Why? And other questions after Infidelity

There are so many questions that come up after one partner has an affair, and the main question that I hear when working with couples struggling to move forward is, why? This is usually one of the main questions asked by the injured partner, however it is typically something that the participating partner has the most difficulty answering.

There are various ways in which couples deal with affairs, they either 1) ignore the problem and hope to push past it without truly delving into discussing it explicitly 2) spend even more time together, and try to “love it out” in a sense, or 3) they separate in an attempt to stop fighting about it.

Wanting to know why your partner did this to you seems as though it will unlock so much, and help you to move forward. But in my opinion, and in the work that I do with couples I’ve found that there isn’t always one definitive answer that’s really good enough for the injured partner, and it typically takes a great amount of time for the participating partner to truly understand why they decided to look stray. 

This can be extremely frustrating for the injured partner, and difficult to understand, however I suggest more important things to focus on while getting to the “why?”:

1.     What about us? In the initial phase of healing from infidelity it is important to set boundaries for daily living and talk about how you will continue to be in the same household during this emotional time.

2.     Have you considered leaving the relationship? Although it isn’t vital to have a definitive answer at this point, it is helpful to find understanding in your partner’s feeling about staying in the relationship and working through the infidelity.

3.     What level of intimacy feels ok right now? Considering what normal activities feel right at the time and discussing them with your partner are essential in creating healthy boundaries in the initial phase of recovery. Deciding to do things like have coffee together in the mornings, hug, kiss, hold hands, and sleep in the same bed, and being vocal about what feels right will help keep everyone on the same page. I also suggest that you talk about what happens if you begin to feel uncomfortable with anything that you’ve agreed to try.

4.     What are we committed to doing in the short term? Creatinga short term plan to work towards healing and moving past the affair may be all you can commit to, and that’s ok. While there isn’t a definite time frame for this, it should be something both partners agree to and feel comfortable with. Within this commitment should be parameters about how you will work to improve the relationship and might sound something like, “I propose we work intensely on our relationship for the next 3 months and then reassess. That means attending weekly counseling, completing all homework set forth by our therapist, and continuing to stay in the home together, and making our relationship our top priority to see if we can indeed get past this.”

5.     Are you committed to a process of learning about how we each contributed to this affair happening? If so, are you willing to take responsibility? Are you committed to learning more about us individually and as a couple? I know this is a three-part question, but in order to move forward you must have all three components. This should also be something that each partner will commit to doing in small increments of time. While the larger question is always whether or not you should stay together, it is a process that occurs in order to find the answer.

Secrecy plays a huge role in an affair and is what the injured partner typically has the most difficulty dealing with and so if the participating partner is willing to be honest about their feelings and their commitment to move forward, this will help greatly in creating a new normal and in rebuilding trust.

Communicating after infidelity can be incredibly challenging. I see many individuals and couples struggle to find the appropriate way to move forward after their partner has been unfaithful, and so I’ve created a FREE guide titled, “My husband cheated: Communicating with your partner in the wake of Infidelity” and you can get it by signing up here. Whether you are the injured or participating partner, there is great info for both in learning to communicate after infidelity, so I hope you’ll get your copy!

If you could use more support and want to talk about the possibility of couples counseling, please give me a call at (909) 226-6124. I’m happy to chat with you about the benefits of counseling and how you can begin to move forward. 

The greatest gifts to give your single self this Christmas

It’s better to give than to receive, right? In that case, this Christmas give yourself exactly what you need. While love from others is necessary, welcomed, and can help you to forget your single status, love for yourself is far more important so while you may be mending a broken heart, pushing past a rocky patch in your relationship, or just enjoying the single life, here are a few things that will make any of those, that much greater:

1.     “You are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. Admittedly this was one of my favorite books this year. It’s an awesome self-help book for those that loathe the term “self-help.”  Jen gets to the nuts and bolts of pushing you past the things that are holding you back from being your most badass self! She takes the kid gloves off, and gives it to you straight. I like her style, and I think you will too (unless you take offense to curse words).

2.     Adult Coloring books. Remember how fun it was to color as a kid? Whether you kept it in the lines, or were a perpetual scribbler, I bet you never recognized the mental health benefits as a child. Coloring can be meditative and it decreases anxiety and increases creativity and you don’t have to be an amazing artist to enjoy it.  There are some fabulous patterns available for adults that will put those cartoon characters you used to color to shame.

3.     Pandora radio subscription.  This is not a completely novel idea, but the reason I suggest the paid version is because we all deserve commercial free music. Pandora’s Calm Meditation Radio is one of my favorites to help me get to Zen. Meditation has some amazing health benefits. Set the timer on your phone, put your headphones in, and sit and focus on your breath for a few undivided minutes per day. You’ll notice a positive shift in your mood, decrease in your stress level, and gain mental clarity. Meditating first thing in the morning can help you start your day off right, and the right music sets the tone.

4.     “Rising Strong” by Brené Brown. Brené Brown is one of my all-time favorite writers. She rocks it in her latest book, which will help you pick yourself up, recognize the power of vulnerability, and change the way you approach relationships. Brené is a fantastic story-teller and researcher. This book is pure gold as it teaches you to own your story about challenges and heartbreak.

5.     An adventure. Once you take the plunge into becoming a badass and rise strong, it’s time for a new adventure! Pick a hobby or that thing you’ve always been curious about and go out and do it. Don’t wait for the perfect person to enjoy said activity with, know that you are ok all on your own, and take your strong, badass self on that hike you’ve always wanted to conquer. Heck, you might even want to join a hiking club, or a watercolor class, or take scuba lessons. Push past your fears and just to diminish the excuses, book that lesson or class as a gift to yourself this Christmas. You’ll be glad you did!

I hope you receive all the gifts you truly deserve this Christmas. My wish is that your holiday will be filled with great connection to people that matter. But don’t wait for others to fulfill your wish list – instead, grab that list by the horns and make it happen for yourself. You’re worth it!

If you could use some extra support through the holiday season and beyond, don’t hesitate to give me a call, (909) 226-6124. I’d love to help you gain the strength you need to push past your relationship struggles and get what you truly want out of life.     

Surviving Engagement Season as a Single

The holiday season is supposed to be all about joy, togetherness, and connection. It can also be a time to feel more lonely and scroogy than ever, especially when you’re single and every jeweler in America decides to roll out their holiday commercials and glorify this time as the perfect season for engagements. While those commercials can be heart warming to some, they can also be heart wrenching for others and serve as a reminder of your singleness. If you fall into the second camp, I have a few tips on how to survive engagement season as a single:

1. Have a plan. Decide to recognize that there are triggers this season that can cause you to feel down about yourself, your relationship, or lack thereof.

Plan your own important events throughout the season. Make sure you've scheduled down time and things that excite and energize you. 

There’s a huge difference between slowly pushing through with your head down, and moving forward with a positive plan and trajectory in mind.

2. Prepare and remove yourself from things that trigger negative thoughts. Fast-forward through those commercials, don’t watch sappy love stories, and stay away from songs that make you want to sing your heart out through bouts of tears. Instead focus on things that are positive mood boosters.

Have you always wanted to try meditation, painting, or that weird dance class at the gym? Do it! Find a class nearby and put it on your calendar. Replace those cry sessions with something that makes you feel great about yourself.

3. Stay aware of your feelings in order to regulate them. If you find yourself having negative feelings about a friend or family member who is getting engaged stop and take a time out. Evaluate your feelings and try to figure out where they are coming from. Is it your own feeling of - things aren't quite where you'd like them to be in your life? If so, make a plan as to what you’ll do when those feelings arise.

Staying aware and having a plan will be the difference between feeling a giant punch in the gut, or a friendly jab on the shoulder, when you watch your cousin get down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend in front of the entire family.

4. Make plans for the future to get you to where you’d like to be. If you would also like to be engaged make a list of things that are stopping you or standing in your way, and then a plan for what you'll do about those things. Do you need a better partner? Are you giving your partner a vibe that you're fearful of marriage? Or do you perceive your partner to be fearful of marriage?

You can’t be engaged if you aren’t dating anyone and serious about the relationship. Healing your own heartache and working on bettering yourself before getting into a new relationship is always the best recommendation and something to focus on when you feel negativity start to creep in.

5. Don’t just accept where you are, own it. If you’re currently struggling to put one foot in front of the other and move forward from a lost relationship, find acceptance in that, but also take ownership of it by choosing not to wallow in it, and continually commit to working through it. Set intentions each day to do at least one thing that will help you move forward.

Connect with a friend. Talk to someone about how you’re moving forward. Commit to doing something that your old relationship might have been holding you back from doing. Focus on yourself and being a whole person so that when you’re ready to meet someone else you have much to offer him or her.

Replacing thoughts of negativity with reminders of what you are doing to move forward will help you remain positive and can even help you to feel like celebrating the love that people you care about are experiencing.

If you’re struggling to push through the season, and would like some support, I’d love to help. You can call me at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation where we can talk about ways to get you on track towards healing. 

Same-Sex Friendships: Why they’re important, and how to make them

Remember when you were a kid and you and your BFF rode bikes together, went back and forth from each other’s houses, stayed up way too late laughing at nothing and everything all at the same time?

Moving into adulthood means you won’t likely be spending the night over at your same-sex bestie’s house every other weekend, but it doesn’t have to mean that the benefits of a close relationship like that have to change.

If you aren’t still in touch with your childhood best friend, you aren’t alone. Life gets busy. Work, family, and other obligations often get in the way, and high school and childhood friends often drift away.

It can sometimes be difficult to replace those relationships, but having a same-sex friend that you are able to share things with is so beneficial. When your friend is the same gender, you not only have the same anatomy, but you have the ability to share things that you may not with a romantic partner, or friend of the opposite sex.

There is typically no question of attraction between same-sex friends, (unless of course, one party is not forth-coming with their sexual preference) and so that diminishes some pressure in establishing a deep relationship that can be potentially threatening to a romantic partner.  

In case you haven’t heard, laughter is one of life’s best medicines and truly does have so many scientifically proven health benefits. In addition to sharing a laugh with a close friend, friendships are where we can go to gain strength, encouragement, and understanding.

No matter what you’re going through in life, it’s always better when it’s shared with a friend. Celebrating the highs, and getting encouragement through the lows is so important. But why can they sometimes feel so hard to make, or maintain once you reach adulthood?

The playing field tends to shrink once high school friends drift away for school, employment, and other opportunities. After college, the opportunity to join sororities and clubs is no longer right in front of you and so it can be challenging to find same sex friends who share common interests. 

Depending on the size of the company you work for, and your ability to interact, it can be challenging to cultivate those necessary relationships in the workplace.  Age ranges can differ greatly in the workplace among coworkers, and some places create a culture of competition, which doesn’t always elicit camaraderie.  

Friendships are unique in that they are something we seek out, and are responsible for maintaining. If you’ve found yourself in a place where you can use a few more same sex friendships, then it’s time to step out of your comfort zone and find ways to connect.

Places like meetup.com, and other community-based listing sites can be excellent avenues to find groups of people with common interests. There are literally thousands of groups out there that are gender specific with members truly looking to connect with people that share their interests. There are mommy groups, singles groups, divorcé groups, and couples groups, so regardless of your relationship status there is a group for you.

Community involvement and volunteerism can also open doors to meet others who value altruism and similar causes. Joining an adult sports league, running, hiking, or biking group incorporates fitness and connection. It takes some effort and strength to put yourself out there, but the connections you can make are worth it. 

We also live in an age where our friendships can be virtual. Looking for Facebook or other social media groups where others share similar interests can be an excellent way to “meet,” and once you find people who you’d like to share a more personal connection with, connecting via Skype or facetime can connect you with someone across the country or globe that you really hit it off with. It may not seem the same as sitting across from a friend at a coffee shop, but I’ve shared many cups of coffee with awesome people via a Google Hangout, and felt even more connected (don’t knock it till you try it!).

The avenues for connection are great, and the Internet makes searching so simple, so don’t let your location or place in life be an excuse not to cultivate great friendships. Friendships help us become better versions of ourselves; they make us more successful, and generate happiness.

Let us support you in creating a life filled with more connection! You can book a free 15-minute phone consultation and start a journey towards healing and connection today!

Enjoying the Holidays In spite of your relationship Status

In an attempt to get away from the traditional “Surviving the Holidays” guide, I don’t want to talk about “surviving” something that is meant to be amazing, but instead I want to share ways to have a kick-ass holiday, in spite of your relationship status.

You may be sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table as a single, or with a partner that you’re barely holding on to, but in either case, you can have a rockin’ holiday, and I want to give you some tips to go about doing so.

It all starts with mindset. This is key to so much in our lives. The things we tell ourselves about what is to come, or what is, has the power to take over and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re stuck in loathing the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, and your mind is filled with thoughts of dodging questions about your relationship status, that’s likely what you will experience.

While I admit, sitting at a table filled with couples can remind you of your singleness, but being prepared beforehand, and focusing on your mindset can do wonders for your mood and how you interact with family and friends when they ask you yet again, if you’re ready to get back out there.

From the time of this publication until Turkey Day, you have 2 weeks and 2 days to get your mind right and prepared to have more than just a ho-hum holiday.

Start with gratitude. There are small moments in each day that we can be thankful for. This time of year gets people into posting things on social media about what they are thankful for daily. This is a great exercise, but if you aren’t into the whole social media thing, just do it for yourself. Get a little notebook and keep it by your bedside, or use the note app on your phone and jot down/type at least one thing you are thankful for each day.

Is there something that your relationship status has brought you that you can be thankful for? Looking for the silver lining in crappy situations can be powerful. Maybe you and your partner are going through a rough patch in your relationship, but it’s caused you to think more deeply about your relationship, and who you want to be as a partner. Introspection and growth are amazing things, and we sometimes need a difficult situation to kick us in the gut to help us realize it’s something we need. This is something to be thankful for, and something you can write down in your notes.

Check your limiting beliefs and that tape that plays on repeat in your head. What is it that you tell yourself about yourself? What do you tell yourself about your relationship? Are you constantly repeating over and over that you’re a horrible person for causing a break-up, or the difficult path you and your partner are on right now?

You might be saying these things to yourself and not even realize you’re doing it. Take some time out to listen to the messages you’re giving yourself, and what happens right before that, to evoke those messages.

Let me give you a personal example: I’m a person that has had a tendency to run a few minutes late to events and non-work stuff, and by a few I mean 5-15 depending on the day. It’s not something I’m proud of, but something I’m definitely working on. I noticed that I was typically showing up to wherever I needed to be, frazzled and unexcited. Getting out of the house can be a chore with a 1 year-old in tow.

When I sat down and really started thinking about my mindset and the things I was telling myself, I heard things like, “you’re never on time!” “OMG get your act together already!” “If you just would’ve gotten off the couch 10 minutes sooner, you wouldn’t be in such a rush!” and other expletives that I won’t share here. But it’s no wonder why, when I arrived to my destination that I didn’t have energy or excitement about whatever it was that I was about to do. I was spending the entire car ride mentally tearing myself apart.

After dissecting these thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I needed to change the tape that I was playing in my head when I am running late. Instead of negative thoughts, I’ve replaced them with loving affirmations. I say things like, “you are awesome,” “this event is going to be great,” and reminders about why I signed up for said event, and things that just evoke happiness. You can fill in your blank with anything positive that you see fit. But I can attest to the fact that positivity is powerful, and being kind to yourself has the ability to change a future event from something you drag your feet to, to something amazing.

As for that baby-shower I helped host over the weekend, I totally rocked it, and it was because of my mindset. I arrived with energy, eagerness to work the crowd, and I was ready to pour out all the love I had for my friend and her new baby.

I won’t pretend this is easy. Changing automatic thoughts can take weeks, months, and even years. Sometimes there are deeper-rooted issues that keep you stuck in those mindsets, but if you take the time to listen and figure out what those issues are, then you can begin working towards clearing them up.

Once you identify the negative things you’re telling yourself, it’s time to pick some new things you’d like to say instead. Write them down, and read them to yourself when you wake up, before you go to bed, and any other time you get a moment. This will help you to memorize them and recall them when you’re in that negative situation, and by the time you pull up to your parent’s house on Thanksgiving, you will be able to recite them and remind yourself of how awesome you are, and of the positive things you have to look forward to while sitting at the dinner table.

While you might not be able to change what’s happening with your partner in time for Thanksgiving, you can mentally prepare yourself for family asking about when they’ll be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet. Anticipating those types of questions that typically make you cringe, and identifying the messages you tell yourself as a result of those questions will make a world of difference.

If you know Aunt Agnes is going to ask you why you’re still not married, and you know that will in-turn cause you to over-eat, ever-drink, or over-indulge in self loathing for the remainder of the night, nip that pattern in the bud. Show up having done some work around this, and prepare a new plan of action, a new affirmation, and a new state of being so that question will just roll off your back, and you can change to subject and point out all of the fabulous things you’re doing with your life these days a result of being single.

Watching your newly married cousin and her husband play footsie under the table can have you wishing for better days with your spouse, but if you meet that head-on with a plan to focus on what the holiday is all about – a favorite dish, tradition, or a laugh you’re looking forward to having with your cousin who’s in from out of state, your mindset can help keep you thankful, and looking forward to the next family gathering. A relationship issue may be all consuming, but if you take a minute to step outside and look around, you will see that you are more than your relationship, and there truly are things to be thankful for if you just give them a chance.

If you want a little kick in the butt to get you motivated to change your mindset in preparation for the holiday season, you can click here to get my 14-Day Mindset Boost Calendar, where you’ll find a small exercise each day to help you clear the clutter, and get you prepared to truly enjoy your holiday.