Enjoying the Holidays In spite of your relationship Status

In an attempt to get away from the traditional “Surviving the Holidays” guide, I don’t want to talk about “surviving” something that is meant to be amazing, but instead I want to share ways to have a kick-ass holiday, in spite of your relationship status.

You may be sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table as a single, or with a partner that you’re barely holding on to, but in either case, you can have a rockin’ holiday, and I want to give you some tips to go about doing so.

It all starts with mindset. This is key to so much in our lives. The things we tell ourselves about what is to come, or what is, has the power to take over and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re stuck in loathing the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, and your mind is filled with thoughts of dodging questions about your relationship status, that’s likely what you will experience.

While I admit, sitting at a table filled with couples can remind you of your singleness, but being prepared beforehand, and focusing on your mindset can do wonders for your mood and how you interact with family and friends when they ask you yet again, if you’re ready to get back out there.

From the time of this publication until Turkey Day, you have 2 weeks and 2 days to get your mind right and prepared to have more than just a ho-hum holiday.

Start with gratitude. There are small moments in each day that we can be thankful for. This time of year gets people into posting things on social media about what they are thankful for daily. This is a great exercise, but if you aren’t into the whole social media thing, just do it for yourself. Get a little notebook and keep it by your bedside, or use the note app on your phone and jot down/type at least one thing you are thankful for each day.

Is there something that your relationship status has brought you that you can be thankful for? Looking for the silver lining in crappy situations can be powerful. Maybe you and your partner are going through a rough patch in your relationship, but it’s caused you to think more deeply about your relationship, and who you want to be as a partner. Introspection and growth are amazing things, and we sometimes need a difficult situation to kick us in the gut to help us realize it’s something we need. This is something to be thankful for, and something you can write down in your notes.

Check your limiting beliefs and that tape that plays on repeat in your head. What is it that you tell yourself about yourself? What do you tell yourself about your relationship? Are you constantly repeating over and over that you’re a horrible person for causing a break-up, or the difficult path you and your partner are on right now?

You might be saying these things to yourself and not even realize you’re doing it. Take some time out to listen to the messages you’re giving yourself, and what happens right before that, to evoke those messages.

Let me give you a personal example: I’m a person that has had a tendency to run a few minutes late to events and non-work stuff, and by a few I mean 5-15 depending on the day. It’s not something I’m proud of, but something I’m definitely working on. I noticed that I was typically showing up to wherever I needed to be, frazzled and unexcited. Getting out of the house can be a chore with a 1 year-old in tow.

When I sat down and really started thinking about my mindset and the things I was telling myself, I heard things like, “you’re never on time!” “OMG get your act together already!” “If you just would’ve gotten off the couch 10 minutes sooner, you wouldn’t be in such a rush!” and other expletives that I won’t share here. But it’s no wonder why, when I arrived to my destination that I didn’t have energy or excitement about whatever it was that I was about to do. I was spending the entire car ride mentally tearing myself apart.

After dissecting these thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I needed to change the tape that I was playing in my head when I am running late. Instead of negative thoughts, I’ve replaced them with loving affirmations. I say things like, “you are awesome,” “this event is going to be great,” and reminders about why I signed up for said event, and things that just evoke happiness. You can fill in your blank with anything positive that you see fit. But I can attest to the fact that positivity is powerful, and being kind to yourself has the ability to change a future event from something you drag your feet to, to something amazing.

As for that baby-shower I helped host over the weekend, I totally rocked it, and it was because of my mindset. I arrived with energy, eagerness to work the crowd, and I was ready to pour out all the love I had for my friend and her new baby.

I won’t pretend this is easy. Changing automatic thoughts can take weeks, months, and even years. Sometimes there are deeper-rooted issues that keep you stuck in those mindsets, but if you take the time to listen and figure out what those issues are, then you can begin working towards clearing them up.

Once you identify the negative things you’re telling yourself, it’s time to pick some new things you’d like to say instead. Write them down, and read them to yourself when you wake up, before you go to bed, and any other time you get a moment. This will help you to memorize them and recall them when you’re in that negative situation, and by the time you pull up to your parent’s house on Thanksgiving, you will be able to recite them and remind yourself of how awesome you are, and of the positive things you have to look forward to while sitting at the dinner table.

While you might not be able to change what’s happening with your partner in time for Thanksgiving, you can mentally prepare yourself for family asking about when they’ll be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet. Anticipating those types of questions that typically make you cringe, and identifying the messages you tell yourself as a result of those questions will make a world of difference.

If you know Aunt Agnes is going to ask you why you’re still not married, and you know that will in-turn cause you to over-eat, ever-drink, or over-indulge in self loathing for the remainder of the night, nip that pattern in the bud. Show up having done some work around this, and prepare a new plan of action, a new affirmation, and a new state of being so that question will just roll off your back, and you can change to subject and point out all of the fabulous things you’re doing with your life these days a result of being single.

Watching your newly married cousin and her husband play footsie under the table can have you wishing for better days with your spouse, but if you meet that head-on with a plan to focus on what the holiday is all about – a favorite dish, tradition, or a laugh you’re looking forward to having with your cousin who’s in from out of state, your mindset can help keep you thankful, and looking forward to the next family gathering. A relationship issue may be all consuming, but if you take a minute to step outside and look around, you will see that you are more than your relationship, and there truly are things to be thankful for if you just give them a chance.

If you want a little kick in the butt to get you motivated to change your mindset in preparation for the holiday season, you can click here to get my 14-Day Mindset Boost Calendar, where you’ll find a small exercise each day to help you clear the clutter, and get you prepared to truly enjoy your holiday. 

Getting to the emotion and Getting your message heard by your Partner

When you’re going through it with your partner, and there’s an ongoing argument or issue, it can be so easy to get caught up in the words that are being said. You might start an argument about something that was said that didn’t sit well with you, but end up dissecting the words, or focusing on the time and place an incident happened.

What you wanted to talk about doesn’t get addressed, and you end the argument and go to bed angry because things just weren’t going anywhere. But where did you go wrong?

If you’ve ever worked with me, you know one of my favorite questions to ask is, “but what’s the feeling behind that?” I tend to get a little excited about this question, and typically say this with emphasis because I think the answer is what leads to the magic in a relationship.

It’s the key to truly getting your message heard, and getting a response from your partner that may change the course of an argument, and a skill that can change how you fight in the future.

When you begin an argument with your partner, the way that you engage in that argument can happen in many different ways. Couples tend to do a sort of dance, where their arguments take on a familiar pattern.

Your pattern might be: I’m angry with my partner for (fill in this blank with something like, I’m feeling ignored in the relationship), so I’m going to pick a fight about (fill in the blank here with something completely unrelated, such as not putting the laundry in the dryer), your partner engages in this unrelated argument, and you take this as an opportunity to fight about the laundry, but also throw in a piece about feeling ignored. Your partner ignores the part about being ignored, and becomes upset because he/she’s tired of being criticized. You both become tired of arguing. No solution is reached, and you go to bed angry because you’ve run out of things to say. In the morning you go about your days, hardly saying a word, and as the day goes on, you forget about the argument and go back to business as usual.  

In this scenario, the issue that was really bothering you was never addressed or even really discussed with your partner. When you don’t get the things that bother you addressed or resolved in your relationship, it becomes like a thorn in your side, and can cause that dirty little word – resentment.

The land of resentment is a dangerous place to be in your relationship because it greatly impacts the way you love and interact with your partner, and it can sometimes be difficult to initially detect.

Avoiding Resentment by getting to the feeling

Let’s go back and redo that argument in a more productive way: I’m angry with my partner for (fill in this blank with something like, I’m feeling ignored in the relationship), so I’m going to address the issue head-on, you engage your partner in a conversation where you talk about feeling ignored in the relationship, and how it makes you feel. Instead of picking an argument about something unrelated, you get to the feeling and say something like, “I’ve been feeling sad lately, and like I’m being ignored by you. This makes me feel like I’m not important to you.”

Going to the feeling, and openly sharing that with your partner gives them the opportunity to respond to your emotion. In 99% of cases, your partner isn’t trying to hurt your feelings, and will respond with concern when given the opportunity. This opens up an opportunity for you to make a request about their behavior moving forward, and clarify what you need.  

Simple, right? While it’s easy for me to write out this simple formula, it’s often more difficult to do and takes practice. It’s easy to get caught up in building your argument, and fear of vulnerability sets in at times when you get to the point where you share your feelings. But my hope is that you can ask yourself, “what’s the most important thing that I need to communicate to my partner in this scenario?” Hint: it’s your feeling behind what’s happened; the emotion it’s evoked.

If you find that you get caught up in other things and have difficulty understanding and getting to your feelings, I’d love to help. Couples counseling can be a great way to improve your communication skills together, and get your relationship back on track. Give me a call at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation.

Break-up, to Make-up. When do we call it quits? + Bonus Video!

Whether you love them or hate them, you can’t cross a checkout stand without catching a glimpse of the latest Kardashian drama. In the wake of Kloe and Lamar’s latest drama, and reconciliation, many are wondering if calling off their divorce is a good idea. While their case may seem extreme, these things do happen to people who aren’t celebrities, but when is it a good idea to reconcile, and when do you call it quits? 

The answer to this question is different for every couple, and when marriage and children are involved, that adds additional variables to the equation and typically keeps people together longer and trying to work through the issue. I’ve put together a list of things that could be considered deal-breakers, and that I recommend seeking counseling for:

1.    You don’t feel valued or respected for the person that you are.

When you don’t feel as though you can show up in your relationship as your true, authentic self for fear of the negative reaction or judgment of your partner, this may be a sign of deeper issues that should be explored and discussed. Things like differences in values, life-goals, and roles can cause arguments and disagreements, but seeking a therapist in order to assist you in uncovering the root of this issue can be beneficial.

2.    You aren’t the only one.

Although the research shows that more and more couples are staying together after infidelity, it can be difficult to weather this storm. It takes two people who are ready to look at themselves, take responsibility for what lead to the affair, and come to an agreement as to what the relationship will look like going forward. This can be a new start to a new relationship, but one that won’t come easy, and therapy can help speed things up a bit in terms of the conversations that need to be had in order to get to a better place.

3.    You aren’t fighting fair.

When fights look like all-out, gloves off brawls, this can be extremely destructive to your relationship. Things like name-calling, put-downs, and an inability to argue about just one thing are all signs that you may be doing irreparable damage to your relationship. These types of arguments often cause resentment, and over time that resentment leads to separation and divorce. Therapy can be a great place to learn how to fight fair.

4.    Harmful habits are taking over.  

If your partner is unable to get a handle on a harmful addiction, this is definitely a good time to seek help from an outsider. When your life is endangered due to the risky behaviors of your partner, or you feel like the addiction is consuming a majority of your interactions, it’s time to take a look at the relationship and consider making some major changes. Addictions can be tricky, but ultimately the responsibility for making changes falls on the addict, and playing the waiting game without becoming an enabler can cause a huge amount of stress.

5.    Trust is broken and irreparable.

Trust is one of the most important factors in any relationship, and when it becomes broken for any reason, it can take a great amount of time, effort, and dedication to restore. If you feel as though the trust has been lost in your relationship, and it happens more than once, going through that restoration process once more can take a huge toll, and make the process longer and more difficult with each go-around. Doing the same thing over and over again in hopes of a different result is sometimes called insanity, and while I wouldn’t consider it that severe, I definitely think it’s exhausting, and getting support to assist in sorting through trust issues can be helpful.

With any of these deal-breakers, deciding to stay in the relationship and work on things is a personal preference.  Seeking assistance from a therapist can help you cut down on the amount of time you might spend working through things on your own, and help you to uncover things that can assist you in making the decision to end the relationship.

When clients decide that they are in fact going to end their relationships while in therapy, the splits typically happen in a more amicable fashion, and one or both partners can continue to receive support. If you can use support with any the issues mentioned above, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to give me a call at (909) 226-6124 for a free 15-mintue consultation where we can talk about ways you might benefit from therapy.

As a bonus this week, I’ve included a video follow-up to last week’s blog post where I discuss a few tips for communicating with your partner, if you feel they’ve crossed a boundary in your relationship. You can check it out below: 

Adultery, Infidelity, Cheating. When am I crossing the Line?

In my practice I meet with couples who are struggling to have the happy, healthy relationship they dreamed of when they said, “I do.” Often times each partner has a different expectation and they aren’t meeting in the middle. When it comes to infidelity, I often get asked, “what’s considered cheating?”

Is it a lap dance at a bachelor party? A visit to a porn site? A flirty text, phone call, or facebook message with an old boyfriend? Do you have to have sex for it to be considered cheating?

These questions often arise in my work with couples, and as much as I’d love to give a definitive answer on each, that’s not my place, and my answer is always the same – it depends.

Depending on your background and history with cheating, your feeling of security in the relationship, and feeling of connectedness with your partner, your answers will likely be different than the next persons, and may even be different than your partner’s.

The most important thing is for you to talk with your partner about your expectations, what makes you feel insecure, and what’s definitely crossing the line. Having these conversations early on can be extremely helpful as you navigate the hills and valleys of life with your partner.

Of course this is best-case scenario, and I know not everyone reading this is in the beginning stages of their relationship. So what if that line’s already been crossed? The most important piece in working through infidelity – whatever the form, is recognizing what was occurring for each of you leading up to the act.

Each partner has a contribution. And I know if you’ve been cheated on by your partner, you may be saying, WTF?? It’s often difficult to see your contribution to an affair, and I totally understand that this may sound crazy if you haven’t crossed that line yourself, but stay with me.

Partners who don’t cheat, but are distant in some other way can also cause damage to the relationship without realizing it. By no means am I condoning an affair, and it’s not about one partner “deserving it,” but it’s about recognizing habits that can cause distance and a need to search elsewhere.

Getting to the point where each partner is able to see their contribution can feel like going through hell and back. But once it’s done, it can be an amazing starting-off point for creating a new relationship where each partner is clear on what they want in the relationship, and how they need to relate to one another in order to keep an infidelity from happening again.

People cheat for many different reasons, but in most cases they are looking for something they aren’t feeling. It isn’t always about the act itself. If you’re teetering on crossing that line, ask yourself what you’re looking for that you’re not getting from your relationship, and have a conversation with your partner about it.

If you’re struggling to have that conversation, I’d love to help. You can contact me at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation where we can discuss ways to get you back on track, and how you might benefit from couples counseling. 

Tips for finding the right therapist in Rancho Cucamonga

I recently got a facebook message from a friend I worked with back in the day. She told me she was looking to make some important changes in her life, and thought it was time to talk with a therapist.

Without asking her all of the details, I just asked a few questions that would help me understand what she was looking for. She said she was having issues with her boyfriend, and wasn’t sure if this was the relationship she should be in.

She said she was looking for someone in the area, preferably Rancho Cucamonga. Now, because of our ethical standards, psychologists, MFTs, and LCSWs do not take on clients they already have a relationship with.

This is considered a dual relationship, and in order to give the best therapeutic services to our clients, it’s important that another relationship does not exist prior to the therapeutic relationship as it has a tendency to make things messy. Basically it’s a no-no in our profession.

I gave my friend a few tips about looking for a therapist in Rancho Cucamonga, which I think are pretty helpful so I thought I’d share them with you as well:

A Licensed Psychologist, Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice setting can all provide talk-therapy.

Their licenses are each governed by different boards, which dictate where they can practice, their scope of practice, and what their licensing requirements are.

In my opinion, the most important factor in finding the right therapist is their specialty.

If I’m having issues with my vision, and I think I might need glasses, I’m likely not going to go to a Cardiologist. I’m going to look for an optometrist.

This is the same with counseling. If you’re looking for help with your romantic relationship, you wouldn’t necessarily want to go to a therapist who specializes in working with children and who does mostly play-therapy.

Regardless of the letters that come after their name, therapists usually have a specialization. For me, it’s women struggling with divorce and infidelity.

In addition to the required coursework and licensing requirements I’ve fulfilled, I completed and internship where I mainly worked with women who were starting over in their lives.

This gave me the passion to continue to work with women in my private practice, and continue to educate myself about how to best work with these issues.

I attend conferences and workshops with this subject matter, read books and articles, and consume a great deal of information about ways to help my clients who are going through divorce and infidelity.

Word of mouth referrals are great. If you feel comfortable talking to friends and family about a great therapist they might have seen for a similar issue that can be super helpful.

I totally get it if you don’t want to put that out there though, and so the internet can be a great tool in finding the right therapist in Rancho Cucamonga. There are online therapy listings where you can find someone that specializes in what you’re looking for help with.

Taking the time to educate yourself about what the therapist does and how they work can be really helpful in reducing the anxiety that often comes with making your first appointment. Check out their website, and call for a consultation so that you can get a feel for them over the phone.

If you were to line up three great therapists, but you just don’t click with two of them, then they’re just not the right match for you, and that’s completely ok! You’re going to be delving into a lot of personal and private information, and feeling comfortable with the person helping you is really important, because it can greatly affect the outcome of your therapeutic process.

Lastly, decide whether you are going to use insurance or pay out of pocket for therapy. If you are looking to use insurance to offset the cost, then it’s important to find out through your insurance company what they cover, and which therapists are in your network.

You can ask your insurance company for a list of therapists in Rancho Cucamonga, and then look through those to be sure they specialize in what you’re looking for help with.

This can sometimes limit the number of therapists you are able to see. Many of my clients have insurance but opt not to use it because they were unable to find someone who specializes in divorce and infidelity that was covered by their insurance company, or they just didn’t click with the therapists they talked to who were covered by their insurance plan.

I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Rancho Cucamonga. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at (909) 226-6124 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with divorce or infidelity, you can read more about how I can help by visiting my website at www.ranchocounseling.com.