Should you go to bed angry?

Let's bust a big fat myth today…

I’m sure you’ve heard that the best way to have a great marriage is to never go to bed angry. 

It’s concerning to me that couples will literally stay up all night going around and around with the same argument because they are trying to stick to this rule. 

I dunno about you but that sounds like a one-way ticket to complete exhaustion and a week of trying to make up for lost sleep. 

This rule is damaging because it doesn’t take into account the amount of damage that can be done by continuing to fight when you’re dysregulated. It doesn’t take into account the quality of communication that you’re having. You could be yelling, throwing things, name calling, and giving the silent treatment.

When couples start working with us not only do they learn how to regulate their emotions, but they understand their body’s warning signals that tell them when they are starting to become dysregulated. 

They learn how to call time-outs and how to respect one another’s requests to stop.  They learn how to return to the conversation when they are feeling more in control of their emotions. 

Our couples learn how to have conflict and still feel connected and loving. 

They don’t turn into enemies and they actually come to agreements about the things they are fighting about. 

There’s no more pushing things under the rug, walking on eggshells, or silent treatment. 

If you want to stop having marathon fights and learn how to improve your communication…

Click HERE and book your free 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you started with a couples expert and help you stop the marathon fights that go nowhere. 

Will Marriage Counseling Help? A note about Timing

After weeks of putting it off, I finally did it. I went into my backyard and I pulled out the jungle of weeds that had taken over. 

The weeds had been growing for months and months, and here in California, we had an exceptionally wet winter. I watched every day as the weeds grew taller and taller. But I was waiting for the perfect time to finally go out and clear the yard. 

As I watched and waited, the taller they grew, the more overwhelming the job seemed. 

With a gathering of friends at my home looming, and a stretch of sunny days in the forecast, I finally made the time to do it. The morning was hot AF, and by the time I was done my back and leg muscles were extremely sore and tired. 

As I was working, I thought about you, and I thought about timing. And how sometimes you just aren’t ready. Sometimes you know that the job ahead is going to be longer and harder the more you put it off, but sometimes it’s really just about finding that window of time to really dive into some of things that seem really daunting. 

I think this is the case for a lot of people like you who have been struggling in their marriages. You’ve probably watched the fights getting closer, and closer together, or the distance between you and your partner growing larger and larger as you spend days and days without speaking to one another. 

You know that things can get better, but you also know that you need guidance to get you to that place. 

Therapy might seem like that daunting task - the one that you know you really need to dive into.  

I totally understand that you might be waiting for the “right“ moment to start. 

But the longer you wait, the bigger the weeds will get, and the more muscle power you’ll need. Things aren’t always going to align and fall into place. So maybe this email is the gentle nudge that you need to pick up the phone and finally make your first couples therapy appointment. 

Or if you’re already in therapy with one of our rockstar therapists at Rancho Counseling, maybe this is the nudge that you need to go a little deeper in your next session; to bring up something that seemed daunting before, something that you know you’ve been needing to address. 

Once you truly lean in and trust in the process, there can be a little clearing for you to enjoy much like the one I created in my own backyard. 

My kids now have more area to play along with my dogs. 

When I look out the window, I no longer see a cumbersome task, but the edge of my yard filled with emptiness and opportunity to plant some new beautiful flowers that will be much more enjoyable than the weeds that once covered the area.

Leaning into your process and creating a clearing in your own mind or relationship will allow you the space to create something amazing! 

What is that for you? 

What do you wish you had more room for in the space between you and your partner? 

Once you clear all the BS, what will you fill the space with? More date nights? More sex? More connective, soul connecting conversations that feel supportive and fulfilling? 

Or if you’re solo, maybe freeing yourself from the hurt of your childhood traumas will give you the space to create more meaningful friendships or even a new romantic relationship?

Hit reply and let me know, or comment below. I love hearing from you! 

Now is actually a fantastic time to start therapy! Yahsemin just opened up several evening times in her schedule and has openings Thursdays from 3-7pm! 

Yahsemin is fantastic and has been with Rancho Counseling for over a year now. She’s gotten so much experience and training and is about to take her clinical exam for licensure! 

Yahsemin has worked with some of the most difficult cases over the last year here, she’s helped couples through the infidelity recovery process and has helped so many couples improve their communication and connection over the past year - I just had to throw out there how proud I am of her!  

Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help

When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.  

They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over. 

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.  

Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.” 

It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin. 

The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have. 

The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope. 

⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”

For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it. 

If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of! 

It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another! 

Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!

10 Ways for Mamas to Recharge

Whether you’ve had a long day with the kiddos, a trying day at work, or pretty simple and easy day, self care for mom seems to get put on the backburner. I hear things like, “There’s not enough time,” or “How can I prioritize myself above my kids?”

The best metaphor I can use here is pouring from an empty cup.

If we have nothing, we’ve got nothing to give.

I explained a little more in-depth about the necessary superpower of asking for help in my last post, so if you haven’t checked it out go and do yourself a huge favor ;)

I’ll admit that mommy guilt can creep up on me like a storm, and running a business can take me away from spending as much time as I think I’m “supposed to” with my kids. After a long day, I want to get in bed with the baby and run my hands over his angel soft little cheeks, and shower him with kisses. I can let that guilt turn me into a fairy Godmother, that grants all the wishes I possibly can in the hour I see them before they go off to bed, and when the sun rises the following day that guilt can trick me into thinking I have to give like I’ve never given before.

I tell myself things like, “I’m going to be present, we are only eating organic, and I’m not going to look at my phone once for the next 24 hours because I was gone all day yesterday, and I really need to give, give, give of myself to this little being." I seriously sound like my favorite #momtruths mamas, Cat & Nat in this hilarious video.

That video is so hilarious because it’s just so true!    

I get to about noon, and all that presence wears me out. My business and my people are so rewarding and fun, but even a day at Disneyland takes a toll and you eventually wish for some quarters for that machine that gives the crumby foot massage. That foot massage is what gives you the pep back in your step and pushes you toward that last ride and then to the car.

It’s not fair to think that we can be present at ALL times. In order to do all the things, mamas need to time to themselves, they need that foot massage to get over the hump, and they need to fill their cup so they can give to their people.

Here are 10 things you can do to recharge your batteries that I think are so much better than that crumby foot massage machine:

1.     Meditate.

In the last several months I’ve become obsessed with my Headspace app. You might think of meditation as some strange thing that only monks do, but it’s truly like a little cat nap for your brain and I highly recommend it. Mama brains are like a website browser that has 1,000 tabs open at all times, and it can be seriously overwhelming to have all the tasks and to-dos floating around in there. Take 10 minutes out of your day and refocus your mind. You’ll come back to your day feeling a little lighter and a little more refreshed.  

2.     Journal.

Capture all of the things that you are grateful for, and the fantastic moments of the day that you don’t want to forget. I love The 5-minute Journal, and it comes in paper form or as an app. When we focus our minds on gratitude, it helps to melt away stress and anxiety and bring us back to what’s really important.

3.     Give yourself permission to use naptime as your time.

Instead of catching up on chores, do something for yourself. Call a friend and catch up, watch that show you've been meaning to get to, even if it's only for 30 minutes and the rest of the time you actually catch up on chores - they're always going to be there. A happy, present mama is worth so much more than a load of laundry. 

4.     Take a bath. 

That sudsy goodness isn’t just for your little ones! After a long day, a nice dip in the tub with the door closed and locked, and no tiny hands rummaging through bathroom cabinets can do wonders for your mind and your body. If you don’t have a bathtub, take a nice long, hot shower. Listen to some music, and indulge in some nice aromatherapy with a sweet-smelling bath salt or body wash.

5.     Hit the gym.

If you can't get to the gym, try something like Stroller Strides, or create your own workout at home. There are so many solutions to the problem of not having childcare, so hit up Google for some exercises with kiddos and babies. Exercise will give you more energy and boost your endorphin levels helping you feel less anxiety and more self-confidence.

6.     Create a space just for you in your home.

For me this is my office. It’s where I go to write, and think, and meditate. Truthfully, it isn’t even all mine, because I share it with my hubby who also works out of there, but that piece of space is just for me. Having a small corner somewhere in your home or yard that’s decorated just for you where you can read, do yoga, or just pass by and look at will remind you that there is more to you than just being mama. Create a little space that’s inviting that will remind you to take a couple minutes for yourself each day.

7.     Join a moms group.

I know not all moms see the value in this, and it can be scary to put yourself out there and meet a group of strangers, but knowing that you’re not alone in your journey as a mama is so important. If you don’t feel up to meeting new people, and already have a group of friends that also have kids, arrange to meet up on an ongoing basis – once a week for a park date or activity. The emphasis here is on connection and the kids will love it too.

8.     Plan a MNO, and make it a recurring event in your calendar. 

Having a kid-free event with your pals on the calendar can help you survive a hellish week of teething, tantrums, and carpool. Plan something fun and give yourself permission to let daddy or the babysitter be in charge for an evening so you can enjoy yourself and do something that makes you happy.

9.     Get a massage or spa treatment. 

Do it without guilt. Carrying around little ones doesn’t just take a toll on your brain, but also on your body. If you can’t realistically plan a full day to indulge at a spa, try booking a 30-minute massage and sneaking out to indulge a little. While you might initially feel a little guilty for this indulgence, focus on the way you feel when you return home to your little people, and keep that in mind. Filling your cup is what’s important here.

10. Plan a retreat weekend. 

This might sound like a big leap here, and as I shared in my last post, I didn’t get to this one for a while. I took a retreat for a long weekend with a fantastic group of Lady Bosses, and it was fantastic! It took some planning and preparation to leave for 3 days, but I came back refreshed, and rejuvenated. Not having to cook or clean up after people, and enjoying full meals without interruption can sometimes be what we need to wind us back up!

So there you have it – I’ve given you 10 ways to recharge and fill your own cup. As you may have noticed, I started small. If taking time for yourself seems selfish, start small and work your way up to doing things that take a little more time and planning, or create your own list and pick and choose things that make you feel like your best self. If you’re not quite sure how to do that, and could use some help, I’m so happy to support my fellow mamas out there, don’t hesitate – pick up the phone and call me (909)226-6124.

The Superpower Every Mom Needs

There is the hierarchy in family life in which everything aligns. At the top is you. The mom. The person who holds it all together, the knower of all – we’ve all heard the saying “It’s not lost until mom doesn’t know where it is,” right?

Everything hinges on mom. Mom knows where everything is, and knows the perfect sequence of all that must align in order to get the kids where they need to be and keep the household running on a daily basis. Mom knows what to pack; mom knows the perfect toy or stuffed animal that’s going to keep the baby from crying the whole way to grandma’s house. Everything and everyone is dependent on mom.

And that can be insanely exhausting!

What I’ve learned from talking with the moms I work with in my practice and from my own experience is that this pressure for mom to have it all together happens for a couple of different reasons.

One of the biggest reasons is that mom has trouble asking for help.

She feels as though she can do it all, she runs herself ragged trying to do it all, and does do it all. Until she can’t.

When you can’t do it all, frustration, anger, and sometimes even rage are the results.

Anger towards your partner - that should’ve known you needed help.

Anger towards the cars in front of you that are moving like snails and making you late for the doctor’s appointment.

Anger towards the kids for having the unnecessary tantrum in the waiting room over their juice being the wrong flavor.

So why not just relinquish control?

Well, because no one else knows how to do it quite right.

They don’t know that you need to kiss the boo-boo 4 times before you put the band-aide on, or that you need to pack the diaper cream and the cold pills because your little guy’s stuffy nose and diaper rash can flair up out of nowhere. No one will be as careful, no one will be as attentive, and no one will be as loving.

Mom must do it all.

But what happens when you can’t? What happens when you feel the crazy overwhelm that turns you into Monstermom - you know, where your head spins around twice and then you spew out your anger like a fire-breathing dragon?

Or maybe you cry a little. Or a lot. You hide in the bathroom after the kids are asleep and just break down into a good ol ugly cry. You feel sorry for yourself. No one else can possibly understand how hard this mom thing is, can they?   

You might wonder if it is really this hard for everyone else. Your partner certainly doesn’t understand, he acts like it should be a breeze – damn, it is a breeze for him. Why doesn’t he get as overwhelmed as you?

What if being supermom meant something a little different?

What if instead of it meaning that you create the perfect bento box lunch, and remember to write the perfect note to your child daily, it meant that you knew how to ask for help?

What if doing it all meant that you show up for your kids, and didn’t get so overwhelmed? What if it meant that you were able to be present, that your mind didn’t race, and that you no longer were fearful of leaving your kids with grandma for a night?

What if your new superpower became asking for help, before you needed it?

What if it meant taking care of yourself before your kids?

I’m here to tell you that, THAT is a superpower!

I’m willing to bet you a pack of fruit snacks that you have at least 2 people in your life that would be willing to help you on any given day. One of them probably sleeps right next to you every night.

It’s not easy to ask for help. I get it. No one can do it the way you do, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing! They may just do it differently, and if you live in the US, there’s probably a store located within driving distance where you can purchase anything that may have been forgotten.

I’ve been on a weekend retreat with 9 other fantastic therapists, all sharing ideas, inspiration, and support to one another in a cabin on Lake Tahoe. Sure I miss my kids and my husband, but it’s really hard to write these posts, and get other projects done in the house while also trying to be supermom.

What’s even harder though, is trying to pour from an empty cup.

I’ve had 3 fabulous days to get work done, collaborate, talk, laugh, and enjoy some beautiful scenery. Working through a weekend might not sound that fab to everyone, but I love the work I do, and it fills my cup.

Even though I know my 2 year old has likely had more screen time, and sugar over the weekend than I would have given him, he’s with people that love and care about him. They don’t do it the same way I do, but what’s more important to me is getting back to him and doing it my way with a sense of calm and the ability to be present, which I’ve come to recognize only comes when I take care of myself first.

I didn’t get to this place where I could be away for an entire weekend overnight, and I don’t expect you to either. It doesn’t even always take an entire weekend, and I’m so blessed to be able to do something like this, but it’s a mama superpower to recognize when I need to recharge.

Next week I’m going to share 10 ways you can tap into this superpower and recharge on the fly, so be sure to look for my post in your inbox. See ya there! Until then think about ways you can let go a little and ask for what you need. If you continue to struggle with this, I’m happy to help, give me a call and we can talk about whether joining out Mindful Mum Tribe is right for you (909) 226-6124.