4 Actual issues disguised as, “Trouble Communicating”

Since I started my therapy practice over a decade ago I’ve taken thousands of calls from people over the phone looking for therapy. The first thing I ask is, “tell me a little bit about what you are looking for help with.” And inevitably within the first minute everyone I have ever talked to about their relationship in one form or another tells me they need help with their communication. 

However, in 90% of the cases I have seen, communication is not the biggest problem. There are so many issues that are masked and placed under the category of “communication.”

Simply put, communication is the imparting or exchanging of information or news. Most couples don’t actually have an issue exchanging words, information, or news with one another.

They actually have problems listening, empathizing, talking about their feelings in a constructive way, and dealing with their own triggers which cause them to become flooded, shut down, and unable to focus on their partner’s requests and communication.

Listening

There is an actual art to listening. It doesn’t always come naturally to us and most people listen to the first part of what their partner says, then they think they have the gist of what was said, and they begin formulating their response while the other person continues to speak. While they are formulating their response they tend to stop listening or cut their partner off before they are finished speaking.  

At this point the conflict or discussion can become derailed and the focus is shifted onto the fact that the person speaking was interrupted, feeling like they are being dismissed, or there may be a blow up if this is something that happens continually in the relationship. 

Instead of formulating your response while your partner is speaking, work on building your empathic response. 

Empathizing 

You do not have to agree with your partner’s feelings or thoughts to be an empathic listener! (Trust me on this one - I literally empathize for a living, and I do not always agree with what my clients are saying.) Empathic listening is the best way to convey to your partner that you hear and understand what they are saying. 

Here’s an example: 

Partner 1: “Today was so terrible! My boss has been such a jerk lately and she called me in to discuss everything that was wrong with the project I have been working on and now it’s going to put me back 2 days to make all of the changes to things she already approved last week!”  

Partner 2: “Babe that sounds rough, I’m sorry you had a bad day. I could see how that would be so stressful for you to make those changes in such a short period of time.”

Notice Partner 2 did not say anything about how to fix the issue, make any criticisms about Partner 1’s approach, or tell them they shouldn’t be stressed. Your partner may wish for your feedback or advice, and in those cases they will ask. You can also practice asking, “do you need advice, or do you need me to just listen?” 

Talking about feelings

Talking about your feelings in a way that your partner can hear is one of the best skills you can learn to improve your relationship. Couples will tell me they’ve discussed how something their partner did or said made them feel, but when I actually sit and break down their conflict with them it turns out they haven’t actually done so and are counting on their partner to read their mind or “just know” based on their reaction. 

What not to say: 

“I do everything around here! I’m running around all day, getting the kids here and there, trying to get everything done at work, and I’m so tired! I don’t get any support from you!” 

It might seem like the partner expressing this has conveyed how they are feeling, however this statement is void of any important emotional dialogue necessary for their partner to hear. Instead, “I don’t get support from you!” is a criticism. This statement is used to convey blame, not to convey how the person is actually feeling. When someone feels criticized or blamed their natural response is to become defensive. 

If this person would like help from their partner, they aren't actually asking for it, nor are they letting their partner know what it feels like when they don’t provide assistance. 

What to say: 

Instead saying something like, “Babe I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed lately, I have deadlines at work, and running the kids back and forth has felt so exhausting. Can you help me by taking the kids to school tomorrow and picking them up from daycare on Thursday?” 

If the pattern continues or the partner is unable to offer assistance, coming back and saying, “I’ve asked you for help, and I get that you can’t pick the kids up Thursday, but I feel so hurt and alone when I don’t have your support. Can you help me come up with any other solutions?” 

Focusing on the feelings of hurt and loneliness is important, and it gives your partner an opportunity to respond to your emotions with much less to become defensive about because you’re not attacking, criticizing, or blaming. 

Recognizing triggers

Recognizing your triggers can be one of the most difficult things to do on your own. That is why therapy is so helpful. It’s like sitting in your living room and your therapist can ask you to pick up the rug a little and see what is under there, or behind the couch where you might not have looked in a while. 

Many times couples have perpetual problems that just keep resurfacing and turning into blow-ups. Remembering the saying, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical,” can be helpful - meaning, if you are having a really big emotional reaction to something, it’s probably a trigger from your past that is resurfacing. 

When you are not in the heat of the moment and can take time to think about the reaction, ask yourself, where have I felt this feeling before?

Many times couples aren’t just responding to one another when they are arguing, but they are having an automatic response that is related to a previous trauma. 

Having a big reaction to a spouse who appears nit-picky can bring up old wounds that come from having a highly critical parent while growing up. Feeling the need to control your partner’s actions may actually be coming from living with an alcoholic parent where life was very unpredictable. You can read more about how trauma can impact your relationship here. 

Once you are able to recognize where your triggers come from, working through them in your own personal therapy or in couples therapy will immensely benefit your relationship.