Blog
Making your Marriage Last by Building a Culture of Appreciation
Have you ever wondered why some couples just have what it takes to make their marriage last? You know those couples - the ones that always seem happy and connected, and it seems like they never fight. They’re the couples who have been together for years and years, and who always just seem to have that spark.
Want to know their secrets?
Well let me tell you, there are specific qualities that happy couples possess, but it’s not as complicated as you might think!
Have you ever wondered why some couples just have what it takes to make their marriage last? You know those couples - the ones that always seem happy and connected, and it seems like they never fight. They’re the couples who have been together for years and years, and who always just seem to have that spark.
Want to know their secrets?
Well let me tell you, there are specific qualities that happy couples possess, but it’s not as complicated as you might think!
Over the next few weeks I’m going to be sharing the secrets of lasting, satisfying relationships, and the specific things that these “Master Couples” implement regularly to keep their relationships from heading in the wrong direction.
I’m also going to share some of the negative patterns that couples who are heading towards divorce tend to fall into so that you can avoid these destructive patterns and focus on counteracting them if they do exist in your marriage:
One of the greatest predictors of divorce is a pattern of contempt in relationships.
Contempt is an ugly pattern and I see it frequently in my office. It honestly makes my stomach hurt when it shows up.
Contempt is typically the response to long simmering resentments. Couples who are contemptuous take every opportunity to make negative comments about their partners. They sneer, roll their eyes, use sarcasm, name-call, and mock or mimic their partner in a judgmental way.
When I see couples showing up this way it’s difficult to imagine them ever even liking one another - but typically at some point they did.
Usually early on in the relationship these patterns did not exist.
Couples who avoid conflict have a tendency to get to this place because they hold on to their partner’s transgressions and rarely voice a need for change. They also wait too long to talk about issues and don’t have open dialogues about problems when they arise.
The good news is that there are ways to counteract this negative pattern. One of the secrets to having a happy, healthy relationship is building a culture of appreciation in your marriage. Here are five ways to create a culture of appreciation in your marriage:
Remember the 5:1 ratio. In order to counteract negativity and conflict in your relationship there should be a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative sentiments that are expressed. For every negative comment or interaction, there needs to be five positive expressions.
Express appreciation. Expressing appreciation goes a long way! Make it a habit to tell your partner how much you appreciate their help, their kindness, their affection, or anything else that they do that makes you smile.
Express gratitude. Make it a habit to regularly express gratitude. Say thank you for the little things, and say it often.
Show Respect. Maintain respect for your partner even when you disagree. Don't name-call, criticize, or put them down. Talk about your partner positively to others and in front of others.
Show affection. Regularly reach out to your partner to initiate affection. A hug, a hand hold, or a brush of the hair goes a long way. If affection does not come naturally to you, start by getting in the habit of showing affection when saying hello or good-bye and move on from there.
If you feel like you’re in a contemptuous relationship, the best time to start couples therapy is ASAP! Past hurts and resentments should be discussed and processed in order to move forward and make room for building a culture of appreciation.
What is Couples Counseling REALLY Like?
Couples therapy can sometimes seem like a mysterious process, and if you've never experienced it before, you might be wondering what it's all about. Keep reading, because today I'm going to break it all down for you!
Why would I want to spend a bunch of money for someone to tell us what our problems are, or for you to just try and convince some stranger that I’m a terrible partner?? Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?
Couples therapy can sometimes seem like a mysterious process, and if you've never experienced it before, you might be wondering what it's all about. Keep reading, because today I'm going to break it all down for you!
Therapy is kind of a mystery because #1, it's confidential - so most people don't talk about what actually goes on behind that closed door. #2, it's really different for everyone because no two people or couples are alike.
In addition to those two factors, no two therapists are alike. I seriously dislike 99% of all therapists that you might see in movies or on TV. I mean, have you seen the therapist on YOU?? The media does a terrible job at depicting us.
If you are curious about what a good example of therapy looks like, I highly recommend the book, Maybe you should talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. She's a therapist who gives a behind the scenes look at a therapist’s world, and in the book, she also tells the story of her own therapy (because yes, therapists also go to therapy because we know the value.) But what I love about this book is her humor and candor!
Anyhoo, I digress...
All therapists are not created equal, and we all have different ways that we run our practices, and what we call, theoretical orientations - which is kind of like the lens in which we see and focus on things with our clients.
I personally specialize in working with couples, and have dedicated the last 10 years to learning and really honing my skills in this area.
I'm trained in a couple of different orientations - but the one I use most in my work with couples is the Gottman Method, and I mention them a lot in my blogs. This method is backed by years of research and when couples are all-in, and are dedicated to doing the work in, and out of session, they see some awesome results!
So what is couples therapy actually like? Let me walk you through MY process, because remember, not all therapists work the same way, so I can only really speak to my own process:
In the first session I ask very similar questions when I'm meeting a couple for the first time. I want to know what their goals are for counseling, and I ask what their relationship will look like 3-6 months from now if therapy is working for them - what changes do they want to see?
In the first session I also get a relationship history. I want to know how they met, and all of the significant milestones in the relationship like the dating period, engagement, marriage, moving in together, having kids, jobs, relocations, etc.
I also talk to the couple about what's brought them in to counseling and ask them to discuss what they have done in the past to try to remedy these issues. When we discuss their current issues, couples typically get into an argument and I allow it because I’m assessing their communication and the patterns they get into.
Couples usually have a sort of dance that they do, arguments typically start the same, the middle looks similar, and then they usually end the same. So in order for me to best help them, I need to understand what that pattern looks like.
At no point during this or any of my sessions with couples do I play referee.I think this is a really common misconception about couples therapy. The therapist isn't there to say who's right and who they think is wrong, and they aren't there to try to get your partner to see it your way. That would just be a big waste of everyone's time and energy because that doesn't produce lasting change.
After that first session I send my couples the Relationship Checkup- it's an extensive background questionnaire that measures various aspects of the relationship like communication and connection patterns. They complete this assessment at home and then they each come in for an individual session with me.
In the individual sessions I talk with clients about their personal histories and backgrounds because this plays a huge role in the way each person relates and interacts in the relationship.
After that I have them come back as a couple. In that couples session I compile all of the info that l've gathered from the conversations I’ve had with them and all of the results from their Relationship Checkup, and I discuss a plan with them. We talk about what a really strong and healthy relationship looks like, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and what its going to take to get them where they want to be.
And then we dive in from there.
This roadmap looks different for every couple based on their specific needs and issues.
But as an example, if a couple is really struggling with having a lot of conflict, the work is going to be about ways they can manage their conflict more appropriately. This happens over the course of many sessions with them bringing up conflicts they are having at home.
Sometimes they will describe the issue and get back into it on my couch and I will help them slow down and understand various patterns they are falling into. I give them the tools to try and work on the issues in and out of sessions.
So that, in a very large nutshell is what couples therapy looks like. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to reach out!
Is marriage counseling your last resort? 3 reasons it should be your first defense
The average couple waits 6 years before starting marriage counseling. That’s 6 years of unhappiness. 6 years!? That’s like earning a Bachelor’s and Master's degree in unhappiness! I just can’t fathom being unhappy for that long and those are not degrees I want to earn.
Waiting that long and doing some of the aforementioned things to try and work on the issues is like receiving a cancer diagnosis, being told by the doctor that the remedy is chemo and/or radiation, but deciding to take vitamins to try and see if that helps for a couples of years before bringing out the big guns and doing the prescribed treatment.
“If this doesn’t work, then our next option is probably divorce.”
I hear this time and time again when new couples come into my office to work on their relationships. While I am trained in Discernment Counseling, I am still surprised at the number of people who use therapy as a last resort.
One of the questions I ask these couples is, “what have you done either individually or as a couple to work on some of the issues so that it didn’t get to this point?”
The answers are typically: more of the same, talk about not fighting, read a book, or made some behavioral changes that lasted a few months before old patterns started to return.
The average couple waits 6 years before starting marriage counseling. That’s 6 years of unhappiness. 6 years!? That’s like earning a Bachelor’s and Master's degree in unhappiness! I just can’t fathom being unhappy for that long and those are not degrees I want to earn.
Waiting that long and doing some of the aforementioned things to try and work on the issues is like receiving a cancer diagnosis, being told by the doctor that the remedy is chemo and/or radiation, but deciding to take vitamins to try and see if that helps for a couples of years before bringing out the big guns and doing the prescribed treatment.
You’d likely resort to chemo much sooner than later and this is how you should also view couples therapy.
Couples Therapy should be your first line of defense because:
The problems can be resolved much quicker.
When you choose the wait-and-see method and things don’t get resolved, people start to build resentment, and resentment is like poison for a relationship. It festers and causes a deep wedge between partners that takes much longer to resolve when couples wait to start therapy.
Couples are more likely to experience lasting change.
When couples come in sooner they learn to solve their problems, and learn to communicate in ways they haven’t before. When couples enter couples therapy sooner they are able to gain tools that they can pull from their toolbox for years to come which leads to lasting relationship satisfaction.
The length of therapy tends to be shorter, and thus less expensive in the long-run.
When couples come to therapy sooner there’s less “undoing” of negative patterns in most cases, and that leads to a shorter course of treatment.
On average I tell couples they should plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months, however, when couples come in for premarital counseling I generally see them for less than 6 months. Learning and implementing new skills takes much less time than undoing the damage that’s been caused by years of negative feelings and arguments in addition to learning new skills.
If you’ve been waiting for the right time to jump into marriage counseling with your partner, the time is now! Feel free to reach out and schedule a free phone consultation and get back on track - the sooner the better.
Filling the Emotional Bank Account - Part 2
This week I’m going to give you three more ways to make those deposits into the Emotional Bank Account and keep your marriage strong.
Have you been making bids for connection with your partner this past week? Do you have any idea what I’m talking about? If not, be sure to check out last week’s post where I discussed the Emotional Bank Account, and reciprocating bids for connection as a way to make deposits.
This week I’m going to give you three more ways to make those deposits. So without further ado, let’s just dive right in.
The second way to make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account is by speaking your partner’s Love Language.
Have you heard of The 5 Love Languages? It’s a great book, and an awesome concept by Gary Chapman. He teaches couples about the different ways to give love and to show love in relationships.
If you haven’t read the book, I’ll give you the quick Cliff’s Notes version: We all have ways that we give love and ways that we interpret love, and many times those two things are different, which is why it is important for us to understand the different languages.
The Five Love Languages are:
Gifts: you interpret your partner loves you when they give you gifts
Quality Time: you interpret your partner loves you when they spend time with you
Words of Affirmation: you interpret your partner loves you when they give you verbal compliments
Physical Touch: you interpret your partner loves you when they are physically affectionate with you
Acts of Service: you interpret your partner loves you when they go out of their way to do things for you such as making you a lunch, cleaning up around the house, etc.
If you haven’t already, you can go online to 5lovelanguages.com and take the quiz for free, and find out which one you most closely identify with. You also want your partner to take the quiz so that you can begin speaking one another’s love languages. When you show love in a way that your partner can hear, the results are so amazing! You feel heard and understood, and your connection will increase.
A third way to make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account is by creating a culture of appreciation in your home.
What I mean by this is, letting your partner know that you appreciate the little things they do and say.
It can be easy to point out the things they aren’t doing, and criticism can cloud the relationship, which is the opposite of what you want your partner to feel. By creating a culture of appreciation you are putting the things you appreciate at the forefront. Practice saying thank-you for the little things, let your partner know they are seen, and make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account.
The fourth way to make deposits into the emotional bank account is by nurturing your friendship.
We give our friends an awful amount of grace, but many times we aren’t so graceful with our partner.
For example, if you are going to meet a friend for a drink or coffee, and while you’re on your way your friend calls with an emergency, and says they aren’t going to be able to make it, typically you’d say, “ok, I hope everything is ok, and we’ll catch up next week.”
However, if you had plans to meet with your partner and you get a similar call, you may not be so nice in your response. (You can check out this post where I go more in-depth about this concept.)
I always ask the couples I work with what they are fighting about. When I hear responses like, “we fight over stupid little things,” or “we don’t even really know what starts the fights, they just seem to escalate,” my next questions are about ways they may or may not be nurturing their friendship.
When the friendship comes first, it’s easy to give grace, be forgiving, and not sweat the small stuff. If you’re looking for ways to nurture your friendship, think back to when you were first dating - what did you two like to do together? Get back to those things, or try new things. Get on Groupon or LivingSocial and find some new date ideas. Get out of your comfort zones together, laugh, and reconnect. This is the best way to build trust and connection.
If you and your partner seem to be missing the mark when it comes to filling the Emotional Bank Account, I’d love to hear from you. You can set up a phone consultation and we can talk about ways couples therapy might benefit you.
Am I to blame for my partner’s Affair?
When you discover that your partner has had an affair, it’s common to press rewind on the last year of your life together and look for all the signs you should have seen and things you missed. The times they were out late and didn’t invite you, the times they were on the phone way too long with their work colleague and you gave them the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to rock the boat.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Always. It’s just too easy to look back on an event and not see the signs, find the flubs, and scrutinize the details that were missed.
When you discover that your partner has had an affair, it’s common to press rewind on the last year of your life together and look for all the signs you should have seen and things you missed. The times they were out late and didn’t invite you, the times they were on the phone way too long with their work colleague and you gave them the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to rock the boat.
When hindsight is 20/20, it’s easy to place blame on yourself for missing the signs, or not acknowledging them or acting on your gut feeling in the moment. But the truth is, relationships are generally built on trust and it isn’t foolish to trust someone you love and are committed to.
As much as you’d probably like it to, the past can’t be erased, and the future of your relationship is what matters.
Many times I have clients who say things like, “I guess the last year was just one big lie. When we took that romantic vacation, and he said all those wonderful things to me, it must’ve been a lie!”
I beg to differ. Your partner saying they love you, and having an affair are not dependent upon one another. People can compartmentalize things in such a way that makes this possible. While I acknowledge that it’s confusing, I don’t believe that what is said in a moment of romance between you and your partner isn’t true for them. Just as what’s happening for them in the moments they share with someone they are having an affair with are also very real.
What you do in the aftermath of an affair is what matters most. How you handle and set new boundaries for your partner moving forward is where you can take charge, and ask for what you need.
I have seen clients that feel as though it is now their duty to punish their partner at all costs after discovering their affair. They tell their kids, they tell their friends, their family, and anyone else who will listen in an attempt to get their partner to feel shame for their transgressions.
When this happens, it creates a space that is no longer safe. Trust is one of the most difficult things to rebuild after infidelity, but when the injured partner creates a space of punishment at every corner, things can truly backfire and this often sends the straying partner back into the arms of the other.
So while you are not to blame for your partner straying in the first place, it is your responsibility to create a space and relationship after the affair where communication is open, and you are both able to be authentic as you push towards creating a new normal.
Looking back on the signs that you missed won’t do a lot of good. What will be beneficial is to identify your responsibility and contributions towards the rocky patch in your relationship that lead to your partner’s affair.
Did you stop communicating? Did you put your job ahead of your relationship? Did you stop nurturing the friendship between you and your partner? Once you can identify your role, you will have a good place to start the healing process.
You can only control yourself, and you can only work on changing yourself in the aftermath of an affair. You can change how you relate to your partner, how you communicate with them, and how you show up in your relationship, but without looking at yourself and really taking an inventory of what you need to change, there is no starting point.