3 Ways to Improve Communication in Marriage
“We just need to improve our communication!”
This is hands down, the number one thing couples tell me when they call for a consultation and want to start couples counseling.
So how do you improve your communication?
Here are three things you can start doing TODAY in order to improve your communication with your partner.
Too often couples get stuck in blame, criticism, and defensiveness. They say things like, “you ALWAYS do that,” or “you NEVER do what I ask.”
The language that you use with your partner is meaningful, and it has the ability to escalate a conflict from something small to something monumental. This brings us to the first thing you can do to improve your communication, which is, use “I-statements.”
An “I-statement” is simply starting your communication with the word “I” rather than “you.” When you use “you” your partner’s natural reaction is to become defensive, so in order to be heard, begin with “I.”
“I feel,” “I need,” “I want,” are all perfect examples. If you are upset because you feel like your picking up most of the slack around the house, and could use some help, saying something like, “I feel like I’ve been doing a lot around the house lately, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I’d really like it if you could help me a bit more by making sure all of the dishes are done at the end of the night.”
Notice in this example, there is no finger pointing, and the use of “I” is less likely to create defensiveness on your partner’s part. It allows for the ability to respond to the feeling and the request.
This brings me to the second thing you can do to improve your communication, which is, talk about the way something made you feel when bringing up an issue with your partner.
If you’re upset with your partner about something ask yourself what emotion is being evoked by their action. A typical response is anger, however, anger is a secondary emotion, it’s what’s on the surface. If you sit with your anger and go deeper, under anger is typically hurt, sadness, frustration, loneliness, or embarrassment.
When you express a feeling that is yours. Your feelings are your own, and can’t be argued with. If you tell your partner you feel sad, they can’t really argue that you don’t, which is why this is a really great way to be heard and to have more effective communication.
Using the previous example, letting your partner know that you are feeling overwhelmed by housework is one way to express this. You might also say, “I’m feeling really stressed,” or “I’m a little hurt because I feel like we aren’t on the same team when it comes to tackling stuff around the house.”
Own your feelings and express them to your partner.
The next way you can improve your communication is by being curious rather than accusatory.
If an issue arises - get clarification. Be curious about what it is that happened and where your partner was coming from before accusing them of a behavior.
Understanding their intention goes a long way and once you do that, you may still be upset, but it can keep your conflict from escalating quicker than it needs to. After you are able to clarify by asking questions and being curious, then you can use the previous two tips to express how the issue made you feel.
Adopting new behaviors and changing old ones takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and your partner when learning new ways of communicating, because you may have been stuck in those negative patterns for years! Change is not impossible, no matter how long you’ve been together!
