Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help

When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.  

They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over. 

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.  

Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.” 

It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin. 

The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have. 

The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope. 

⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”

For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it. 

If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of! 

It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another! 

Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!

Making your Marriage Last by Building a Culture of Appreciation

Have you ever wondered why some couples just have what it takes to make their marriage last? You know those couples - the ones that always seem happy and connected, and it seems like they never fight. They’re the couples who have been together for years and years, and who always just seem to have that spark. 

Want to know their secrets? 

Well let me tell you, there are specific qualities that happy couples possess, but it’s not as complicated as you might think! 

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be sharing the secrets of lasting, satisfying relationships, and the specific things that these “Master Couples” implement regularly to keep their relationships from heading in the wrong direction. 

I’m also going to share some of the negative patterns that couples who are heading towards divorce tend to fall into so that you can avoid these destructive patterns and focus on counteracting them if they do exist in your marriage: 

One of the greatest predictors of divorce is a pattern of contempt in relationships. 

Contempt is an ugly pattern and I see it frequently in my office. It honestly makes my stomach hurt when it shows up. 

Contempt is typically the response to long simmering resentments. Couples who are contemptuous take every opportunity to make negative comments about their partners. They sneer, roll their eyes, use sarcasm, name-call, and mock or mimic their partner in a judgmental way. 

When I see couples showing up this way it’s difficult to imagine them ever even liking one another - but typically at some point they did. 

Usually early on in the relationship these patterns did not exist. 

Couples who avoid conflict have a tendency to get to this place because they hold on to their partner’s transgressions and rarely voice a need for change. They also wait too long to talk about issues and don’t have open dialogues about problems when they arise.  

The good news is that there are ways to counteract this negative pattern. One of the secrets to having a happy, healthy relationship is building a culture of appreciation in your marriage. Here are five ways to create a culture of appreciation in your marriage: 

1. Remember the 5:1 ratio. In order to counteract negativity and conflict in your relationship there should be a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative sentiments that are expressed. For every negative comment or interaction, there needs to be five positive expressions.

2. Express appreciation. Expressing appreciation goes a long way! Make it a habit to tell your partner how much you appreciate their help, their kindness, their affection, or anything else that they do that makes you smile.

3. Express gratitude. Make it a habit to regularly express gratitude. Say thank you for the little things, and say it often.

4. Show Respect. Maintain respect for your partner even when you disagree. Don't name-call, criticize, or put them down. Talk about your partner positively to others and in front of others.

5. Show affection. Regularly reach out to your partner to initiate affection. A hug, a hand hold, or a brush of the hair goes a long way. If affection does not come naturally to you, start by getting in the habit of showing affection when saying hello or good-bye and move on from there. 

If you feel like you’re in a contemptuous relationship, the best time to start couples therapy is ASAP! Past hurts and resentments should be discussed and processed in order to move forward and make room for building a culture of appreciation. 

Bids for Connection: How to make and reciprocate them

How well do you notice when your partner is reaching out to connect with you? 

That process of reaching out to connect is called a bid for connection. 

As human beings we are wired for connection, and in our romantic relationships we want to connect with our partner. I know you’re probably thinking, “duh, Alicia, of course!” 

Even though this concept is incredibly simple, it’s amazing how many couples miss the importance of this, and end up feeling lonely in their relationships. 

As simple as bids for connection are to make, they are just as simple to miss because they happen quickly. (Kind of like when you go to the grocery store and the automatic doors open, and you have a few seconds to get in, or the doors close.)

An example of a bid for connection could be: you and your partner are sitting on the couch, and your partner looks out the window, and says, “wow, there are a lot of birds out there.” 

This is not a relationship altering revelation, it’s just a simple observation but one that your partner sees as a way to connect. 

At that moment you can turn towards your partner by saying something like, “oh, yeah.”  Or you can turn away from your partner which would be something like continuing to scroll on your phone, or keep your gaze focused on the game you’re watching on TV. 

(You don’t even have to physically turn towards your partner, that’s just the language that we use to describe reciprocating bids for connection.)

According to John Gottman, in order to maintain a healthy relationship there needs to be a 5 to 1 ratio when it comes to reciprocating bids for connection; so for every time you turn away from your partner and don’t reciprocate a bid for connection, there needs to be five times that you do. 

Reciprocating your partner’s bids for connection is extremely important because when a person feels like their partner isn’t reciprocating their bids they tend to make meaning of this, and they begin to tell themselves things like, “I guess what I have to say isn’t interesting to my partner,” or, “I am not interesting to my partner.”

After continued missed bids for connection, the person who feels like they aren’t important or interesting stops making bids altogether, and one or both partners begin to feel lonely. 

Loneliness in a marriage is a difficult feeling, and since I work with so many couples recovering from infidelity, it makes me worry because that loneliness can be a slippery slope that allows a person to give themself permission to begin opening up to someone else. 

So, look up.

Acknowledge your partner when they are reaching out to connect to you.

Even if it’s just to point out the flock of birds outside the window. Those little connections are important even if the subject matter really isn’t. 

If you’re finding it difficult to reciprocate your partner’s bids for connection, or you're feeling disconnected because your partner isn’t turning towards you, therapy can help. We help our couples create the safety they need in their relationships to make and reciprocate those bids for connection. Click the link below to book your free 15-minute phone consultation or call us today at (909) 600-0306 and get your relationship back on track.

Why is it so hard to be Quarantined with my Partner?

I just wrapped up my 4th week of seeing clients online, and everyone seems to be settling into their new normal.  For many this includes social distancing, working from home, and trying to figure out how to juggle working and also homeschooling kids from home - it’s a lot! 

Since I specialize in working with couples, relationship issues aren’t a surprise to me. Relationship issues are normal. But what’s not normal is doing all of the tasks that we once did in various locations all in one space, and trying to maintain healthy boundaries. 

To de-stress I used to head to my local yoga studio, take a heated, sweaty class, finish feeling grounded, chat with my friends, and then come home. Now I head to my bedroom to try and do an online class and hope that one of my small children isn’t hot on my heels. In the middle of said class, it’s been a miracle if I’m not joined by my toddler who also wants to try some yoga. The result is usually her becoming upset that I’m hogging MY yoga mat. 

There’s a part of me that loves to see her try to do yoga with me, and then there’s a part of me that is utterly annoyed at the fact that I’m not getting the same results from what used to be my go-to self-care routine. 

For most of us, that separation is not just a luxury, but it was something that was necessary. The commute to work provided a time of separation from home to the staff meeting. Sending kids off to school provided time for many parents to work or get things done around the house, and who we are in our work environments offered separation from who we need to be at home. 

Now the lines are blurred. Everything is happening at the kitchen table - the work, the schoolwork, the meetings, and the meals, and it can create a magnified effect for relationship issues. 

So take some time to create those separations. Have a conversation with your partner about your previous de-stressors, and how you can create that feeling of separateness in order to still partake in them. 

Do you need to create a schedule in order to help uphold those times, and so one of you can keep an eye on the kids so the other can get work done or get some exercise in? If so, then talk to your partner openly about your needs. 

Discuss alone time. Commutes, time out with friends, and chats in the office break room with coworkers allow us to exist separately from our partners. But without those things, it can feel like we need to be together all the time because we are now in the same space 24/7 - but that is not the case. 

Our need for alone time is needed now more than ever before, so talk about it. Talk about what you’d like that to look like in your home, and how you can support one another’s needs. 

Think about having these conversations when things are neutral. Bringing them up in the heat of the moment often leads to blow-ups and misunderstandings. Avoid blaming and criticizing, and discuss the emotion that comes up for you when you aren’t able to do the things you once enjoyed, and make requests - ask for what you need from your partner to feel supported, and offer to reciprocate to help them feel more comfortable during this time. 

If this is something you could use more support with, please reach out! We are accepting new clients online, and are happy to help you improve the communication and connection with your partner! 

IDK WTF I’m doing Either

We are on our 19th day of social distancing/quarantine, and you read that correctly - I don’t know wtf I’m doing either. 

It seems surreal that just a few weeks ago I was sitting across from clients in my office, and going about my week as usual, and then everything changed. It felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. 

The past 3 weeks have been like a roller coaster. Shifting my entire caseload online, working from home, homeschooling errrr, trying not to feel guilty about all the screentime my kids are getting, having our 20 year old daughter move back home from college, and making 1,284 +1 meals a day - how many meals do toddlers need in a day?? 

It’s been exhausting, and I’m just riding the wave like everyone else. Being a therapist doesn't make you immune from issues and stresses, and it certainly doesn’t offer immunity from the effects of a global pandemic.   

But as I write this today, on my 19th day of social distancing, I’m feeling like I’ve found my stride. I’m adjusting to this new normal, and I’ve moved out of my grief about it all (for now). 

But that’s where you still might be - paralyzed with anxiety, grieving and feeling depressed about the huge shifts and things that you’ve had to give up, cancel, and adjust to, and that’s ok too. No one has been through this, and therefore there are no right answers - we are all just doing the best we can. 

While I don’t know how to navigate my home life all the time, there are still things that I do know:

I’ve always known that community is important, and I’ve been involved in a handful that have really helped me in so many ways. I think our leaders got it wrong when they titled it, “Social Distancing,” because what we need isn’t to be socially distant, what we need is to be physically distant. 

Keep reaching out to the communities that you belong to online. If there isn’t an online presence for them already, you can create one - this has been really big for me, and kept me sane through the past couple of weeks. Checking in with friends, colleagues, and family online has been awesome. 

I know that there are couples out there that are still struggling, and that sheltering in place together is like having a microscope on your relationship. I know this because I’m still seeing them on my computer screen, and I’m still getting calls from them. 

I’ve had several couples tell me that this is actually a good time for them, because they are both home now due to work schedule changes, and they are able to use the time to focus on their relationships. 

I’ve also had couples tell me that they didn’t know how things would go as we shifted our work online, but that they have been pleasantly surprised to see that it is almost like being in the office. 

In the past couple of weeks I’ve also worked with couples whose small children were in the room during our sessions, and guess what? Instead of them being a huge distraction as they had feared, having the kids there allowed me to see their parenting dynamic, and it was all grist for the mill and extremely helpful. 

Right now social gatherings are on hold. But what’s not on hold is our emotional experience, and my clients are continuing to show up online and do the work that they know can’t wait until this “blows over.” The truth is, we don’t know when this is going to be over, so I urge you to take the time now to do the work and to reach out for therapy. There’s really never a right time, so even if you think online therapy isn’t ideal, you may be pleasantly surprised.