What is Couples Counseling REALLY Like?

Why would I want to spend a bunch of money for someone to tell us what our problems are, or for you to just try and convince some stranger that I’m a terrible partner?? Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

Couples therapy can sometimes seem like a mysterious process, and if you've never experienced it before, you might be wondering what it's all about. Keep reading, because today I'm going to break it all down for you!

Therapy is kind of a mystery because #1, it's confidential - so most people don't talk about what actually goes on behind that closed door. #2, it's really different for everyone because no two people or couples are alike. 

In addition to those two factors, no two therapists are alike. I seriously dislike 99% of all therapists that you might see in movies or on TV. I mean, have you seen the therapist on YOU?? The media does a terrible job at depicting us.

If you are curious about what a good example of therapy looks like, I highly recommend the book, Maybe you should talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. She's a therapist who gives a behind the scenes look at a therapist’s world, and in the book, she also tells the story of her own therapy (because yes, therapists also go to therapy because we know the value.) But what I love about this book is her humor and candor! 

Anyhoo, I digress... 

All therapists are not created equal, and we all have different ways that we run our practices, and what we call, theoretical orientations - which is kind of like the lens in which we see and focus on things with our clients.

I personally specialize in working with couples, and have dedicated the last 10 years to learning and really honing my skills in this area. 

I'm trained in a couple of different orientations - but the one I use most in my work with couples is the Gottman Method, and I mention them a lot in my blogs. This method is backed by years of research and when couples are all-in, and are dedicated to doing the work in, and out of session, they see some awesome results!

So what is couples therapy actually like? Let me walk you through MY process, because remember, not all therapists work the same way, so I can only really speak to my own process: 

In the first session I ask very similar questions when I'm meeting a couple for the first time. I want to know what their goals are for counseling, and I ask what their relationship will look like 3-6 months from now if therapy is working for them - what changes do they want to see?

In the first session I also get a relationship history. I want to know how they met, and all of the significant milestones in the relationship like the dating period, engagement, marriage, moving in together, having kids, jobs, relocations, etc.

I also talk to the couple about what's brought them in to counseling and ask them to discuss what they have done in the past to try to remedy these issues. When we discuss their current issues, couples typically get into an argument and I allow it because I’m assessing their communication and the patterns they get into.

Couples usually have a sort of dance that they do, arguments typically start the same, the middle looks similar, and then they usually end the same. So in order for me to best help them, I need to understand what that pattern looks like.

At no point during this or any of my sessions with couples do I play referee.I think this is a really common misconception about couples therapy. The therapist isn't there to say who's right and who they think is wrong, and they aren't there to try to get your partner to see it your way. That would just be a big waste of everyone's time and energy because that doesn't produce lasting change.

After that first session I send my couples the Relationship Checkup- it's an extensive background questionnaire that measures various aspects of the relationship like communication and connection patterns. They complete this assessment at home and then they each come in for an individual session with me.

In the individual sessions I talk with clients about their personal histories and backgrounds because this plays a huge role in the way each person relates and interacts in the relationship.

After that I have them come back as a couple. In that couples session I compile all of the info that l've gathered from the conversations I’ve had with them and all of the results from their Relationship Checkup, and I discuss a plan with them. We talk about what a really strong and healthy relationship looks like, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and what its going to take to get them where they want to be. 

And then we dive in from there.

This roadmap looks different for every couple based on their specific needs and issues.

But as an example, if a couple is really struggling with having a lot of conflict, the work is going to be about ways they can manage their conflict more appropriately. This happens over the course of many sessions with them bringing up conflicts they are having at home. 

Sometimes they will describe the issue and get back into it on my couch and I will help them slow down and understand various patterns they are falling into. I give them the tools to try and work on the issues in and out of sessions. 

So that, in a very large nutshell is what couples therapy looks like. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to reach out!

The Silent Treatment

Do you give the silent treatment?

You know. You're pissed off after a blow up or spat with your partner and suddenly you're super busy - rage cleaning, or organizing something you'd never take the time to do otherwise. 

Staying busy, not making eye contact, and not having to talk lets him or her know just how unimportant they are, right?

But that’s the thing - it makes your partner feel unimportant, among other things.  So stop doing it! And keep reading because I want to teach you what to do instead:

The Gottman’s call the silent treatment “stonewalling” - it's when you or your partner withdraws, shuts down, and closes off- like building a wall. After a while this becomes a habit, and over time it can cause your partner to check out as well. I mean, what else should they do when you are literally pretending they aren’t there!?

So why do people do this if it’s so damaging?

Stonewalling is generally a response to what's physiologically happening in the body during a conflict. We call this flooding. When you get flooded your nervous system goes into overdrive; you get a rush of brain-altering hormones, your heart rate increases, and you go into fight or flight mode.

People who tend to choose flight are those that typically Stonewall and give the silent treatment. They walk away and slam a door, or just say, “F-you, I’m done!”

Clearly there's a lot going on underneath those outward behaviors so what do you do instead?

The first thing you can do is come up with a signal that you can share with your partner to indicate when you're feeling flooded. It could be a hand gesture {but try not to make it the middle finger!} It could be a word or phrase - l've heard some couples shout out their anniversary date, which is a sign that they really want to preserve that love they truly have deep down. 

This is going to take some communicating when you're not in the middle of an argument, in a separate conversation come up with something you can mutually agree on - bonus points if it's something funny. That can definitely help diffuse the tension!

The next thing you need to do is retreat. Walk away and practice self-soothing. Take 20 minutes to reset your physiology. Don't sit and stew in your self-righteous indignation or perpetuate thoughts in your head about why you're the victim and your partner is wrong!

Focus on your breath, pop in your headphones, and listen to a guided meditation. Take a walk, listen to music, or watch something funny on TV. A Netflix comedy special work wonders!

When you're feeling more calm and like yourself, then you can re-engage with your partner and discuss the conflict.

If your partner is the one who typically gives the silent treatment, the best way to navigate this is to let them cool down, and at a time when you’re able to talk calmly, have a conversation about how their stonewalling makes you feel. Let them know you understand it's a physiological response to their feeling flooded. Come up with the cue as discussed earlier for him/her to let you know when they need to disengage. You can even share this blog post to help them understand what you mean. 

Creating lasting changes in relationships takes time, effort, and practice, so be patient with yourself and your partner! 

If this is something you can’t seem to change on your own, therapy can be incredibly helpful! Don’t hesitate to reach out! You can book a free phone consultation or schedule an appointment here. 

3 Ways to Improve Communication in Marriage

“We just need to improve our communication!” 

This is hands down, the number one thing couples tell me when they call for a consultation and want to start couples counseling.

So how do you improve your communication? 

Here are three things you can start doing TODAY in order to improve your communication with your partner. 

Too often couples get stuck in blame, criticism, and defensiveness. They say things like, “you ALWAYS do that,” or “you NEVER do what I ask.” 

The language that you use with your partner is meaningful, and it has the ability to escalate a conflict from something small to something monumental. This brings us to the first thing you can do to improve your communication, which is, use “I-statements.”

An “I-statement” is simply starting your communication with the word “I” rather than “you.” When you use “you” your partner’s natural reaction is to become defensive, so in order to be heard, begin with “I.”

“I feel,” “I need,” “I want,” are all perfect examples. If you are upset because you feel like your picking up most of the slack around the house, and could use some help, saying something like, “I feel like I’ve been doing a lot around the house lately, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I’d really like it if you could help me a bit more by making sure all of the dishes are done at the end of the night.”

Notice in this example, there is no finger pointing, and the use of “I” is less likely to create defensiveness on your partner’s part. It allows for the ability to respond to the feeling and the request. 

This brings me to the second thing you can do to improve your communication, which is, talk about the way something made you feel when bringing up an issue with your partner. 

If you’re upset with your partner about something ask yourself what emotion is being evoked by their action. A typical response is anger, however, anger is a secondary emotion, it’s what’s on the surface. If you sit with your anger and go deeper, under anger is typically hurt, sadness, frustration, loneliness, or embarrassment. 

When you express a feeling that is yours. Your feelings are your own, and can’t be argued with. If you tell your partner you feel sad, they can’t really argue that you don’t, which is why this is a really great way to be heard and to have more effective communication. 

Using the previous example, letting your partner know that you are feeling overwhelmed by housework is one way to express this. You might also say, “I’m feeling really stressed,” or “I’m a little hurt because I feel like we aren’t on the same team when it comes to tackling stuff around the house.” 

Own your feelings and express them to your partner. 

The next way you can improve your communication is by being curious rather than accusatory. 

If an issue arises - get clarification. Be curious about what it is that happened and where your partner was coming from before accusing them of a behavior. 

Understanding their intention goes a long way and once you do that, you may still be upset, but it can keep your conflict from escalating quicker than it needs to. After you are able to clarify by asking questions and being curious, then you can use the previous two tips to express how the issue made you feel. 

Adopting new behaviors and changing old ones takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and your partner when learning new ways of communicating, because you may have been stuck in those negative patterns for years! Change is not impossible, no matter how long you’ve been together!

10 Things you should Stop Doing in 2020 To improve your relationship

Happy New Year! I honestly can’t believe it’s the start of a new decade!

There’s just something about the new year that can get you in the mood to make changes and create goals for yourself - big or small. 

If you aren’t in the mood to make some lofty goals or big changes, I totally feel that too. I skipped my vision board last year and just went with a word that I wanted to feel. So my advice is really just to do what suits you best. 

It’s easy to create goals for yourself but have you made any goals for your relationship for the coming year? 

I know this type of resolution is less common, however I thought that in order to get those brain juices flowing I’d send you a list of things you should STOP doing in 2020 in order to improve your relationship. Here we go:

10. Stop putting social media first. I get that it’s a great way to connect, and I love watching hilarious videos and catching up on my IG feed as much as anyone, but when your partner feels like they aren’t as attractive to you as your FB feed, there’s an issue. Make an agreement with your partner for some screen-free time each day and hold one another accountable for it. 

9. Stop giving the silent treatment. When you get into a conflict or your partner pisses you off it’s ok to ask for a time-out. A time-out is time to think, time to calm down, time to self-soothe so you don’t blurt out terrible names, and all of the things you hate about your partner in addition to this presenting issue. Giving the silent treatment is so much different. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and when you engage in this behavior you are actually building a wall between you and your partner that can be incredibly damaging to the relationship. 

8. Stop criticizing your partner. Making comments about your partner’s character and personality are also damaging and typically the sign of either self-judgement, or a deeper rooted issue. If you find yourself being critical of your partner stop and reflect - ask yourself, what is really bothering me here? And then adjust accordingly. Ask for what you want and need and make your requests clear. 

7. Stop becoming defensive when you and your partner get into conflict. When you’re busy thinking about a come-back, or all of the reasons your partner is wrong for bringing up a topic that leads to conflict you can’t listen. The argument is also going to last so much longer than if you just stop and take responsibility. Apologize when necessary and ask for clarification if needed. 

6. Stop shying away from deep conversations with your partner. The foundation of a really healthy relationship is knowing your partner’s inner world. Knowing their stresses, their dreams, and their goals. You can’t know these things about your partner if you keep your communication logistical and surface level. In order to have more depth in your conversations you need to create time and space for such discussions. Check in and use open-ended questions daily. 

5. Stop asking your partner to read your mind. This might be one of the most common things I see in my practice. The old, “she should know that this is what I need,” or “we’ve been together for x amount of years, he should already know me!” The truth is that as humans we are continually growing and changing and what you wanted last week might not be the same as today, so stop expecting your partner to know that. Instead, be clear, and articulate what you need. 

4. Stop putting off dates with your partner. I get that you have work, family, and childcare obligations that can keep you from actually scheduling that date, but I want to challenge you to think outside the box! Do you have friends with kids that could also love a date? If so, arrange to swap babysitting duties once a month so that you’re both able to spend time out alone. Dates don’t have to take place at night - can you do a Saturday or Sunday morning coffee, and afternoon hike, or a lunch in the middle of the workweek when your kids are in school? Stop with the excuses a find a way to make it happen!

3. Stop putting your work and your kids above your relationship. So many couples put their kids before their relationship. I get it, I have three of my own, and damn are they needy! But when couples come to see me for counseling they often tell me that they desperately want to keep their family together. But guess what? There is no family without the couple. So if you insist on putting your children or your career first, your relationship is going to suffer. Spend at least as much time, energy, and money on your relationship as you do on the kids and your work this year. 

2. Stop doing more of the same. Tension builds, and then there’s a blow-out fight. Promises are made, and couples agree to try harder, or stop doing something that perpetuates the arguments. Things might change for a little while, but eventually, things go right back, and another blow-out happens. Stop it. If you want lasting change then you need to do something different. Which brings me to the #1 thing you should stop doing: 

1. Stop putting off couples therapy! If you want different and lasting results, you need to do something you haven’t done already. Your relationship can be transformed and you could have a fulfilling and incredibly happy relationship-but not if you insist on doing more of the same. Stop putting it off, stop settling for less, I promise couples therapy isn’t that scary! What’s more scary is being unhappy for weeks, months, and in most cases, years!   

Is marriage counseling your last resort? 3 reasons it should be your first defense

“If this doesn’t work, then our next option is probably divorce.”

I hear this time and time again when new couples come into my office to work on their relationships. While I am trained in Discernment Counseling, I am still surprised at the number of people who use therapy as a last resort.

One of the questions I ask these couples is, “what have you done either individually or as a couple to work on some of the issues so that it didn’t get to this point?”

The answers are typically: more of the same, talk about not fighting, read a book, or made some behavioral changes that lasted a few months before old patterns started to return.

The average couple waits 6 years before starting marriage counseling. That’s 6 years of unhappiness. 6 years!? That’s like earning a Bachelor’s and Master's degree in unhappiness! I just can’t fathom being unhappy for that long and those are not degrees I want to earn.

Waiting that long and doing some of the aforementioned things to try and work on the issues is like receiving a cancer diagnosis, being told by the doctor that the remedy is chemo and/or radiation, but deciding to take vitamins to try and see if that helps for a couples of years before bringing out the big guns and doing the prescribed treatment.

You’d likely resort to chemo much sooner than later and this is how you should also view couples therapy.

Couples Therapy should be your first line of defense because:

The problems can be resolved much quicker.

When you choose the wait-and-see method and things don’t get resolved, people start to build resentment, and resentment is like poison for a relationship. It festers and causes a deep wedge between partners that takes much longer to resolve when couples wait to start therapy.

Couples are more likely to experience lasting change.

When couples come in sooner they learn to solve their problems, and learn to communicate in ways they haven’t before. When couples enter couples therapy sooner they are able to gain tools that they can pull from their toolbox for years to come which leads to lasting relationship satisfaction.

The length of therapy tends to be shorter, and thus less expensive in the long-run.

When couples come to therapy sooner there’s less “undoing” of negative patterns in most cases, and that leads to a shorter course of treatment.

On average I tell couples they should plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months, however, when couples come in for premarital counseling I generally see them for less than 6 months. Learning and implementing new skills takes much less time than undoing the damage that’s been caused by years of negative feelings and arguments in addition to learning new skills.

If you’ve been waiting for the right time to jump into marriage counseling with your partner, the time is now! Feel free to reach out and schedule a free phone consultation and get back on track - the sooner the better.