The #1 way to find healing after Heartbreak

Let’s just be frank, the healing process after the loss of a relationship really sucks. Even if you haven’t lost your relationship, and are just in the midst of a rocky road with your partner, there is one thing that you can do to help yourself heal, and it can’t be found in the arms of another, or at the bottom of a beer bottle. Although those things might sound appealing while you’re hurting, they tend to cause more harm than good.

The best thing that women can do for themselves in order to heal is to reconnect with their strengths. What I mean by that is, many times in relationships there are parts of us that become lost, or overshadowed, but those parts are important, and they make us who we are. They contributed to who we were before we entered into the relationship, and yet those parts often get neglected.

In order to reconnect with those strengths, reflection and introspection have to be involved. I’m a huge proponent of journaling, I recommend it to almost all of my clients who are struggling through life’s challenges. So women who are trying to heal can start journaling and thinking about the parts of themselves that they’ve neglected that once brought them a sense of happiness and strength.

Were you once an athlete, or involved in some sport that you no longer do? Is there a creative side to you that you don’t feed because you’ve become too busy? Are you great with money? Are you a great parent? Are you a great friend?

I help my clients look at those strengths and get back to them so they can start to feel like themselves again, but also more importantly so that they can begin to realize that although this relationship that they’ve lost or that is in a very rocky state – while it’s extremely important to them, it isn’t all that makes up their life.

Sometimes women can place far too much emphasis on their romantic relationship and allow it to govern all other aspects of their life rather than having a full life and allowing a relationship to fit in the picture as well.

A lot of the work that I do with the women in my therapy practice is helping them to find their strengths, and accentuating them, or building new strengths.

Another important piece in the healing process is making peace with what’s occurred by taking some responsibility for the contribution to the relationship issues, the infidelity, and the end of the relationship; owning up to your own shortcomings as a partner. It doesn’t always mean forgiveness, but it means coming to an understanding about what transpired, and moving forward after accepting that.

Do you know what your strengths are? If not, it might be time to reflect on them. Ask your close friends and family what they see as your strengths, or even what they saw that used to be your strengths, because maybe they’ve noticed you’ve lost them along the way as well. It can be difficult put yourself out there in such a way, but a close confidant will likely be truthful if you approach them in the right way.

Find your strengths, reconnect with the old ones, feed them, and you will find healing. If you could use some help finding the person you may have lost while caught in a tumultuous relationship, I’d love to help. You can contact me at (909) 226-6124 and I’ll be happy to discuss ways we can work together to help you reconnect with your amazing strengths. 

Enjoying the Holidays In spite of your relationship Status

In an attempt to get away from the traditional “Surviving the Holidays” guide, I don’t want to talk about “surviving” something that is meant to be amazing, but instead I want to share ways to have a kick-ass holiday, in spite of your relationship status.

You may be sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table as a single, or with a partner that you’re barely holding on to, but in either case, you can have a rockin’ holiday, and I want to give you some tips to go about doing so.

It all starts with mindset. This is key to so much in our lives. The things we tell ourselves about what is to come, or what is, has the power to take over and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re stuck in loathing the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, and your mind is filled with thoughts of dodging questions about your relationship status, that’s likely what you will experience.

While I admit, sitting at a table filled with couples can remind you of your singleness, but being prepared beforehand, and focusing on your mindset can do wonders for your mood and how you interact with family and friends when they ask you yet again, if you’re ready to get back out there.

From the time of this publication until Turkey Day, you have 2 weeks and 2 days to get your mind right and prepared to have more than just a ho-hum holiday.

Start with gratitude. There are small moments in each day that we can be thankful for. This time of year gets people into posting things on social media about what they are thankful for daily. This is a great exercise, but if you aren’t into the whole social media thing, just do it for yourself. Get a little notebook and keep it by your bedside, or use the note app on your phone and jot down/type at least one thing you are thankful for each day.

Is there something that your relationship status has brought you that you can be thankful for? Looking for the silver lining in crappy situations can be powerful. Maybe you and your partner are going through a rough patch in your relationship, but it’s caused you to think more deeply about your relationship, and who you want to be as a partner. Introspection and growth are amazing things, and we sometimes need a difficult situation to kick us in the gut to help us realize it’s something we need. This is something to be thankful for, and something you can write down in your notes.

Check your limiting beliefs and that tape that plays on repeat in your head. What is it that you tell yourself about yourself? What do you tell yourself about your relationship? Are you constantly repeating over and over that you’re a horrible person for causing a break-up, or the difficult path you and your partner are on right now?

You might be saying these things to yourself and not even realize you’re doing it. Take some time out to listen to the messages you’re giving yourself, and what happens right before that, to evoke those messages.

Let me give you a personal example: I’m a person that has had a tendency to run a few minutes late to events and non-work stuff, and by a few I mean 5-15 depending on the day. It’s not something I’m proud of, but something I’m definitely working on. I noticed that I was typically showing up to wherever I needed to be, frazzled and unexcited. Getting out of the house can be a chore with a 1 year-old in tow.

When I sat down and really started thinking about my mindset and the things I was telling myself, I heard things like, “you’re never on time!” “OMG get your act together already!” “If you just would’ve gotten off the couch 10 minutes sooner, you wouldn’t be in such a rush!” and other expletives that I won’t share here. But it’s no wonder why, when I arrived to my destination that I didn’t have energy or excitement about whatever it was that I was about to do. I was spending the entire car ride mentally tearing myself apart.

After dissecting these thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I needed to change the tape that I was playing in my head when I am running late. Instead of negative thoughts, I’ve replaced them with loving affirmations. I say things like, “you are awesome,” “this event is going to be great,” and reminders about why I signed up for said event, and things that just evoke happiness. You can fill in your blank with anything positive that you see fit. But I can attest to the fact that positivity is powerful, and being kind to yourself has the ability to change a future event from something you drag your feet to, to something amazing.

As for that baby-shower I helped host over the weekend, I totally rocked it, and it was because of my mindset. I arrived with energy, eagerness to work the crowd, and I was ready to pour out all the love I had for my friend and her new baby.

I won’t pretend this is easy. Changing automatic thoughts can take weeks, months, and even years. Sometimes there are deeper-rooted issues that keep you stuck in those mindsets, but if you take the time to listen and figure out what those issues are, then you can begin working towards clearing them up.

Once you identify the negative things you’re telling yourself, it’s time to pick some new things you’d like to say instead. Write them down, and read them to yourself when you wake up, before you go to bed, and any other time you get a moment. This will help you to memorize them and recall them when you’re in that negative situation, and by the time you pull up to your parent’s house on Thanksgiving, you will be able to recite them and remind yourself of how awesome you are, and of the positive things you have to look forward to while sitting at the dinner table.

While you might not be able to change what’s happening with your partner in time for Thanksgiving, you can mentally prepare yourself for family asking about when they’ll be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet. Anticipating those types of questions that typically make you cringe, and identifying the messages you tell yourself as a result of those questions will make a world of difference.

If you know Aunt Agnes is going to ask you why you’re still not married, and you know that will in-turn cause you to over-eat, ever-drink, or over-indulge in self loathing for the remainder of the night, nip that pattern in the bud. Show up having done some work around this, and prepare a new plan of action, a new affirmation, and a new state of being so that question will just roll off your back, and you can change to subject and point out all of the fabulous things you’re doing with your life these days a result of being single.

Watching your newly married cousin and her husband play footsie under the table can have you wishing for better days with your spouse, but if you meet that head-on with a plan to focus on what the holiday is all about – a favorite dish, tradition, or a laugh you’re looking forward to having with your cousin who’s in from out of state, your mindset can help keep you thankful, and looking forward to the next family gathering. A relationship issue may be all consuming, but if you take a minute to step outside and look around, you will see that you are more than your relationship, and there truly are things to be thankful for if you just give them a chance.

If you want a little kick in the butt to get you motivated to change your mindset in preparation for the holiday season, you can click here to get my 14-Day Mindset Boost Calendar, where you’ll find a small exercise each day to help you clear the clutter, and get you prepared to truly enjoy your holiday. 

#100HappyDays How a social media challenge can help you heal from Heartbreak

The other day I was scrolling through my Instagram feed, and saw my friend’s picture of her with her kids. I glanced at the hastag, #100HappyDays. I have seen it before, and I’m sure you have too. But can we really have 100 happy days in a row?

When you’re in the midst of a face-down moment (yes, I’ve been reading a lot of Brene Brown lately), going through a break-up, or trying to get back on your feet after a devastating life-altering event, it can be difficult to see anything aside from pain and sadness.

I totally get that, and it’s totally ok to hide under the covers and pretend the world doesn’t exist for a little while. But aren’t those covers amazing? Who doesn’t love the comfort of their warm bed after a long day? Those sheets were totally worth the splurge! My point is, there’s a silver lining in everything, and a challenge like #100HappyDays or other social media challenges can help you see that.

After seeing my friend’s post, I decided to do a little research. I googled #100happydays, and it lead me to a website where you can join the challenge. For 100 days, you take a snapshot of something that makes you happy.

And while you may be having a horrible day, and feeing so much hurt and sadness over the loss of your relationship, no one’s day is entirely crappy and a challenge like this can help you to see at least one positive thing in your life each day.

It may be the warm cup of tea at the end of the day, a beautiful flower or sunset you catch a glimpse of on your way to or from work, a snuggle with your cat or dog, or the new cute running shoes you added to your workout wardrobe.

These are all small things, but when we practice gratitude, and are mindful about those things that makes us smile, it can add up to big changes in our lives.

The other great thing about a social media challenge is that it brings about a sense of community and accountability. A while back one of my cousins was doing the #100happydays challenge, and I came to look forward to her happy post each day, and if she wasn’t able to post something for a day, the following day I’d see comments asking what happened to the previous day’s post.

There are other great social media challenges with various focuses, recently I saw someone doing a #FlowerADay challenge, and a facebook group I’m a part of did a 30 day passion challenge where everyone picked something they were passionate about doing more of. Another great example of this was my colleague’s #FitLifeJust1 challenge where everyone posted one thing they were doing to get healthier each day.

Finding a challenge that has a meaningful focus for you can help get you out of a funk, and help you to notice something positive in each day with others there to support you.

As author, Naomi Williams says, “It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment."

Have you participated in a social media challenge? If so, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below. Did you gain any unexpected benefits from participating?