Valentine’s Day Gift Guide From your Couples Therapist

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day? I love asking all my couples this question as the day approaches. I love hearing creative things people come up with, but it makes me sad when I hear them say they aren’t doing anything, “because it’s just another day.” 

Yes, it is just another day, but it’s also an extra opportunity to connect with your partner! Showing love to your spouse doesn’t have to cost a ton of money, and it doesn't have to be cheesy. 

I want to help you pick out the perfect gift for your sweetheart. But first, let’s do a little prep work. If you haven’t done so already, take the 5 Love Languages Quiz here, and ask your partner to take it as well.   

If you don’t know about the 5 love languages, I’ll give you the quick, Cliff’s Notes version: We all have ways that we perceive that we are being loved, and ways we show others that we love them. Those two things are not always the same. When we figure out how we like to be loved and how our partner likes to be loved, we can do things to truly make them feel loved in ways they can feel and hear. 

Once you’ve taken the quiz and you understand what your partner’s love language is, you can start speaking it.  According to Gary Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages, there are 5 ways we show love: 

1. Acts of Service: If this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner goes out of their way for you with an act. Some examples are: making you a cup of coffee in the morning, ironing your clothes, or making you a meal. 

2. Gifts: if this is your love language, you perceive that you are being loved when your partner provides a token that reminds you they are thinking of you. Some examples are: they pick up your favorite candy when they checkout at the grocery store, they randomly purchase an item from your Amazon shopping cart, or bring you a magnet for your collection when they go out of town for a business trip. 

3. Quality Time: if this is your love language, you perceive you are being loved when your partner makes uninterrupted time to spend with you. Some examples are: they put the kids to bed or help with those duties to create an evening for the two of you to watch a show you love together, or they plan a weekend getaway or staycation for just the two of you. 

4. Words of Affirmation: if this is your love language you perceive that you are being loved when your partner tells you the words you love to hear. Some examples are: they tell you how amazing you look in your new outfit, or make it a point to tell your friends what an amazing job you did at your work presentation, or they say thank you for all you do around the house regularly. 

5. Physical Touch: if this is your love language, you perceive love from your partner when  they are physically affectionate with you. This doesn't just include sex! Things like hand holding, hair stroking, and cuddles on the couch are important to you if this is your love language. 

In the above examples I was providing information for you - the reader. But in order to select the perfect gift you’re going to want to know what your partner’s love language is. Speaking their love language is about providing what they need in order for them to feel loved. 

So, If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service, think about providing a service to him or her that they’d appreciate. Book a car detailer to come out on Valentine’s Day to have their car completely cleaned and taken care of, or do it yourself. Schedule a housekeeper or professional organizer to come out and get your home spic and span. 

You could also do a dinner at home where you prepare a special meal while your partner relaxes on the couch - if this is your gift of choice be sure to clean up the kitchen and make it look as if this never happened once you’re finished. 

If your partner’s love language is Gifts, this might seem like an easy one. But put some thought into it - have they mentioned having their eye on a specific purse or clothing item? Can you check into their Amazon account and purchase items from their wishlist or that have been left in their online shopping cart? Bring home their favorite flowers and candy, or frame their favorite photo and wrap it up for them. 

If your partner’s love language is Quality Time, set up a babysitter for an evening and order in. Instead of turning on the TV, play their favorite music in the background and try some conversation cards like these . Or download the Gottman Card Deck app and take turns asking and answering questions together. 

You can also sign up for my upcoming workshop, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, so that you ensure you’ll be spending 6 weeks of quality time with your partner learning how to have a stronger connection. 

If your partner’s love language is Words of Affirmation, create a list of things that you love about your partner and deliver a note including one item each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. You can use post-its on the bathroom mirror, or create a giant heart out of them and present them all together on V-Day. 

Another option is to have a love song made for your partner that is exclusively about your relationship through songfinch.com or a similar site. You can also frame your wedding vows if you created personal ones, or take this opportunity to create new vows and frame them or write them as a poem. 

And finally, if your partner’s love language is Physical Touch, check out this tutorial on how to give a great upper body massage. Pick up some massage oils, and set the mood to provide a great stress relief for your partner. 

Another idea is to book a dance class for the two of you to learn a fun new dance like salsa, or bachata where you can be close to one another while trying something new. 

I hope these ideas are helpful! I do not receive any commission on any of the links provided, I just want to help all my couples have a wonderful Valentines Day! 

Reply to this email and let me know if you decide to gift anything from the list, I’d love to hear from you! 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Celebrating Valentine’s Day When Love Sucks

I love reading to my 17-month old son. I love it so much, but for mostly selfish reasons; it’s the only time he just sits on my lap and cuddles with me, and I also get to read all my favorite Dr. Seuss books all over again. As a child I always knew those little books were magical – I mean I could tell by the crazy pictures, Mr. Seuss had it goin on, but as an adult I realize just how many fantastic lessons we can learn from his crazy imagination.

I was reading 'Oh, the thinks you can Think' the other day and it really made me think (go figure) about how much control we have over any situation just based on the thoughts and meaning we give to it. We are our thoughts. Our reality is what we make of it.

Valentine’s Day is heading towards us like a steamroller, or as some say, “Single Awareness Day,” or for many of you it may be “WTF-is-going-on-with-my-relationship-anyways-day.” When your relationship is lackluster, and not exactly what you had imagined, holidays – even silly ones like Valentine’s Day can be like a stab in the heart because they serve as that crappy reminder that things just aren’t right.

But rather than hide under the covers all day loathing in self-pity, I want to encourage you to take some time for yourself, change your thoughts and reality, and celebrate anyway.

First things first though – take some time to acknowledge what you’re feeling. If you’re not sure what the heck is going on with your partner and how the two of you may or may not be celebrating together, acknowledge how that makes you feel. Write it down along with the ways you’d like to feel on this day (or any day for that matter).

Next, close the gap. What can get you from feeling the way you do now, to feeling the way you’d really like? If you want to feel loved, appreciated, or accepted, how can you create that for yourself?

Who are the people in your life, aside from your partner that make you feel those things? Are any of them free to do brunch, lunch, drinks, or some sort of class on V-Day? If you’re not sure, find out! Use your support system for all it’s worth. Most people automatically assume that their BFF will be celebrating with their honey, but because they love you too, they really are willing to be there to do something fun with you as well, you just have to ask.

Pay attention to those false negative beliefs you might be carrying and holding on to. That Eeyore voice in your head that says “no one has time for me, so why should I bother?” will keep you stuck, so tell it to be quiet, and ask a friend or family member for a little QT. 

If you’d rather go solo because that voice is just relentless, then think of other things that make you feel what you’re looking to feel on this day. Often giving helps us get those feels we love. Is there someone that you’d love to shower with a little bouquet or homemade cookies? You can channel your energy into creating something nice for a friend or relative to take your mind off of your relationship.

You can also shower yourself with the gifts you’d love to receive. Go get a massage, haircut, pedicure, or grab your own flowers, and spend time remembering that the most important love we have comes from ourselves. We have to fill our cups in order to give to others, so use this day as an excuse to pamper yourself, and fill up your own cup.

No matter how you decide to celebrate, acknowledge your feelings, but resolve to push past them even if just for the day. You have power over your thoughts. Notice how many times you tell yourself something negative about what the day means, and challenge yourself to shift those negative thoughts just long enough to feel a little positivity.

If nothing else, before your feet hit the floor on the start of Valentine’s Day, make a list in your head of at least 10 things that you are grateful for. This will shift your mood and remind you that no matter what’s going on in your relationship, your entire life is much bigger. “You can think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!” Dr. Seuss.