#100HappyDays How a social media challenge can help you heal from Heartbreak

The other day I was scrolling through my Instagram feed, and saw my friend’s picture of her with her kids. I glanced at the hastag, #100HappyDays. I have seen it before, and I’m sure you have too. But can we really have 100 happy days in a row?

When you’re in the midst of a face-down moment (yes, I’ve been reading a lot of Brene Brown lately), going through a break-up, or trying to get back on your feet after a devastating life-altering event, it can be difficult to see anything aside from pain and sadness.

I totally get that, and it’s totally ok to hide under the covers and pretend the world doesn’t exist for a little while. But aren’t those covers amazing? Who doesn’t love the comfort of their warm bed after a long day? Those sheets were totally worth the splurge! My point is, there’s a silver lining in everything, and a challenge like #100HappyDays or other social media challenges can help you see that.

After seeing my friend’s post, I decided to do a little research. I googled #100happydays, and it lead me to a website where you can join the challenge. For 100 days, you take a snapshot of something that makes you happy.

And while you may be having a horrible day, and feeing so much hurt and sadness over the loss of your relationship, no one’s day is entirely crappy and a challenge like this can help you to see at least one positive thing in your life each day.

It may be the warm cup of tea at the end of the day, a beautiful flower or sunset you catch a glimpse of on your way to or from work, a snuggle with your cat or dog, or the new cute running shoes you added to your workout wardrobe.

These are all small things, but when we practice gratitude, and are mindful about those things that makes us smile, it can add up to big changes in our lives.

The other great thing about a social media challenge is that it brings about a sense of community and accountability. A while back one of my cousins was doing the #100happydays challenge, and I came to look forward to her happy post each day, and if she wasn’t able to post something for a day, the following day I’d see comments asking what happened to the previous day’s post.

There are other great social media challenges with various focuses, recently I saw someone doing a #FlowerADay challenge, and a facebook group I’m a part of did a 30 day passion challenge where everyone picked something they were passionate about doing more of. Another great example of this was my colleague’s #FitLifeJust1 challenge where everyone posted one thing they were doing to get healthier each day.

Finding a challenge that has a meaningful focus for you can help get you out of a funk, and help you to notice something positive in each day with others there to support you.

As author, Naomi Williams says, “It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment."

Have you participated in a social media challenge? If so, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below. Did you gain any unexpected benefits from participating?

I’m Sorry! Tips for an appropriate Apology

We’ve all been there, you have a fight with your partner, and whether it’s about something big or small, when it’s all said and done you have that icky feeling in your gut, and you know that it’s time to apologize.

You swallow your pride, and take a stab at “I’m sorry,” but things go horribly wrong, and round 2 ensues. As you start your fight all over again, you think “what the hell?? I said sorry!” 

Chances are, the apology was either premature, or not executed properly. Here are a few things to consider when crafting an appropriate apology:

Before you utter those two powerful words, ask yourself - What am I apologizing for?

As a therapist I can tell you, there’s nothing worse than sitting in session with a couple and hearing one partner say, “I’m sorry you felt that way.”

An apology is taking action for something you did, said, or thought, and so you can’t apologize for someone else’s feelings. When you do apologize for another’s feelings it has a negative connotation and sends the message that their feelings aren’t important.

Understanding your part in what’s taken place might take some time, and while you might not feel you did anything wrong, the bottom line is your partner had a negative reaction to what was said or done, so take some time to think about your part in the matter and go from there.

A premature apology can do more harm than good. If you’re still upset or angry, and yell out, “I’M SORRY!” you’re not likely to get the best response.

The look on your face, the positioning of your body, and the sound of your voice all have to be in line with the message you’re trying to convey.

If you’re still angry, and not truly sorry for what you’ve said, then don’t apologize. But do take some time away to collect yourself, calm down, and get in the right headspace so you can come back with all things aligned.

An appropriate apology starts with you and ends with a suggestion for ways to create a different outcome in the future.

No one likes hearing someone tell them they’re sorry for something they did, just to have them do it over again. If you’re sorry for name-calling or blaming, then own it, and come up with ways that you’ll avoid doing it in the future.

If it means taking yourself out of a certain situation, or asking for time alone when you feel yourself getting to that point, then practice asking for what you need, and doing so in a way that shows respect to both you and your partner.

Arguments in relationships are inevitable. We don’t always see eye to eye, and that’s ok because that’s what makes us individuals. But when we do something to cause our partner hurt, a great apology can go a long way, and it can be the start of great conversation that will lead to better outcomes in the future. 

If you know you have an apology due, I hope these tips were helpful, and you can become a master of the appropriate apology! Don't forget to share by hitting the button below :)

Are you dating a commitment-phobe?

Commitment can be tough for some, and past hurts can hinder people's ability to create new, lasting, committed relationships.

But how can you tell if the person you're dating is totally averse to commitment? I'd like to share a few signs you shouldn't ignore when trying to decipher commitment cues. 

1. You're left in the dark about the status of your relationship. 

If you've been dating for more than 6 months, and by dating I mean actual dating - going out to various dinners, events, etc. and having the occasional sleep-over, but the person does not seem hip to the idea of exclusivity and rarely mentions the status of your relationship this may be a sign they are having trouble committing. 

Not having at least one discussion about relationship status and exclusivity can leave you wondering if you're the only one, and as though your relationship isn't a priority. 

2. Their "future language" does not include you, or anyone else for that matter. 

When people see themselves as having the ability to commit in a relationship they often talk about the future, and this language will include their partner or person they're dating.

They will say things like, "we" and "us" or even "future husband/wife" and they talk in ways that indicate they see themselves with a significant other in the future.

3. They haven't had committed relationships in the past.

Asking about this may seem a little off-putting if it's done too soon, but a casual conversation in which you ask about past relationships is pretty standard when you are a newly dating couple. Asking questions about the length of past relationships without asking all of the gory details can be helpful.

If the person's response does not indicate that they've had any relationships longer than a few months, it may be a sign they are challenged in the commitment department. 

4. They are unable to keep other commitments in their life. 

People who are unable to have long-term friendships, jobs, and social commitments such as playing on a sports team or being part of a club might have difficulty committing in a romantic relationship. 

If they have analysis paralysis when it comes to smaller commitments such as what movie to see, what car to rent, or hotel to stay in, and making decisions about those things is a long and overly drawn out process, this may be a sign that commitment is difficult for them. 

If they hop from place to place, friend to friend, and job to job, without truly investing the time in creating stability it may be a sign that a long-term relationship isn't on their radar. 

5. They aren't creating space for you in their life. 

If the person you're dating isn't introducing you to their friends, family, and other significant people in their life, this can be a sign that they aren't ready to go public with the relationship, and might not be ready for commitment. 

In the same vein, if they are unable to break up their daily routine in order to spend quality time with you, they aren't creating the space necessary to have a committed relationship. 

While it's unrealistic to expect that someone you are newly dating is going to rearrange their whole life for you, there has to be a balance, and while they may very well be busy with work deadlines and gym sessions, total inability to include you in their schedule isn't a positive sign in terms of their ability to commit. 

Having a direct conversation about the status of your relationship is always recommended. Being open and honest about how you see the relationship going, and asking about their feelings can assure you are on the right track. 

Relationships can be difficult, but they don't always have to be.

If you'd like more relationship advice from a professional, don't forget to sign up for our mailing list and receive you're weekly dose of Relationship RX! 

How to love your wife the way you love your sports team, and the benefits you'll reap

There's nothing like the sound of whistles blowing, quarterbacks hut-hut-hiking, and helmet hitting helmet. Football season in the U.S. is upon us. 

What also accompanies these sounds are the sounds of screaming, yelling of obscenities, pacing, celebratory dancing, and the occasional throwing of the tv remote - and I know that's not just a Monday night in my house! 

And while I'd like to throw out a few clinical diagnoses to justify my annoyance with my husband's overly enthusiastic choice of words, I refrain and remind myself it will only last until February.... Only. Six. More. Months... 

I know there are some ladies out there who are just as passionate about their sports teams, and who can spiritedly object to a bad call with the best of them, so this can apply to you as well:

What if you loved your partner with as much passion as you love your sports team? I want to give you a few tips on how to make that happen. 

Make date night plans the way you make game-day plans.

When there’s an important game coming up you make sure your schedule is clear, call your buddies and discuss the line-up, where you’ll be watching, and whose turn it is to bring the beer.

Date night should look similar. Talk to your partner, make sure you’re on the same page, schedules are clear, and take the initiative to plan with enthusiasm. Make a dinner reservation and arrange for childcare if necessary.

Approach your date night the way you approach game time. 

When it's game time, nothing stands in your way of making it home in time for kick-off. You make sure to have your choice beverage and snack in hand before that ball is kicked.  

Maybe in an emergency situation you aren't able to make it home on time, but you're listening to AM radio all the way home, and catching up on what you missed on Sports Center after the game. 

Date night should look similar.  Treat it as though it’s something that absolutely can’t be missed, something you treasure, and something you look forward to all week.

On the rare occasion that you're running late because you get stuck at work, call and talk to your sweet heart all the way to the restaurant, because that conversation is just too precious to miss out on. 

Belong to your relationship the way you belong to your sports team.

When your team is struggling, and the refs are making all the wrong calls, you enthusiastically jump in and stick up for your team, because after all, WE have worked hard all season, and WE aren’t putting up with this!  

When your partner is struggling to keep up with the demands of work, home, family, and everything else life is throwing at the moment, it’s time to step it up, and jump in the way you do for your team.

There doesn’t have to be as many 4-letter words involved, but volunteering with gusto to walk the dog or make the call back to your kid’s teacher will go a long way.

Have you heard the saying, “foreplay starts outside of the bedroom?” Trust me on this one, guys!

Translate that passion into your relationship language.

Even when it’s not game day, you're checking stats, catching up on the status of injured players, and watching highlights from games you missed.  

You talk football at the water cooler and proudly clothe yourself in your team’s colors at the weekend BBQ.

Now I’m not asking you to wear an “I love my wife” t-shirt with her picture on it to the next company picnic, but checking in on your wife’s stats the way you would your team’s will score you some major bonus points.  

Asking about how she’s feeling about her annoying coworker, or the latest episode of Scandal just shows that you care about her world, and she’s a priority in your life. And while you may not love shows with strong female leads, it really isn’t about the show, it’s about showing up and showing you appreciate her inner thoughts.

Translating that passion you show for your team into the words you use with your partner can be totally flattering and surprising if it isn’t something she’s used to.

“I freakin love you!” is a little different than the usual “love ya babe,” so at the risk of being vulnerable, just go for it, because she knows you have more than a passionate bone in your body – she’s witness to your Monday, Thursday, and/or Sunday salutes to your team, so get creative and let the passion show!

Who are you rooting for this season? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below, and want to know what you’re gonna do this season to show up in your relationship.

5 Things to consider before moving in Together

Even the consideration of creating a home with your honey can give you butterflies.

But if you're not ready for such a big step, it can be grounds for disaster. 

Here are 5 things to consider before you sign on the dotted line: 

1. What is the status of our relationship? 

In answering this, you want to consider the amount of conflict that is occurring in your relationship, your relationship history, and commitment towards the future.

Healthy relationships should follow the 5:1 ratio - meaning for every negative interaction, there should be 5 positive interactions to counter the negative. Relationships that are not solid have the potential to fizzle, and leases and mortgages are often difficult to break. 

2. Are we compatible room mates? 

Domestic bliss can be difficult to attain, even for the most seasoned couples. Understanding what role each of you will play in the household is important, and definitely a conversation that should take place before you get the keys to you're new place.

Knowing who will be responsible for which chores in addition to having an understanding about expectations for personal space, bathroom habits, pets, and visitors are all important things to consider.

Are you an early bird? Is your partner a night owl? Do you love having dinner parties weekly? Does your partner see their dwelling as a quiet place to recharge? When you're opposites, and can't find a balance, things can go downhill fast. 

3. Are we on the same page financially? 

Finances can cause major rifts between partners.  Sitting down and having a plan regarding who will pay for what, how often, will cut down on any surprises.

Contingency plans for job loss, unexpected illness and other life-changing events should also be discussed.

Will you be combining incomes? Keeping things separate? Splitting the rent 50/50? There is no right answer, but a clear expectation will set you up for less arguments down the line. 

4. Do we have a long term plan? 

Understanding what future plans each of you has and making sure you are on the same page will greatly benefit your relationship and make for a happy home.

Are you planning to get married? Buy a house? Have children? Will one of you be taking a job out of state in the future? Having clear goals as a couple is important. 

5. Am I emotionally ready for this commitment? 

Moving in with your partner might seem like the most awesome experience, no more weekends over, and devoting your items to a single drawer! But moving in together is a huge step, and when conflicts arise there is often less space between you to offer a retreat.

Consider what might happen if you were to split up, and make sure you have a financial plan for such. Taking an account of the relationship, and how you truly feel about the person you are thinking about moving in with.

What does your gut tell you about your future with this person? You may find that living together is as awesome as you had thought, but a little planning and forethought goes a long way!