Valentine’s Day Gift Guide From your Couples Therapist

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day? I love asking all my couples this question as the day approaches. I love hearing creative things people come up with, but it makes me sad when I hear them say they aren’t doing anything, “because it’s just another day.” 

Yes, it is just another day, but it’s also an extra opportunity to connect with your partner! Showing love to your spouse doesn’t have to cost a ton of money, and it doesn't have to be cheesy. 

I want to help you pick out the perfect gift for your sweetheart. But first, let’s do a little prep work. If you haven’t done so already, take the 5 Love Languages Quiz here, and ask your partner to take it as well.   

If you don’t know about the 5 love languages, I’ll give you the quick, Cliff’s Notes version: We all have ways that we perceive that we are being loved, and ways we show others that we love them. Those two things are not always the same. When we figure out how we like to be loved and how our partner likes to be loved, we can do things to truly make them feel loved in ways they can feel and hear. 

Once you’ve taken the quiz and you understand what your partner’s love language is, you can start speaking it.  According to Gary Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages, there are 5 ways we show love: 

1. Acts of Service: If this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner goes out of their way for you with an act. Some examples are: making you a cup of coffee in the morning, ironing your clothes, or making you a meal. 

2. Gifts: if this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner provides a token that reminds you they are thinking of you. Some examples are: they pick up your favorite candy when they checkout at the grocery store, they randomly purchase an item from your Amazon shopping cart, or bring you a magnet for your collection when they go out of town for a business trip. 

3. Quality Time: if this is your love language, you perceive you are being loved when your partner makes uninterrupted time to spend with you. Some examples are: they put the kids to bed or help with those duties to create an evening for the two of you to watch a show you love together, or they plan a weekend getaway or staycation for just the two of you. 

4. Words of Affirmation: if this is your love language you perceive that you are being loved when your partner tells you the words you love to hear. Some examples are: they tell you how amazing you look in your new outfit, or make it a point to tell your friends what an amazing job you did at your work presentation, or they say thank you for all you do around the house regularly. 

5. Physical Touch: if this is your love language, you perceive love from your partner when  they are physically affectionate with you. This doesn't just include sex! Things like hand holding, hair stroking, and cuddles on the couch are important to you if this is your love language. 

In the above examples I was providing information for you - the reader. But in order to select the perfect gift you’re going to want to know what your partner’s love language is. Speaking their love language is about providing what they need in order for them to feel loved. 

So, If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service, think about providing a service to him or her that they’d appreciate. Book a car detailer to come out on Valentine’s Day to have their car completely cleaned and taken care of, or do it yourself. Schedule a housekeeper or professional organizer to come out and get your home spic and span. 

You could also do a dinner at home where you prepare a special meal while your partner relaxes on the couch - if this is your gift of choice be sure to clean up the kitchen and make it look as if this never happened once you’re finished. 

If your partner’s love language is Gifts, this might seem like an easy one. But put some thought into it - have they mentioned having their eye on a specific purse or clothing item? Can you check into their Amazon account and purchase items from their wishlist or that have been left in their online shopping cart? Bring home their favorite flowers and candy, or frame their favorite photo and wrap it up for them. 

If your partner’s love language is Quality Time, set up a babysitter for an evening and order in. Instead of turning on the TV, play their favorite music in the background and try some conversation cards like these . Or download the Gottman Card Deck app and take turns asking and answering questions together. 

You can also sign up for my upcoming workshop, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, so that you ensure you’ll be spending 6 weeks of quality time with your partner learning how to have a stronger connection. 

If your partner’s love language is Words of Affirmation, create a list of things that you love about your partner and deliver a note including one item each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. You can use post-its on the bathroom mirror, or create a giant heart out of them and present them all together on V-Day. 

Another option is to have a love song made for your partner that is exclusively about your relationship through songfinch.com or a similar site. You can also frame your wedding vows if you created personal ones, or take this opportunity to create new vows and frame them or write them as a poem. 

And finally, if your partner’s love language is Physical Touch, check out this tutorial on how to give a great upper body massage. Pick up some massage oils, and set the mood to provide a great stress relief for your partner. 

Another idea is to book a dance class for the two of you to learn a fun new dance like salsa, or bachata where you can be close to one another while trying something new. 

I hope these ideas are helpful! I do not receive any commission on any of the links provided, I just want to help all my couples have a wonderful Valentines Day! 

Reply to this email and let me know if you decide to gift anything from the list, I’d love to hear from you! 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

3 Reasons you SHOULD be Fighting

“But we never fight…”

When a couple I’m working with tells me this I am worried. 

More worried than when a couple tells me they fight constantly. 

Why? Because fighting is inevitable. Two people who come from two totally different backgrounds, upbringings, with different views and opinions are bound to disagree. It’s the nature of relationships, and having conflict is actually healthy. 

I am a very solution-focused therapist and that means that from the moment a couple walks in to see me, I want to know what needs to happen in order for them to feel better, and for them to say therapy is working for them. 

This usually means they’ll be having less explosive conflict, they’ll be feeling more connected, and as though they are able to manage their conflict better - not eliminate it. 

The measure is never, “we will stop fighting.” When you stop fighting that means there are things that aren’t being said. It means one or both of you is people pleasing, avoiding conflict, being passive aggressive, or harboring resentment. 

According to The Gottman Institute, 69% of all conflict is perpetual. Meaning there is no resolution to 69% of the arguments you will have with your partner. Meaning you’re going to fight about it until death do you part. No matter what type of couple you are. Even the “Master Couples”- the couples with the highest levels of satisfaction and connection, experience perpetual conflict at this same rate. 

So why should you be fighting? Let’s get into it shall we:

Reason #1 that you SHOULD be engaging in conflict with your partner is that conflict allows great opportunities for growth and intimacy. 

The goal isn’t to win or to get your partner to see things your way. The goal of a conflict is to reach a resolution. When you are able to fight with mutual respect and maintain the admiration you have for one another, conflict allows you to have open dialogue. It allows you to share you views and thoughts openly. 

Sharing openly requires some level of vulnerability, and vulnerability breads intimacy and closeness. 

Reason #2 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is that conflict provides an opportunity for you to learn more about your partner. 

This is one of my favorite things to witness as a therapist. When a couple is sitting across from me and they are going at it in conflict, I help them to peel back the layers and get in deep. Partners are often surprised at what they learn when they see their spouse like this. 

A fight about whether to leave the tv on or off as you fall asleep can turn into you hearing a story about how your partner was lonely at night while growing up because his mom worked nights and he used the tv to help calm him. 

Initially it may seem like a nuisance, and like he or she just isn’t respecting your sleep. But getting into a conflict and having open dialogue helps peel back the layers, and you or your partner may reveal something that the other had no idea about. 

Reason #3 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is conflict allows you to renew your commitment to the relationship. 

I think we all take our vow “for better or for worse,” hoping that the “worse” part never actually happens, maybe thinking we aren’t like everyone else, and we won’t even really need that part. 

But a lifetime is long, and conflict is inevitable. When it does arise and you meet it with mutual respect and gain understanding, looking back and being able to appreciate the ability to navigate that challenge alongside your partner helps to renew your commitment for one another. 

So while it might not feel like it, right smack, in the middle of your conflict, you can find appreciation for yourselves. The thought that in spite of you both being imperfect, you are still together, and continue to choose to be, is an amazing feeling. 

If you’re having trouble navigating arguments with your partner, and can’t seem to stop having the same arguments over and over, this could be a sign of gridlock which can be challenging to get out of. Or maybe you’re not arguing at all, and realizing it’s not as healthy as you once thought - either way, we are here to help. Feel free to reach out! 

How to love your wife the way you love your sports team, and the benefits you'll reap

There's nothing like the sound of whistles blowing, quarterbacks hut-hut-hiking, and helmet hitting helmet. Football season in the U.S. is upon us. 

What also accompanies these sounds are the sounds of screaming, yelling of obscenities, pacing, celebratory dancing, and the occasional throwing of the tv remote - and I know that's not just a Monday night in my house! 

And while I'd like to throw out a few clinical diagnoses to justify my annoyance with my husband's overly enthusiastic choice of words, I refrain and remind myself it will only last until February.... Only. Six. More. Months... 

I know there are some ladies out there who are just as passionate about their sports teams, and who can spiritedly object to a bad call with the best of them, so this can apply to you as well:

What if you loved your partner with as much passion as you love your sports team? I want to give you a few tips on how to make that happen. 

Make date night plans the way you make game-day plans.

When there’s an important game coming up you make sure your schedule is clear, call your buddies and discuss the line-up, where you’ll be watching, and whose turn it is to bring the beer.

Date night should look similar. Talk to your partner, make sure you’re on the same page, schedules are clear, and take the initiative to plan with enthusiasm. Make a dinner reservation and arrange for childcare if necessary.

Approach your date night the way you approach game time. 

When it's game time, nothing stands in your way of making it home in time for kick-off. You make sure to have your choice beverage and snack in hand before that ball is kicked.  

Maybe in an emergency situation you aren't able to make it home on time, but you're listening to AM radio all the way home, and catching up on what you missed on Sports Center after the game. 

Date night should look similar.  Treat it as though it’s something that absolutely can’t be missed, something you treasure, and something you look forward to all week.

On the rare occasion that you're running late because you get stuck at work, call and talk to your sweet heart all the way to the restaurant, because that conversation is just too precious to miss out on. 

Belong to your relationship the way you belong to your sports team.

When your team is struggling, and the refs are making all the wrong calls, you enthusiastically jump in and stick up for your team, because after all, WE have worked hard all season, and WE aren’t putting up with this!  

When your partner is struggling to keep up with the demands of work, home, family, and everything else life is throwing at the moment, it’s time to step it up, and jump in the way you do for your team.

There doesn’t have to be as many 4-letter words involved, but volunteering with gusto to walk the dog or make the call back to your kid’s teacher will go a long way.

Have you heard the saying, “foreplay starts outside of the bedroom?” Trust me on this one, guys!

Translate that passion into your relationship language.

Even when it’s not game day, you're checking stats, catching up on the status of injured players, and watching highlights from games you missed.  

You talk football at the water cooler and proudly clothe yourself in your team’s colors at the weekend BBQ.

Now I’m not asking you to wear an “I love my wife” t-shirt with her picture on it to the next company picnic, but checking in on your wife’s stats the way you would your team’s will score you some major bonus points.  

Asking about how she’s feeling about her annoying coworker, or the latest episode of Scandal just shows that you care about her world, and she’s a priority in your life. And while you may not love shows with strong female leads, it really isn’t about the show, it’s about showing up and showing you appreciate her inner thoughts.

Translating that passion you show for your team into the words you use with your partner can be totally flattering and surprising if it isn’t something she’s used to.

“I freakin love you!” is a little different than the usual “love ya babe,” so at the risk of being vulnerable, just go for it, because she knows you have more than a passionate bone in your body – she’s witness to your Monday, Thursday, and/or Sunday salutes to your team, so get creative and let the passion show!

Who are you rooting for this season? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below, and want to know what you’re gonna do this season to show up in your relationship.