Keep your criticism to Yourself!
Criticism may start out as a way to rib or joke with your partner, but it can start to happen more often than not and without you even realizing that’s what you’re doing.
I see it a lot in relationships that are on the rocks. Criticism is one of the 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse, according to the Gottman Institute, and is one of the greatest predictors of divorce.
The couples that I work with sometimes have no idea the impact that it can have on their marriage in the long run which is why I want to bring it to your attention today.
Criticism usually begins with the word “you,” and often also includes words like, “always” and “never.”
“You never do the dishes when you say you’re going to! You’re so lazy!” ::Heavy sigh::
Criticism attacks your partner’s character and leaves little room for a productive response or conversation. If you think about it though, it makes total sense - do you ever respond to someone telling you what a shitty job you’re doing at something with an open heart, or a, “wow! Thanks for pointing that out for me, I’m totally going to start doing the dishes now…”
Absolutely not!
Criticism actually does the opposite. It’s like a match, and can ignite a conflict into a huge blow up. This is because our natural inclination is to respond to criticism with defensiveness. It doesn’t elicit warm fuzzies, it makes us want to shut down, fight, or point out all the ways your partner is falling short (defensiveness). The bottom line is - it’s uncomfortable.
Have you ever heard the saying, “you catch more bees with honey?” This is precisely the approach you should be taking with your partner instead.
Talking from a place of how you feel about a behavior is so much more effective and will put your partner in a much less defensive place.
Criticism should be replaced with using I-statements and making specific requests.
Example: I feel hurt and lonely when I’m the only one doing the housework. Can you help me by picking up the kids' toys and doing the dishes when I’m working late?
The need to criticize is often the sign of an unmet need. If you stop and take a moment before you lash out at your partner ask yourself, “what is my need here?” If your need is for support then ask specifically for that support.
Using an I-statement to express how not having your need met makes you feel, makes your feeling hearable. We can hear our partner say when they're hurt, sad, or lonely. Those feelings get lost in translation though when they are hidden behind criticism.
If you feel criticism running rampant in your relationship we are here to help! Click here to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation, or join us for our upcoming 6-week, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class beginning in March, 2023. Click here for details and answers to frequently asked questions about this upcoming workshop.
