How to stop fighting about Money
Money is one of the top 5 issues that causes conflict in marriage. Many couples fight about the budget - who is staying on track and who isn’t, and they often label one partner as the spender and the other as the saver.
Although these patterns are very common, they aren’t truly helpful in getting to resolution. What really matters is what money means to each partner.
When couples come to us with conflicts about money we always start by taking a few steps back and help the couple understand one another’s money story.
It isn’t necessary to have the same values about money as long as you understand one another but most couples don’t actually take the time to do that. Labeling your partner as the spender or the saver is also not helpful and often falls into the category of criticism which we all know is not helpful in working to manage a conflict.
The first step in working to manage the money conflicts is to understand yourself. What is your money story? How you feel about money and the unconscious automatic thoughts you have about money impact the way you spend, save, and view your partner’s spending and saving.
In the Gottman’s book, Eight Dates, they have some great questions about money that can help you understand yourself and your partner. The questions are designed to help you look more closely at how you view things like generosity, power and wealth. I definitely recommend you pick up a copy of the book and start doing the exercises with your partner.
In the meantime, here are some things to think about:
What was your parent’s view on money? Did there seem never to be enough, or was there always more than enough?
Did your parents feel comfortable spending money? What were the messages they passed on when it comes to spending?
Did your family spend money on things like vacations and entertainment?
Was investing important to your parents? Did they donate money to charity?
What did birthdays look like in your family? Did family members buy expensive gifts or throw big parties?
What memories do you have about money - both painful and happy?
What does it mean to have enough money?
Once you understand your own thoughts and feelings about money and where they come from you can have a conversation about it with your partner. Share where your views on money come from and the memories you have when it comes to your family and money.
Take the time to ask your partner about their money story. It is important to listen to understand, not to try and persuade your partner to see things your way. Having different money stories is normal, and finding mutual respect for one another is of the greatest importance.
After you take a step back and find understanding for one another you can start to create shared goals. Do you want to retire early? Is it important to have savings for a home or for your kid’s college?
Sit down and list all of your financial goals and ask your partner to do the same. Once you’ve finished your lists, share them with one another, and compromise on the priority of each goal.
After you establish shared goals you can work backwards and figure out how to make those goals a reality. If you need to budget to get there, this is the time to talk about spending and how it does or doesn’t align with your shared financial goals.
Without buy-in from each partner when it comes to financial goals and the mutual understanding about one another’s money story it is easy to just fight about the dollars and cents!
If you need help having these conversations or understanding your own money story we are here to help! Click here to book your free 15-minute phone consultation.
