesting things. 

One of the questions that I always ask couples is whether or not they have been in therapy before. I like to know what worked and what didn't work with their previous therapy so that I can make sure they get what they are looking for during our time together. 

Most recently, I asked a couple if they had been in therapy before and one partner piped up and said, “no we haven’t because she always told me that therapy would just make things worse and cause us to fight more.” 

I giggled a little. But then I asked, “what does fighting more mean to you?” 

It turns out this couple held the belief that having any conflict in marriage was a sign of an unhealthy marriage. This is not the first time I’ve heard this you can check out my other blog post on the topic here. Many people don’t understand that conflict gives us opportunities for learning, repair, understanding, growth, and creating a deeper connection. 

So when people ask, “can couples therapy make things worse?” The answer is: it’s possible. But read on to understand why: 

If you’re a couple who rarely argues and has a lot of passive-aggressive tendencies and patterns; then good couples therapy will help bring those issues out in a more direct manner, and it might feel like things are getting worse because there will be more overt conflict.  

If you’re a couple where one or both partners harbors a lot of resentment and rarely speaks openly to make requests; then good couples counseling will help bring things to the surface more directly and it very well could feel like things are getting worse because you may be so used to not having direct and open dialogue. 

If you’re a couple who had issues from one or both partner’s infidelity, and in order to continue the relationship agreed to just “move on” or “forgive and forget” what happened and rarely, if ever, talk about residual feelings stemming from those betrayals; then good couples therapy might bring those feelings to the surface and the relationship could seem worse because there will be a lot of things coming out that haven't been said. 

In all three of the above scenarios exist unhealthy patterns that typically lead to relationship dissatisfaction. So even without couples therapy there’s a high chance that those patterns could lead to divorce if left unchecked. 

When couples start therapy with us we like to paint a picture of what couples can expect and I typically have a conversation that goes something like this: 

In the beginning of couples therapy, the trajectory of relationship satisfaction tends to go up. The fact that you’re both committed to attending provides a sense of hope, and in the beginning most people find it easy to take direction. They dot their I’s and cross their T’s - they do the homework assigned by the therapist and they spend time focusing on important topics in session and learn to talk about things in a different way. 

This is mostly behavioral change. 

After a couple of months the couple will get into a fight. It is usually a fight about something they’ve been fighting about for a long time in the relationship, and at that point they will revert back to their old patterns. 

This fight can feel even worse than before they started therapy. 

The reason it feels worse is: people feel like because they are in therapy, they shouldn’t be doing things the old way, and they should “know better,” since they’ve been working hard learning new ways of behaving. 

The truth is: this is actually when the real work in couples therapy begins. 

This is when couples get to start to understand what is under their behavior. 

At this point in time a good couples therapist will help them look beneath the behavior at the various patterns that each partner brings to the table and they will begin to see how those patterns show up in different areas of their lives, including this relationship. 

Once each partner is able to identify the impact of the challenging or maladaptive patterns then they can begin to understand the patterns, understand themselves, and find ways to truly create lasting change in the relationship. 

I’m not going to lie to you - this part of the process can be really difficult and it’s when a lot of couples want to quit therapy. 

If you’re going from a relationship that rarely or never has conflict, to one that has open dialogue and direct communication then it can be quite eye-opening to make so many changes. 

But that doesn’t mean that it’s not for the better. 

Couples who come out on the other end have much higher levels of connection, intimacy, trust, and commitment. They have more passion and romance, and they have much deeper levels of friendship. 

When couples get out of their comfort zones, that is when good things begin to blossom. So yes, couples therapy can make things seemingly worse. But if you stick with it and push past those difficult times, it’s totally worth it!