Mind-Reading in Marriage (part 2)

Last week we talked about mind-reading and how it can be such a disappointing pattern when you think your partner should just know what you need when you need it. In case you missed it, you can read that here. 

This week I want to talk about the other side of the mind-reading pattern. It’s also something I see a lot in my practice where one partner will say something like, “well no, I did not bring that up, because I already knew exactly how he/she was going to respond.” 

To which I typically reply, “oh, so you can read your partner’s mind?”

The truth is, we don’t know exactly how our partner will respond to something. 

Yes, you may have had a similar situation or pattern and you know things about what your partner may like and dislike, but when you assume that your partner will respond in a certain way and as a result of this pattern of mind-reading, you tend to either alter your communication or you avoid the conversation altogether. 

You might tell yourself you’ll get a negative response to something because you’ve felt negativity in an area of the relationship, and this sets you up for a pattern called negative-sentiment override. 

One of my clients used to refer to this pattern as the merry-go-round. 

Altering and avoiding communicating with your partner because you are telling yourself you know how they will respond only perpetuates the pattern and many times you will treat your partner as if you’ve already had that conversation and you’ve already received that negative response even though you only actually had the conversation in your mind and not out loud. 

Once you get into the pattern of negative sentiment override it can be difficult to get out because you aren’t actually having the conversations and you’re always assuming your partner’s negativity. Not having the actual conversations never allows for a positive response from your partner and keeps you perpetually stuck in assuming negativity and you might even begin to see your partner in a negative light altogether

When I reality test with clients about their assumptions of their partner’s negative responses and they actually have those conversations in session they find out things like: 

Their partner gave a negative response to helping with the kiddos' bath time once when they were stressed from work, and if they could do it all over again they’d respond differently. 

The assumption that was made in this case was that helping in the evenings was not going to happen, and one partner just assumed all responsibility without asking for help due to one negative response. 

One partner didn't want to talk about vacation planning one evening because they’d just had an issue at work with a coworker who typically covers for them, and didn’t feel comfortable asking for coverage at that particular time. 

The assumption that was made here was that vacations weren’t a priority for this person, and their partner was afraid to broach the subject. After further conversation in session it turned out this wasn’t the case, and once things were running smoother with the above mentioned coworker, vacation planning could easily resume. 

One negative response from your partner should not mean you’ll always receive that response in similar scenarios, and it could just be situational. 

So have the conversations. Make the requests. Don’t assume you know exactly how your partner will respond and get into a rut of negative sentiment override.

If you’d like help improving the communication in your relationship, we are here and eager to help! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation and get hooked up with one of our amazing therapists who can walk you through improving your relationship.

5 Reasons Couples Counseling DOESN’T Work

One of the top google searches when it comes to couples therapy is, “does couples therapy work?” This is a logical and important question. Before you make the investment of your time, energy, and money to work on your relationship, I think it’s important to know how to get the most out of those investments. The short answer to that questions is no, it doesn’t always work, but here’s why: 

1. You see a  generalist rather than a specialist. 

I talk a lot about the importance of seeing a therapist who specializes in what it is you are looking for help with in my previous post about how to find a therapist. It is the number one thing you should be looking for when you set out to hire someone to help you with your relationship. 

I’ve had so many couples come to see me and tell me something egregious they’ve experienced with previous therapists. Things like, “well, the last therapist told us we should just get divorced,” or, “all she advised us to do was to have more date nights.” Not helpful. 

When I dig a little deeper and ask about the therapist it typically comes out that they were selected off of a list that their insurance company provided, or they were the first person available. Also not helpful. 

If you are having trouble with your eyes, you don’t go and see your primary care physician. You make an appointment with an Opthomolgist or Optometrist - someone who specializes in eye and vision care. This is the same way you should approach your search for a couples therapist. You don’t want someone who claims to specialize in everything from A-Z because they likely can’t give you the specialized care and treatment that you need. 

In my practice I have one main focus: couples. Through my education and training I have worked with many individual clients and even some children, but I have come to find that working with couples is my forte, and it’s what I’m most passionate about. Because I have dedicated my practice to working with couples it means that all of my continuing education is focused on honing those skills, on learning all that I can in this subject area, and I have attended many, many trainings that can help me be a better clinician in this exact area.  

2. You don’t attend sessions as often as recommended or for an optimal amount of time. 

A second reason couples therapy doesn’t work is that couples don’t invest the amount of time necessary to truly develop lasting change. When people tell me their last attempt at couples therapy wasn’t helpful, and I ask how many sessions they attended, the numbers are typically pretty low. If you can count on one hand the number of sessions you’ve attended, you can’t really expect a whole lot of change to come of that. 

Developing the skills that are necessary to create lasting change takes time. Think about how long you and your partner have been together, and how long you’ve been stuck in the same relational patterns. When you become accustomed to these patterns over time, it takes time to learn a new way, and to implement those things you are learning. 

Couples therapy isn’t like a regular doctor’s appointment. You don’t go in once, get a prescription, and then take it and move on. Therapy is a process, and in order for that process to work, you must invest the time. 

Another common issue is with the frequency of sessions. If you are seeing a therapist once a month you are literally spending one hour, out of the 730 hours focused on your relationship - think about that ratio. That is truly not enough time or energy to create change. 

In my practice I work with couples who are willing to show up on a weekly basis, because I have come to find that that is optimal and it is what leads to results.   

3. You look to the therapist to do the work for you. 

A couple’s therapist is like a guide. If you were to hire a guide to take you through a hike in a national forest, you would expect that guide to show you all of the amazing points of interest along that trek, point out areas you should avoid, and help you find your way. You would not expect that guide to move your feet for you - it is expected that you walk and climb alongside that guide, follow what he/she has to say, and do the work that it takes to get you to the peak, so that you can enjoy the amazing scenery. This is the same with therapy. 

It is not possible for the therapist to follow you home and implement the things you are learning in the therapy room for you - that is up to you. So if you uncover in therapy that you often become critical of your partner, and that has become detrimental to your relationship because of the hurt it is causing your partner, then it is up to you to change that pattern when you are outside the office. That process may be slow, and you might slip up from time to time, but ultimately you are the one who must create that change. 

4. You don’t do your homework. 

I give my clients homework all the time. I tell them what to focus on throughout the week between sessions, I recommend books for them to read, youtube videos for them to watch, and things to discuss outside our sessions. The clients who take the time to do the homework are the clients who are the most successful. They are the clients who report the most growth and change, and they are the couples who reach their goals the fastest. 

This goes back to the principle of time spent working on the relationship. If you are only spending one hour a week focusing on your relationship and hoping for massive change, that is not enough. It has to be on the forefront of your mind throughout the week as well, and homework is designed to help with that. 

5. You don’t give your therapist necessary feedback. 

If you don’t like starting sessions with smalltalk, then it is appropriate to ask your therapist to avoid it. Or maybe, you really don’t want any parenting advice, but instead would like to focus more on the parenting dynamic between you and your partner - it’s ok and necessary to speak up and let your therapist know how you are feeling. I’ve heard many clients tell me about things they disliked about their previous therapist, but when I inquire further, they often say they didn’t bring those things up to the therapist. In my practice I regularly seek out my client’s opinions of what the process is like for them, and check in regularly about what they like to change or focus on. 

Your therapist should also be seeking your feedback. It’s not always easy and it may even seem like you are being confrontational if you bring up something you dislike about their style, but our training prepares us for this. The therapeutic relationship also represents an authentic relationship, and so your therapist should be welcoming of criticism and requests in order to help strengthen your relationship, and to provide you with the best service possible. Holding back and not asking for what you need can result in poor therapeutic outcomes. 

If you have any questions for me, or if you are interested in working on your relationship, you can schedule a 15-minute phone consultation here.  

IDK WTF I’m doing Either

We are on our 19th day of social distancing/quarantine, and you read that correctly - I don’t know wtf I’m doing either. 

It seems surreal that just a few weeks ago I was sitting across from clients in my office, and going about my week as usual, and then everything changed. It felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. 

The past 3 weeks have been like a roller coaster. Shifting my entire caseload online, working from home, homeschooling errrr, trying not to feel guilty about all the screentime my kids are getting, having our 20 year old daughter move back home from college, and making 1,284 +1 meals a day - how many meals do toddlers need in a day?? 

It’s been exhausting, and I’m just riding the wave like everyone else. Being a therapist doesn't make you immune from issues and stresses, and it certainly doesn’t offer immunity from the effects of a global pandemic.   

But as I write this today, on my 19th day of social distancing, I’m feeling like I’ve found my stride. I’m adjusting to this new normal, and I’ve moved out of my grief about it all (for now). 

But that’s where you still might be - paralyzed with anxiety, grieving and feeling depressed about the huge shifts and things that you’ve had to give up, cancel, and adjust to, and that’s ok too. No one has been through this, and therefore there are no right answers - we are all just doing the best we can. 

While I don’t know how to navigate my home life all the time, there are still things that I do know:

I’ve always known that community is important, and I’ve been involved in a handful that have really helped me in so many ways. I think our leaders got it wrong when they titled it, “Social Distancing,” because what we need isn’t to be socially distant, what we need is to be physically distant. 

Keep reaching out to the communities that you belong to online. If there isn’t an online presence for them already, you can create one - this has been really big for me, and kept me sane through the past couple of weeks. Checking in with friends, colleagues, and family online has been awesome. 

I know that there are couples out there that are still struggling, and that sheltering in place together is like having a microscope on your relationship. I know this because I’m still seeing them on my computer screen, and I’m still getting calls from them. 

I’ve had several couples tell me that this is actually a good time for them, because they are both home now due to work schedule changes, and they are able to use the time to focus on their relationships. 

I’ve also had couples tell me that they didn’t know how things would go as we shifted our work online, but that they have been pleasantly surprised to see that it is almost like being in the office. 

In the past couple of weeks I’ve also worked with couples whose small children were in the room during our sessions, and guess what? Instead of them being a huge distraction as they had feared, having the kids there allowed me to see their parenting dynamic, and it was all grist for the mill and extremely helpful. 

Right now social gatherings are on hold. But what’s not on hold is our emotional experience, and my clients are continuing to show up online and do the work that they know can’t wait until this “blows over.” The truth is, we don’t know when this is going to be over, so I urge you to take the time now to do the work and to reach out for therapy. There’s really never a right time, so even if you think online therapy isn’t ideal, you may be pleasantly surprised.

3 Reasons you SHOULD be Fighting

“But we never fight…”

When a couple I’m working with tells me this I am worried. 

More worried than when a couple tells me they fight constantly. 

Why? Because fighting is inevitable. Two people who come from two totally different backgrounds, upbringings, with different views and opinions are bound to disagree. It’s the nature of relationships, and having conflict is actually healthy. 

I am a very solution-focused therapist and that means that from the moment a couple walks in to see me, I want to know what needs to happen in order for them to feel better, and for them to say therapy is working for them. 

This usually means they’ll be having less explosive conflict, they’ll be feeling more connected, and as though they are able to manage their conflict better - not eliminate it. 

The measure is never, “we will stop fighting.” When you stop fighting that means there are things that aren’t being said. It means one or both of you is people pleasing, avoiding conflict, being passive aggressive, or harboring resentment. 

According to The Gottman Institute, 69% of all conflict is perpetual. Meaning there is no resolution to 69% of the arguments you will have with your partner. Meaning you’re going to fight about it until death do you part. No matter what type of couple you are. Even the “Master Couples”- the couples with the highest levels of satisfaction and connection, experience perpetual conflict at this same rate. 

So why should you be fighting? Let’s get into it shall we:

Reason #1 that you SHOULD be engaging in conflict with your partner is that conflict allows great opportunities for growth and intimacy. 

The goal isn’t to win or to get your partner to see things your way. The goal of a conflict is to reach a resolution. When you are able to fight with mutual respect and maintain the admiration you have for one another, conflict allows you to have open dialogue. It allows you to share you views and thoughts openly. 

Sharing openly requires some level of vulnerability, and vulnerability breads intimacy and closeness. 

Reason #2 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is that conflict provides an opportunity for you to learn more about your partner. 

This is one of my favorite things to witness as a therapist. When a couple is sitting across from me and they are going at it in conflict, I help them to peel back the layers and get in deep. Partners are often surprised at what they learn when they see their spouse like this. 

A fight about whether to leave the tv on or off as you fall asleep can turn into you hearing a story about how your partner was lonely at night while growing up because his mom worked nights and he used the tv to help calm him. 

Initially it may seem like a nuisance, and like he or she just isn’t respecting your sleep. But getting into a conflict and having open dialogue helps peel back the layers, and you or your partner may reveal something that the other had no idea about. 

Reason #3 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is conflict allows you to renew your commitment to the relationship. 

I think we all take our vow “for better or for worse,” hoping that the “worse” part never actually happens, maybe thinking we aren’t like everyone else, and we won’t even really need that part. 

But a lifetime is long, and conflict is inevitable. When it does arise and you meet it with mutual respect and gain understanding, looking back and being able to appreciate the ability to navigate that challenge alongside your partner helps to renew your commitment for one another. 

So while it might not feel like it, right smack, in the middle of your conflict, you can find appreciation for yourselves. The thought that in spite of you both being imperfect, you are still together, and continue to choose to be, is an amazing feeling. 

If you’re having trouble navigating arguments with your partner, and can’t seem to stop having the same arguments over and over, this could be a sign of gridlock which can be challenging to get out of. Or maybe you’re not arguing at all, and realizing it’s not as healthy as you once thought - either way, we are here to help. Feel free to reach out! 

Is your Cell Phone Killing your Intimacy?

Are you addicted to your cell phone? Do you go to bed with it at night, and wake up with it in the morning?

Technology is a part of life, and it can be such an amazing tool that can really enhance your life, but what happens when it starts to do the opposite? Can you tell if you really are addicted, and if it's killing the intimacy in your relationship?

In this week’s post I’m going to share signs that you should look for to help you identify cell phone addiction, ways to kill the addiction so you can enhance the intimacy in your relationship, and ways to talk to your partner if you suspect they are the one who's addicted to their phone.

According to PsychGuides.com, 90% of adults in America own a cell phone, and 67% of smartphone users have admitted to checking their phones when it didn't even ring or vibrate.

So if everyone has one, and we're all using them, you might be wondering, "what's the big deal??"

l'll admit I love my iPhone - I love having it with me so that I can easily capture memories through videos and photos of my kids, family, and friends. I love scrolling through social media to see what my family and friends are up to, and I love that I have this really awesome tool available at my fingertips to look up whatever information I need, when I need it. I used it just a second ago to find that statistic I shared with you.

You don't need me to tell you all of the amazing benefits of these tiny computers we're all carrying around.

But I have noticed a major trend in my practice - I would say about 75% of the couples l'm working with have at one point stated that their partner's cell phone usage has gotten on their nerves, caused fights, or made them feel isolated or alone, and I think that's a big deal. 

So while your phone can help you connect with people across the world, that's doing little for your relationship with the person sitting right next to you.

There's a lot of new research coming out about the way technology is impacting our kids and their development. I hear a lot of adults stressing over limiting screen time for their kids, but the truth is, it starts with the examples we lead as adults. 

I'm sure you've seen some of these memes on social media:

So how can you tell if you or your partner is addicted to your cell phone?

As of the time of this writing (January, 2020), there is no clinical diagnosis for technology or cell phone addiction in the DSM - (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) - which is the bible of diagnoses. However some of the things you should be aware of come from a comparison to gambling addiction which is behavioral and was added to the DSM's most recent edition. The criteria include:

1. A need to use the cell phone more and more often in order to achieve the same desired effect - think about this like a tolerance to any substance

2. Failed attempts try to stop using, or to use the phone less 

3. Preoccupation with smartphone use

4. Turning to your phone when experiencing unwanted feelings like anxiety or depression

5. Excessive use to the point of experiencing a loss of time

6. The need for the newest cell phone or apps

7. Feelings of withdrawal when your cell phone is unreachable - You might feel anger, depression, irritability, or restlessness.

PsychGuides.com has a great little self-assessment that you can do to see if you’re really addicted to your phone. You don't have to exhibit all 7 of the signs I listed either, you only need 4 out of those to consider it a true addiction. 

And maybe you don't even have 4, but have heard your partner complain about your cell phone usage? If that is the case, a change in your behavior might be in order, because it doesn't necessarily need to be a full-blown addiction to impact the intimacy in your relationship.

Ok so now that we've established that, let's talk about ways to change these behaviors so you can increase the intimacy between you and your partner, and stop looking like this: 

Quitting anything cold turkey is almost impossible, and since you really want to create lasting change, I recommend the following instead: 

One of the best things you can do is create sectioned off parts of your life that are free from technology, that you can also designate as time with your partner.

It's easiest to do this by associating this time with things you already do everyday. For example, eating, getting ready for bed, watching TV or a movie together. 

Designating those as cell phone free times will be helpful, and the more you do it and get those good hormones going in your brain from the increased connection with your partner, the easier it will get.

You can also create new rituals of connection with your partner, like a 15-minute check-in at the end of the day where you sit on the patio or couch (all phone free of course) and have a conversation about your day. 

So what if you feel like you’re ok with putting your phone down, but are irritated by your partner’s excessive usage? 

In this case, the first thing you need to do is keep leading by example. In addition to that, having a conversation, not in the moment - I mean not immediately after you get upset with them for ignoring you once again while they scroll through their IG feed. This conversation should take place at a neutral time when both of you are feeling good and not flooded. 

This conversation should include “I-statements.” Let your partner know how it feels when you are being ignored because they are on the phone excessively. Name the feeling for your partner - I feel sad, alone, isolated, etc. and then make a request. Ask for cell phone free time during specific activities or let them know you really want to have a check-in time every day and want it to be screen free. After you have that conversation give them grace as they adjust, and gently remind them if you see them pick up their phone during a cell phone free time. Shaming and criticism is definitely not the route to take when asking for you partner to change behavior.