Can Couples Therapy Make Things Worse?

I’ve heard a lot of strange reasons that couples don’t start the process of couples therapy. Seeing couples day in and day out often makes me forget about some of the myths that exist.

The couples I see are usually so ready to dig in and improve their relationships that sometimes I forget that people actually do believe some interesting things. 

One of the questions that I always ask couples is whether or not they have been in therapy before. I like to know what worked and what didn't work with their previous therapy so that I can make sure they get what they are looking for during our time together. 

Most recently, I asked a couple if they had been in therapy before and one partner piped up and said, “no we haven’t because she always told me that therapy would just make things worse and cause us to fight more.” 

I giggled a little. But then I asked, “what does fighting more mean to you?” 

It turns out this couple held the belief that having any conflict in marriage was a sign of an unhealthy marriage. This is not the first time I’ve heard this you can check out my other blog post on the topic here. Many people don’t understand that conflict gives us opportunities for learning, repair, understanding, growth, and creating a deeper connection. 

So when people ask, “can couples therapy make things worse?” The answer is: it’s possible. But read on to understand why: 

If you’re a couple who rarely argues and has a lot of passive-aggressive tendencies and patterns; then good couples therapy will help bring those issues out in a more direct manner, and it might feel like things are getting worse because there will be more overt conflict.  

If you’re a couple where one or both partners harbors a lot of resentment and rarely speaks openly to make requests; then good couples counseling will help bring things to the surface more directly and it very well could feel like things are getting worse because you may be so used to not having direct and open dialogue. 

If you’re a couple who had issues from one or both partner’s infidelity, and in order to continue the relationship agreed to just “move on” or “forgive and forget” what happened and rarely, if ever, talk about residual feelings stemming from those betrayals; then good couples therapy might bring those feelings to the surface and the relationship could seem worse because there will be a lot of things coming out that haven't been said. 

In all three of the above scenarios exist unhealthy patterns that typically lead to relationship dissatisfaction. So even without couples therapy there’s a high chance that those patterns could lead to divorce if left unchecked. 

When couples start therapy with us we like to paint a picture of what couples can expect and I typically have a conversation that goes something like this: 

In the beginning of couples therapy, the trajectory of relationship satisfaction tends to go up. The fact that you’re both committed to attending provides a sense of hope, and in the beginning most people find it easy to take direction. They dot their I’s and cross their T’s - they do the homework assigned by the therapist and they spend time focusing on important topics in session and learn to talk about things in a different way. 

This is mostly behavioral change. 

After a couple of months the couple will get into a fight. It is usually a fight about something they’ve been fighting about for a long time in the relationship, and at that point they will revert back to their old patterns. 

This fight can feel even worse than before they started therapy. 

The reason it feels worse is: people feel like because they are in therapy, they shouldn’t be doing things the old way, and they should “know better,” since they’ve been working hard learning new ways of behaving. 

The truth is: this is actually when the real work in couples therapy begins. 

This is when couples get to start to understand what is under their behavior. 

At this point in time a good couples therapist will help them look beneath the behavior at the various patterns that each partner brings to the table and they will begin to see how those patterns show up in different areas of their lives, including this relationship. 

Once each partner is able to identify the impact of the challenging or maladaptive patterns then they can begin to understand the patterns, understand themselves, and find ways to truly create lasting change in the relationship. 

I’m not going to lie to you - this part of the process can be really difficult and it’s when a lot of couples want to quit therapy. 

If you’re going from a relationship that rarely or never has conflict, to one that has open dialogue and direct communication then it can be quite eye-opening to make so many changes. 

But that doesn’t mean that it’s not for the better. 

Couples who come out on the other end have much higher levels of connection, intimacy, trust, and commitment. They have more passion and romance, and they have much deeper levels of friendship. 

When couples get out of their comfort zones, that is when good things begin to blossom. So yes, couples therapy can make things seemingly worse. But if you stick with it and push past those difficult times, it’s totally worth it! 

Making your Marriage Last by Building a Culture of Appreciation

Have you ever wondered why some couples just have what it takes to make their marriage last? You know those couples - the ones that always seem happy and connected, and it seems like they never fight. They’re the couples who have been together for years and years, and who always just seem to have that spark. 

Want to know their secrets? 

Well let me tell you, there are specific qualities that happy couples possess, but it’s not as complicated as you might think! 

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be sharing the secrets of lasting, satisfying relationships, and the specific things that these “Master Couples” implement regularly to keep their relationships from heading in the wrong direction. 

I’m also going to share some of the negative patterns that couples who are heading towards divorce tend to fall into so that you can avoid these destructive patterns and focus on counteracting them if they do exist in your marriage: 

One of the greatest predictors of divorce is a pattern of contempt in relationships. 

Contempt is an ugly pattern and I see it frequently in my office. It honestly makes my stomach hurt when it shows up. 

Contempt is typically the response to long simmering resentments. Couples who are contemptuous take every opportunity to make negative comments about their partners. They sneer, roll their eyes, use sarcasm, name-call, and mock or mimic their partner in a judgmental way. 

When I see couples showing up this way it’s difficult to imagine them ever even liking one another - but typically at some point they did. 

Usually early on in the relationship these patterns did not exist. 

Couples who avoid conflict have a tendency to get to this place because they hold on to their partner’s transgressions and rarely voice a need for change. They also wait too long to talk about issues and don’t have open dialogues about problems when they arise.  

The good news is that there are ways to counteract this negative pattern. One of the secrets to having a happy, healthy relationship is building a culture of appreciation in your marriage. Here are five ways to create a culture of appreciation in your marriage: 

1. Remember the 5:1 ratio. In order to counteract negativity and conflict in your relationship there should be a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative sentiments that are expressed. For every negative comment or interaction, there needs to be five positive expressions.

2. Express appreciation. Expressing appreciation goes a long way! Make it a habit to tell your partner how much you appreciate their help, their kindness, their affection, or anything else that they do that makes you smile.

3. Express gratitude. Make it a habit to regularly express gratitude. Say thank you for the little things, and say it often.

4. Show Respect. Maintain respect for your partner even when you disagree. Don't name-call, criticize, or put them down. Talk about your partner positively to others and in front of others.

5. Show affection. Regularly reach out to your partner to initiate affection. A hug, a hand hold, or a brush of the hair goes a long way. If affection does not come naturally to you, start by getting in the habit of showing affection when saying hello or good-bye and move on from there. 

If you feel like you’re in a contemptuous relationship, the best time to start couples therapy is ASAP! Past hurts and resentments should be discussed and processed in order to move forward and make room for building a culture of appreciation. 

What is Couples Counseling REALLY Like?

Why would I want to spend a bunch of money for someone to tell us what our problems are, or for you to just try and convince some stranger that I’m a terrible partner?? Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

Couples therapy can sometimes seem like a mysterious process, and if you've never experienced it before, you might be wondering what it's all about. Keep reading, because today I'm going to break it all down for you!

Therapy is kind of a mystery because #1, it's confidential - so most people don't talk about what actually goes on behind that closed door. #2, it's really different for everyone because no two people or couples are alike. 

In addition to those two factors, no two therapists are alike. I seriously dislike 99% of all therapists that you might see in movies or on TV. I mean, have you seen the therapist on YOU?? The media does a terrible job at depicting us.

If you are curious about what a good example of therapy looks like, I highly recommend the book, Maybe you should talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. She's a therapist who gives a behind the scenes look at a therapist’s world, and in the book, she also tells the story of her own therapy (because yes, therapists also go to therapy because we know the value.) But what I love about this book is her humor and candor! 

Anyhoo, I digress... 

All therapists are not created equal, and we all have different ways that we run our practices, and what we call, theoretical orientations - which is kind of like the lens in which we see and focus on things with our clients.

I personally specialize in working with couples, and have dedicated the last 10 years to learning and really honing my skills in this area. 

I'm trained in a couple of different orientations - but the one I use most in my work with couples is the Gottman Method, and I mention them a lot in my blogs. This method is backed by years of research and when couples are all-in, and are dedicated to doing the work in, and out of session, they see some awesome results!

So what is couples therapy actually like? Let me walk you through MY process, because remember, not all therapists work the same way, so I can only really speak to my own process: 

In the first session I ask very similar questions when I'm meeting a couple for the first time. I want to know what their goals are for counseling, and I ask what their relationship will look like 3-6 months from now if therapy is working for them - what changes do they want to see?

In the first session I also get a relationship history. I want to know how they met, and all of the significant milestones in the relationship like the dating period, engagement, marriage, moving in together, having kids, jobs, relocations, etc.

I also talk to the couple about what's brought them in to counseling and ask them to discuss what they have done in the past to try to remedy these issues. When we discuss their current issues, couples typically get into an argument and I allow it because I’m assessing their communication and the patterns they get into.

Couples usually have a sort of dance that they do, arguments typically start the same, the middle looks similar, and then they usually end the same. So in order for me to best help them, I need to understand what that pattern looks like.

At no point during this or any of my sessions with couples do I play referee.I think this is a really common misconception about couples therapy. The therapist isn't there to say who's right and who they think is wrong, and they aren't there to try to get your partner to see it your way. That would just be a big waste of everyone's time and energy because that doesn't produce lasting change.

After that first session I send my couples the Relationship Checkup- it's an extensive background questionnaire that measures various aspects of the relationship like communication and connection patterns. They complete this assessment at home and then they each come in for an individual session with me.

In the individual sessions I talk with clients about their personal histories and backgrounds because this plays a huge role in the way each person relates and interacts in the relationship.

After that I have them come back as a couple. In that couples session I compile all of the info that l've gathered from the conversations I’ve had with them and all of the results from their Relationship Checkup, and I discuss a plan with them. We talk about what a really strong and healthy relationship looks like, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and what its going to take to get them where they want to be. 

And then we dive in from there.

This roadmap looks different for every couple based on their specific needs and issues.

But as an example, if a couple is really struggling with having a lot of conflict, the work is going to be about ways they can manage their conflict more appropriately. This happens over the course of many sessions with them bringing up conflicts they are having at home. 

Sometimes they will describe the issue and get back into it on my couch and I will help them slow down and understand various patterns they are falling into. I give them the tools to try and work on the issues in and out of sessions. 

So that, in a very large nutshell is what couples therapy looks like. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to reach out!

10 Things you should Stop Doing in 2020 To improve your relationship

Happy New Year! I honestly can’t believe it’s the start of a new decade!

There’s just something about the new year that can get you in the mood to make changes and create goals for yourself - big or small. 

If you aren’t in the mood to make some lofty goals or big changes, I totally feel that too. I skipped my vision board last year and just went with a word that I wanted to feel. So my advice is really just to do what suits you best. 

It’s easy to create goals for yourself but have you made any goals for your relationship for the coming year? 

I know this type of resolution is less common, however I thought that in order to get those brain juices flowing I’d send you a list of things you should STOP doing in 2020 in order to improve your relationship. Here we go:

10. Stop putting social media first. I get that it’s a great way to connect, and I love watching hilarious videos and catching up on my IG feed as much as anyone, but when your partner feels like they aren’t as attractive to you as your FB feed, there’s an issue. Make an agreement with your partner for some screen-free time each day and hold one another accountable for it. 

9. Stop giving the silent treatment. When you get into a conflict or your partner pisses you off it’s ok to ask for a time-out. A time-out is time to think, time to calm down, time to self-soothe so you don’t blurt out terrible names, and all of the things you hate about your partner in addition to this presenting issue. Giving the silent treatment is so much different. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and when you engage in this behavior you are actually building a wall between you and your partner that can be incredibly damaging to the relationship. 

8. Stop criticizing your partner. Making comments about your partner’s character and personality are also damaging and typically the sign of either self-judgement, or a deeper rooted issue. If you find yourself being critical of your partner stop and reflect - ask yourself, what is really bothering me here? And then adjust accordingly. Ask for what you want and need and make your requests clear. 

7. Stop becoming defensive when you and your partner get into conflict. When you’re busy thinking about a come-back, or all of the reasons your partner is wrong for bringing up a topic that leads to conflict you can’t listen. The argument is also going to last so much longer than if you just stop and take responsibility. Apologize when necessary and ask for clarification if needed. 

6. Stop shying away from deep conversations with your partner. The foundation of a really healthy relationship is knowing your partner’s inner world. Knowing their stresses, their dreams, and their goals. You can’t know these things about your partner if you keep your communication logistical and surface level. In order to have more depth in your conversations you need to create time and space for such discussions. Check in and use open-ended questions daily. 

5. Stop asking your partner to read your mind. This might be one of the most common things I see in my practice. The old, “she should know that this is what I need,” or “we’ve been together for x amount of years, he should already know me!” The truth is that as humans we are continually growing and changing and what you wanted last week might not be the same as today, so stop expecting your partner to know that. Instead, be clear, and articulate what you need. 

4. Stop putting off dates with your partner. I get that you have work, family, and childcare obligations that can keep you from actually scheduling that date, but I want to challenge you to think outside the box! Do you have friends with kids that could also love a date? If so, arrange to swap babysitting duties once a month so that you’re both able to spend time out alone. Dates don’t have to take place at night - can you do a Saturday or Sunday morning coffee, and afternoon hike, or a lunch in the middle of the workweek when your kids are in school? Stop with the excuses a find a way to make it happen!

3. Stop putting your work and your kids above your relationship. So many couples put their kids before their relationship. I get it, I have three of my own, and damn are they needy! But when couples come to see me for counseling they often tell me that they desperately want to keep their family together. But guess what? There is no family without the couple. So if you insist on putting your children or your career first, your relationship is going to suffer. Spend at least as much time, energy, and money on your relationship as you do on the kids and your work this year. 

2. Stop doing more of the same. Tension builds, and then there’s a blow-out fight. Promises are made, and couples agree to try harder, or stop doing something that perpetuates the arguments. Things might change for a little while, but eventually, things go right back, and another blow-out happens. Stop it. If you want lasting change then you need to do something different. Which brings me to the #1 thing you should stop doing: 

1. Stop putting off couples therapy! If you want different and lasting results, you need to do something you haven’t done already. Your relationship can be transformed and you could have a fulfilling and incredibly happy relationship-but not if you insist on doing more of the same. Stop putting it off, stop settling for less, I promise couples therapy isn’t that scary! What’s more scary is being unhappy for weeks, months, and in most cases, years!   

Is marriage counseling your last resort? 3 reasons it should be your first defense

“If this doesn’t work, then our next option is probably divorce.”

I hear this time and time again when new couples come into my office to work on their relationships. While I am trained in Discernment Counseling, I am still surprised at the number of people who use therapy as a last resort.

One of the questions I ask these couples is, “what have you done either individually or as a couple to work on some of the issues so that it didn’t get to this point?”

The answers are typically: more of the same, talk about not fighting, read a book, or made some behavioral changes that lasted a few months before old patterns started to return.

The average couple waits 6 years before starting marriage counseling. That’s 6 years of unhappiness. 6 years!? That’s like earning a Bachelor’s and Master's degree in unhappiness! I just can’t fathom being unhappy for that long and those are not degrees I want to earn.

Waiting that long and doing some of the aforementioned things to try and work on the issues is like receiving a cancer diagnosis, being told by the doctor that the remedy is chemo and/or radiation, but deciding to take vitamins to try and see if that helps for a couples of years before bringing out the big guns and doing the prescribed treatment.

You’d likely resort to chemo much sooner than later and this is how you should also view couples therapy.

Couples Therapy should be your first line of defense because:

The problems can be resolved much quicker.

When you choose the wait-and-see method and things don’t get resolved, people start to build resentment, and resentment is like poison for a relationship. It festers and causes a deep wedge between partners that takes much longer to resolve when couples wait to start therapy.

Couples are more likely to experience lasting change.

When couples come in sooner they learn to solve their problems, and learn to communicate in ways they haven’t before. When couples enter couples therapy sooner they are able to gain tools that they can pull from their toolbox for years to come which leads to lasting relationship satisfaction.

The length of therapy tends to be shorter, and thus less expensive in the long-run.

When couples come to therapy sooner there’s less “undoing” of negative patterns in most cases, and that leads to a shorter course of treatment.

On average I tell couples they should plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months, however, when couples come in for premarital counseling I generally see them for less than 6 months. Learning and implementing new skills takes much less time than undoing the damage that’s been caused by years of negative feelings and arguments in addition to learning new skills.

If you’ve been waiting for the right time to jump into marriage counseling with your partner, the time is now! Feel free to reach out and schedule a free phone consultation and get back on track - the sooner the better.