Filling the Emotional Bank Account

I hope you’ve never had the experience of walking up to the ATM and attempting to withdraw cash, only to be denied because your balance is too low...womp, womp. It happened to me once as a broke college student in my 20’s, and I can recall vowing to never let it happen again - the feeling was just so disheartening! I also hope this doesn’t happen to you in your relationship. 

The emotional bank account is a lot like a regular bank account - if there’s nothing in it, there’s nothing to withdraw. When there’s nothing to withdraw, attempting to make a withdrawal tends to create more issues. 

Let me give you an example: Joe is down and out on his luck, his bank account is overdrawn, and he’s been late a few times to work recently. He’s driving to work, and unfortunately he gets a flat tire. He starts to panic. He knows he’s already been late, and his boss has been on his back, so he is anxious about having to call in with this emergency that is going to make him late, yet again. Not only is he going to be late again, he is going to have to call his brother and ask him for some help since he doesn’t have the money to fix his tire at the moment.

A flat tire is a nuisance. It’s not something we like dealing with, but it’s also not the end of the world. It’s something most people have experienced at least once in their lives. Typically you just get it fixed and move on. 

When you don’t have deposits in the emotional bank account, your experience can be much like Joe’s. Something small may come up - a spat, a conflict, a tough decision that you and your partner need to navigate, but when there’s nothing to draw from to offset this difficulty, it can lead to bigger issues. Suddenly this small inconvenience turns into a snowball of conflict and you find yourselves bringing up all of the past arguments you’ve had, and a rush of negative feelings comes in. Something small becomes something difficult and takes much longer to recover from than necessary. 

So how do you make deposits into the emotional bank account? 

I’m so glad you asked! ;)

One of the best ways to make a deposit in the emotional bank account is by reciprocating bids for connection from your partner. 

A bid for connection is very simple, and we are continuously making them throughout the time we spend with our partner. Put simply, a bid for connection is any time you reach out to connect to your partner. When you walk into a room and say hi, when you point out something you see out the window, or comment on your sister-in-law’s latest facebook post. 

As human beings we are wired for connection, and we especially want to connect to our partners in our romantic relationships. But when we make a bid for connection, we expect a response, and that response is when our partner either turns towards us, or turns away from us. 

Turning towards and turning away doesn’t mean you necessarily have to physically turn towards or away from your partner, but the feeling is the same. If your partner looks out the window and says, “wow, there’s a lot of birds outside!” In that moment you can say, “oh, wow,” (turn towards him/her), or you can keep scrolling on your phone (turn away). 

Dr. John Gottman says that we need a 5:1 ratio to keep our relationships healthy. So for every time you turn away and don’t reciprocate your partner’s bid for connection, you need to turn towards them five times. 

Bids for connection happen really fast, and so you must be cognizant of whether or not you’re reciprocating and turning towards your partner. When we don’t keep this 5:1 ratio and don’t turn towards our partner, it leads to feelings of separation and loneliness. 

Now that I’ve given you something to think about, and one way to make deposits into the emotional bank account, go out and pay attention to your partner’s bids for connection! Next week I’ll share a couple more ways to make those deposits. Or if you’re impatient and want all of the answers now (you’re my kinda person), you can check out my youtube video here where I share 4 ways to make deposits into the emotional bank account and keep your relationship healthy. 

If you have questions, or are having difficulty feeling like your emotional bank account is full, please reach out to me! I’m always happy to answer your questions, or provide you with a free phone consultation to see if therapy is the next best step for you and your partner.