12 Ways to Affair-proof your Marriage

In the craziness of your daily lives, it's common for couples to forget to give their marriage some TLC. You know, life gets busy, and we get caught up in the whirlwind. 

But here's the deal – taking care of your relationship is a big deal!

In my practice, I help couples recover from affairs and other trust violations. Part of the process is understanding how they got to the place where an affair was a possibility.

 I want to share the nitty-gritty stuff you can do to keep your marriage strong. We're talking about building a fortress against potential relationship hiccups and the devastation of infidelity. So here are 12 things you can do to affair-proof your marriage: 

 1. Make Your Marriage the #1 Priority:

Start by acknowledging that your marriage should be your top priority. Open a sincere conversation with your spouse. Discuss what you both can do to keep your relationship at the forefront of your lives.

 2. Nourish Your Relationship:

In the chaos of daily life, it's easy to let your spouse take a backseat. Take the initiative to ask your partner, "What do I need to do to help you feel that our marriage is our top priority?" Listen attentively and take action.

 3. Spend Quality Time Together:

Quality time is the glue that holds a marriage together. Regularly invest in activities that strengthen your connection. Build friendship and lay the foundation for intimacy and lasting love.

 4. Choose Your Battles Wisely:

Instead of constantly correcting or criticizing your spouse, focus on the positives. Acknowledge their efforts and strengths rather than fixating on perceived flaws. Remember, encouragement goes a long way.

 5. Give Each Other Breaks:

Grant your partner the space they need. It's essential to have time for individual pursuits and personal growth. It's also important to maintain a strong connection as a couple.

 6. Talk About What's in Your Heart:

Open and honest communication is the bedrock of any successful marriage. Share your thoughts, fears, and dreams with your spouse. Encourage them to do the same, fostering a deeper understanding and connection.

 7. Focus on the Positive:

Cultivate an environment of positivity in your marriage. Celebrate each other's successes, no matter how small. Express gratitude for the positive aspects of your relationship.

 8. Keep Sex and Passion Alive:

Intimacy is a vital component of a thriving marriage. Make a conscious effort to keep the spark alive. Do this by showing regular affection. Communicate often. Be open to exploring each other's desires.

 9. Make Yourself Happy:

Your individual happiness contributes to the well-being of your marriage. Pursue activities that bring you joy, and encourage your spouse to do the same. A happy individual is more likely to contribute positively to the relationship.

 10. Hang Out with Marriage-Friendly People:

Surround yourselves with couples who share similar values and commitment to their relationships. Positive influences can inspire and support your own journey.

 11. Commit to Lifelong Learning:

Marriage is an ever-evolving journey. Embrace the opportunity for personal and relational growth. Commit to learning from each other and adapting to the changes that life brings.

 12. Don't Forget to Date Each Other:

Keep the romance alive by continuing to date each other. Plan regular date nights to create shared memories. This will reinforce the romantic aspects of your relationship.

 If you read through this list and were able to identify 3 or more areas that you'd like to improve, we want to help! Click the link below to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation and get your relationship back on track with the right support. 

Avoiding Conflict in Marriage

Are you avoiding conflict in your marriage? 

The other day, my 6-year-old daughter asked me to do a craft with her. I had a whole list of to-dos that I wanted to get done that day, and I knew if I didn’t get started early, I’d never complete all the things on my list.

She begged and pleaded with me, and I gave in. We made an origami sword that she ended up being obsessed with. She said it made her feel so powerful.

I wish I could say it was a great activity and that it was totally worth pushing off my to-do list for.

But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

She asked me to do a craft WITH her, but I ended up doing it FOR her. She did some cutting and project management, but it was an involved process that included many folds, multiple papers, and a glue gun. It was not something she could have completed on her own.

I begrudgingly folded and glued, and even though she came with excitement and encouragement, I was resentful.

I felt the annoyance radiating through my body, and it didn’t allow me to show up with an open heart. I was short and uninterested. It wasn’t what she deserved. It wasn’t even her fault. It was mine.

I had said yes when I meant no. The entire project took maybe 30 minutes, but the entire time I was distracted thinking about what I needed to get done before we headed out on our camping trip the next day. I was grumpy and didn’t appreciate her enthusiasm and sweetness.

When it was finished, I totally regretted my withdrawn attitude.

That’s not how I want to show up in my relationship with her.

That’s not how any of us should show up in our relationships, but it’s how I see so many couples show up towards one another. When we say yes when we really mean no, it sets us up to feel resentment, and when we feel resentment, it impacts our mood and the way we approach the other person.

I was withdrawn with my daughter and unappreciative of her excitement.

How many times have you begrudgingly attended an event with your partner and looked for any reason not to have a good time? You might drag your feet and show up late or nitpick the food and criticize the company or even your partner. When we say yes when we mean no, it opens us up to act passive-aggressively, and that actually causes more issues in the long run.

So why do we do it?

Most people do it to avoid conflict.

They also do it to avoid disappointing their partner, and sometimes people do it because they are paying amends for something unrelated that’s happened in the relationship. If you feel like you have to go along with whatever your partner wants to do because you made a mistake in the past, then there’s really no amount of good deeds you can do to fix the situation.

You aren’t showing up authentically, and you’re doing a disservice to your partner and to the relationship. It’s usually a sign that you’re not addressing the issue by having open dialogue and saying all that needs to be said to move towards healing. Healing can come from doing your own inner work or working together as a couple.

If you’re ready to start 2024 with a fresh start and get everything out on the table, we’re here. Click the link below and sign up for a free 15-minute phone consultation with a therapist in Temecula, Rancho Cucamonga, online anywhere in California, or explore California couples retreats and intensives. Let's talk about the best way to help you reach your goals and strengthen your relationship.