Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help

When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.  

They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over. 

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.  

Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.” 

It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin. 

The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have. 

The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope. 

⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”

For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it. 

If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of! 

It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another! 

Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!

Valentine’s Day Gift Guide From your Couples Therapist

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day? I love asking all my couples this question as the day approaches. I love hearing creative things people come up with, but it makes me sad when I hear them say they aren’t doing anything, “because it’s just another day.” 

Yes, it is just another day, but it’s also an extra opportunity to connect with your partner! Showing love to your spouse doesn’t have to cost a ton of money, and it doesn't have to be cheesy. 

I want to help you pick out the perfect gift for your sweetheart. But first, let’s do a little prep work. If you haven’t done so already, take the 5 Love Languages Quiz here, and ask your partner to take it as well.   

If you don’t know about the 5 love languages, I’ll give you the quick, Cliff’s Notes version: We all have ways that we perceive that we are being loved, and ways we show others that we love them. Those two things are not always the same. When we figure out how we like to be loved and how our partner likes to be loved, we can do things to truly make them feel loved in ways they can feel and hear. 

Once you’ve taken the quiz and you understand what your partner’s love language is, you can start speaking it.  According to Gary Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages, there are 5 ways we show love: 

1. Acts of Service: If this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner goes out of their way for you with an act. Some examples are: making you a cup of coffee in the morning, ironing your clothes, or making you a meal. 

2. Gifts: if this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner provides a token that reminds you they are thinking of you. Some examples are: they pick up your favorite candy when they checkout at the grocery store, they randomly purchase an item from your Amazon shopping cart, or bring you a magnet for your collection when they go out of town for a business trip. 

3. Quality Time: if this is your love language, you perceive you are being loved when your partner makes uninterrupted time to spend with you. Some examples are: they put the kids to bed or help with those duties to create an evening for the two of you to watch a show you love together, or they plan a weekend getaway or staycation for just the two of you. 

4. Words of Affirmation: if this is your love language you perceive that you are being loved when your partner tells you the words you love to hear. Some examples are: they tell you how amazing you look in your new outfit, or make it a point to tell your friends what an amazing job you did at your work presentation, or they say thank you for all you do around the house regularly. 

5. Physical Touch: if this is your love language, you perceive love from your partner when  they are physically affectionate with you. This doesn't just include sex! Things like hand holding, hair stroking, and cuddles on the couch are important to you if this is your love language. 

In the above examples I was providing information for you - the reader. But in order to select the perfect gift you’re going to want to know what your partner’s love language is. Speaking their love language is about providing what they need in order for them to feel loved. 

So, If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service, think about providing a service to him or her that they’d appreciate. Book a car detailer to come out on Valentine’s Day to have their car completely cleaned and taken care of, or do it yourself. Schedule a housekeeper or professional organizer to come out and get your home spic and span. 

You could also do a dinner at home where you prepare a special meal while your partner relaxes on the couch - if this is your gift of choice be sure to clean up the kitchen and make it look as if this never happened once you’re finished. 

If your partner’s love language is Gifts, this might seem like an easy one. But put some thought into it - have they mentioned having their eye on a specific purse or clothing item? Can you check into their Amazon account and purchase items from their wishlist or that have been left in their online shopping cart? Bring home their favorite flowers and candy, or frame their favorite photo and wrap it up for them. 

If your partner’s love language is Quality Time, set up a babysitter for an evening and order in. Instead of turning on the TV, play their favorite music in the background and try some conversation cards like these . Or download the Gottman Card Deck app and take turns asking and answering questions together. 

You can also sign up for my upcoming workshop, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, so that you ensure you’ll be spending 6 weeks of quality time with your partner learning how to have a stronger connection. 

If your partner’s love language is Words of Affirmation, create a list of things that you love about your partner and deliver a note including one item each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. You can use post-its on the bathroom mirror, or create a giant heart out of them and present them all together on V-Day. 

Another option is to have a love song made for your partner that is exclusively about your relationship through songfinch.com or a similar site. You can also frame your wedding vows if you created personal ones, or take this opportunity to create new vows and frame them or write them as a poem. 

And finally, if your partner’s love language is Physical Touch, check out this tutorial on how to give a great upper body massage. Pick up some massage oils, and set the mood to provide a great stress relief for your partner. 

Another idea is to book a dance class for the two of you to learn a fun new dance like salsa, or bachata where you can be close to one another while trying something new. 

I hope these ideas are helpful! I do not receive any commission on any of the links provided, I just want to help all my couples have a wonderful Valentines Day! 

Reply to this email and let me know if you decide to gift anything from the list, I’d love to hear from you! 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Keep your criticism to Yourself!

Criticism may start out as a way to rib or joke with your partner, but it can start to happen more often than not and without you even realizing that’s what you’re doing. 

I see it a lot in relationships that are on the rocks. Criticism is one of the 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse, according to the Gottman Institute, and is one of the greatest predictors of divorce. 

The couples that I work with sometimes have no idea the impact that it can have on their marriage in the long run which is why I want to bring it to your attention today. 

Criticism usually begins with the word “you,” and often also includes words like, “always” and “never.”

“You never do the dishes when you say you’re going to! You’re so lazy!” ::Heavy sigh::

Criticism attacks your partner’s character and leaves little room for a productive response or conversation. If you think about it though, it makes total sense - do you ever respond to someone telling you what a shitty job you’re doing at something with an open heart, or a, “wow! Thanks for pointing that out for me, I’m totally going to start doing the dishes now…” 

Absolutely not! 

Criticism actually does the opposite. It’s like a match, and can ignite a conflict into a huge blow up. This is because our natural inclination is to respond to criticism with defensiveness. It doesn’t elicit warm fuzzies, it makes us want to shut down, fight, or point out all the ways your partner is falling short (defensiveness). The bottom line is - it’s uncomfortable. 

Have you ever heard the saying, “you catch more bees with honey?” This is precisely the approach you should be taking with your partner instead. 

Talking from a place of how you feel about a behavior is so much more effective and will put your partner in a much less defensive place. 

Criticism should be replaced with using I-statements and making specific requests. 

Example: I feel hurt and lonely when I’m the only one doing the housework. Can you help me by picking up the kids' toys and doing the dishes when I’m working late? 

The need to criticize is often the sign of an unmet need. If you stop and take a moment before you lash out at your partner ask yourself, “what is my need here?” If your need is for support then ask specifically for that support. 

Using an I-statement to express how not having your need met makes you feel, makes your feeling hearable. We can hear our partner say when they're hurt, sad, or lonely. Those feelings get lost in translation though when they are hidden behind criticism.  

If you feel criticism running rampant in your relationship we are here to help! Click here to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation, or join us for our upcoming 6-week, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class beginning in March, 2023. Click here for details and answers to frequently asked questions about this upcoming workshop.  

Making your Marriage Last by Building a Culture of Appreciation

Have you ever wondered why some couples just have what it takes to make their marriage last? You know those couples - the ones that always seem happy and connected, and it seems like they never fight. They’re the couples who have been together for years and years, and who always just seem to have that spark. 

Want to know their secrets? 

Well let me tell you, there are specific qualities that happy couples possess, but it’s not as complicated as you might think! 

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be sharing the secrets of lasting, satisfying relationships, and the specific things that these “Master Couples” implement regularly to keep their relationships from heading in the wrong direction. 

I’m also going to share some of the negative patterns that couples who are heading towards divorce tend to fall into so that you can avoid these destructive patterns and focus on counteracting them if they do exist in your marriage: 

One of the greatest predictors of divorce is a pattern of contempt in relationships. 

Contempt is an ugly pattern and I see it frequently in my office. It honestly makes my stomach hurt when it shows up. 

Contempt is typically the response to long simmering resentments. Couples who are contemptuous take every opportunity to make negative comments about their partners. They sneer, roll their eyes, use sarcasm, name-call, and mock or mimic their partner in a judgmental way. 

When I see couples showing up this way it’s difficult to imagine them ever even liking one another - but typically at some point they did. 

Usually early on in the relationship these patterns did not exist. 

Couples who avoid conflict have a tendency to get to this place because they hold on to their partner’s transgressions and rarely voice a need for change. They also wait too long to talk about issues and don’t have open dialogues about problems when they arise.  

The good news is that there are ways to counteract this negative pattern. One of the secrets to having a happy, healthy relationship is building a culture of appreciation in your marriage. Here are five ways to create a culture of appreciation in your marriage: 

1. Remember the 5:1 ratio. In order to counteract negativity and conflict in your relationship there should be a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative sentiments that are expressed. For every negative comment or interaction, there needs to be five positive expressions.

2. Express appreciation. Expressing appreciation goes a long way! Make it a habit to tell your partner how much you appreciate their help, their kindness, their affection, or anything else that they do that makes you smile.

3. Express gratitude. Make it a habit to regularly express gratitude. Say thank you for the little things, and say it often.

4. Show Respect. Maintain respect for your partner even when you disagree. Don't name-call, criticize, or put them down. Talk about your partner positively to others and in front of others.

5. Show affection. Regularly reach out to your partner to initiate affection. A hug, a hand hold, or a brush of the hair goes a long way. If affection does not come naturally to you, start by getting in the habit of showing affection when saying hello or good-bye and move on from there. 

If you feel like you’re in a contemptuous relationship, the best time to start couples therapy is ASAP! Past hurts and resentments should be discussed and processed in order to move forward and make room for building a culture of appreciation. 

How to stop fighting about Money

Money is one of the top 5 issues that causes conflict in marriage. Many couples fight about the budget - who is staying on track and who isn’t, and they often label one partner as the spender and the other as the saver.

Although these patterns are very common, they aren’t truly helpful in getting to resolution. What really matters is what money means to each partner. 

When couples come to us with conflicts about money we always start by taking a few steps back and help the couple understand one another’s money story. 

It isn’t necessary to have the same values about money as long as you understand one another but most couples don’t actually take the time to do that. Labeling your partner as the spender or the saver is also not helpful and often falls into the category of criticism which we all know is not helpful in working to manage a conflict. 

The first step in working to manage the money conflicts is to understand yourself. What is your money story? How you feel about money and the unconscious automatic thoughts you have about money impact the way you spend, save, and view your partner’s spending and saving. 

In the Gottman’s book, Eight Dates, they have some great questions about money that can help you understand yourself and your partner. The questions are designed to help you look more closely at how you view things like generosity, power and wealth. I definitely recommend you pick up a copy of the book and start doing the exercises with your partner. 

In the meantime, here are some things to think about: 

1. What was your parent’s view on money? Did there seem never to be enough, or was there always more than enough? 

2. Did your parents feel comfortable spending money? What were the messages they passed on when it comes to spending? 

3. Did your family spend money on things like vacations and entertainment? 

4. Was investing important to your parents? Did they donate money to charity? 

5. What did birthdays look like in your family? Did family members buy expensive gifts or throw big parties? 

6. What memories do you have about money - both painful and happy? 

7. What does it mean to have enough money? 

Once you understand your own thoughts and feelings about money and where they come from you can have a conversation about it with your partner. Share where your views on money come from and the memories you have when it comes to your family and money. 

Take the time to ask your partner about their money story. It is important to listen to understand, not to try and persuade your partner to see things your way. Having different money stories is normal, and finding mutual respect for one another is of the greatest importance. 

After you take a step back and find understanding for one another you can start to create shared goals. Do you want to retire early? Is it important to have savings for a home or for your kid’s college? 

Sit down and list all of your financial goals and ask your partner to do the same. Once you’ve finished your lists, share them with one another, and compromise on the priority of each goal. 

After you establish shared goals you can work backwards and figure out how to make those goals a reality. If you need to budget to get there, this is the time to talk about spending and how it does or doesn’t align with your shared financial goals. 

Without buy-in from each partner when it comes to financial goals and the mutual understanding about one another’s money story it is easy to just fight about the dollars and cents! 

If you need help having these conversations or understanding your own money story we are here to help! Click here to book your free 15-minute phone consultation.