Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help

When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.  

They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over. 

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.  

Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.” 

It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin. 

The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have. 

The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope. 

⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”

For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it. 

If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of! 

It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another! 

Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!

Keep your criticism to Yourself!

Criticism may start out as a way to rib or joke with your partner, but it can start to happen more often than not and without you even realizing that’s what you’re doing. 

I see it a lot in relationships that are on the rocks. Criticism is one of the 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse, according to the Gottman Institute, and is one of the greatest predictors of divorce. 

The couples that I work with sometimes have no idea the impact that it can have on their marriage in the long run which is why I want to bring it to your attention today. 

Criticism usually begins with the word “you,” and often also includes words like, “always” and “never.”

“You never do the dishes when you say you’re going to! You’re so lazy!” ::Heavy sigh::

Criticism attacks your partner’s character and leaves little room for a productive response or conversation. If you think about it though, it makes total sense - do you ever respond to someone telling you what a shitty job you’re doing at something with an open heart, or a, “wow! Thanks for pointing that out for me, I’m totally going to start doing the dishes now…” 

Absolutely not! 

Criticism actually does the opposite. It’s like a match, and can ignite a conflict into a huge blow up. This is because our natural inclination is to respond to criticism with defensiveness. It doesn’t elicit warm fuzzies, it makes us want to shut down, fight, or point out all the ways your partner is falling short (defensiveness). The bottom line is - it’s uncomfortable. 

Have you ever heard the saying, “you catch more bees with honey?” This is precisely the approach you should be taking with your partner instead. 

Talking from a place of how you feel about a behavior is so much more effective and will put your partner in a much less defensive place. 

Criticism should be replaced with using I-statements and making specific requests. 

Example: I feel hurt and lonely when I’m the only one doing the housework. Can you help me by picking up the kids' toys and doing the dishes when I’m working late? 

The need to criticize is often the sign of an unmet need. If you stop and take a moment before you lash out at your partner ask yourself, “what is my need here?” If your need is for support then ask specifically for that support. 

Using an I-statement to express how not having your need met makes you feel, makes your feeling hearable. We can hear our partner say when they're hurt, sad, or lonely. Those feelings get lost in translation though when they are hidden behind criticism.  

If you feel criticism running rampant in your relationship we are here to help! Click here to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation, or join us for our upcoming 6-week, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class beginning in March, 2023. Click here for details and answers to frequently asked questions about this upcoming workshop.  

Making your Marriage Last by Building a Culture of Appreciation

Have you ever wondered why some couples just have what it takes to make their marriage last? You know those couples - the ones that always seem happy and connected, and it seems like they never fight. They’re the couples who have been together for years and years, and who always just seem to have that spark. 

Want to know their secrets? 

Well let me tell you, there are specific qualities that happy couples possess, but it’s not as complicated as you might think! 

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be sharing the secrets of lasting, satisfying relationships, and the specific things that these “Master Couples” implement regularly to keep their relationships from heading in the wrong direction. 

I’m also going to share some of the negative patterns that couples who are heading towards divorce tend to fall into so that you can avoid these destructive patterns and focus on counteracting them if they do exist in your marriage: 

One of the greatest predictors of divorce is a pattern of contempt in relationships. 

Contempt is an ugly pattern and I see it frequently in my office. It honestly makes my stomach hurt when it shows up. 

Contempt is typically the response to long simmering resentments. Couples who are contemptuous take every opportunity to make negative comments about their partners. They sneer, roll their eyes, use sarcasm, name-call, and mock or mimic their partner in a judgmental way. 

When I see couples showing up this way it’s difficult to imagine them ever even liking one another - but typically at some point they did. 

Usually early on in the relationship these patterns did not exist. 

Couples who avoid conflict have a tendency to get to this place because they hold on to their partner’s transgressions and rarely voice a need for change. They also wait too long to talk about issues and don’t have open dialogues about problems when they arise.  

The good news is that there are ways to counteract this negative pattern. One of the secrets to having a happy, healthy relationship is building a culture of appreciation in your marriage. Here are five ways to create a culture of appreciation in your marriage: 

1. Remember the 5:1 ratio. In order to counteract negativity and conflict in your relationship there should be a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative sentiments that are expressed. For every negative comment or interaction, there needs to be five positive expressions.

2. Express appreciation. Expressing appreciation goes a long way! Make it a habit to tell your partner how much you appreciate their help, their kindness, their affection, or anything else that they do that makes you smile.

3. Express gratitude. Make it a habit to regularly express gratitude. Say thank you for the little things, and say it often.

4. Show Respect. Maintain respect for your partner even when you disagree. Don't name-call, criticize, or put them down. Talk about your partner positively to others and in front of others.

5. Show affection. Regularly reach out to your partner to initiate affection. A hug, a hand hold, or a brush of the hair goes a long way. If affection does not come naturally to you, start by getting in the habit of showing affection when saying hello or good-bye and move on from there. 

If you feel like you’re in a contemptuous relationship, the best time to start couples therapy is ASAP! Past hurts and resentments should be discussed and processed in order to move forward and make room for building a culture of appreciation. 

Mind-Reading in Marriage (part 2)

Last week we talked about mind-reading and how it can be such a disappointing pattern when you think your partner should just know what you need when you need it. In case you missed it, you can read that here. 

This week I want to talk about the other side of the mind-reading pattern. It’s also something I see a lot in my practice where one partner will say something like, “well no, I did not bring that up, because I already knew exactly how he/she was going to respond.” 

To which I typically reply, “oh, so you can read your partner’s mind?”

The truth is, we don’t know exactly how our partner will respond to something. 

Yes, you may have had a similar situation or pattern and you know things about what your partner may like and dislike, but when you assume that your partner will respond in a certain way and as a result of this pattern of mind-reading, you tend to either alter your communication or you avoid the conversation altogether. 

You might tell yourself you’ll get a negative response to something because you’ve felt negativity in an area of the relationship, and this sets you up for a pattern called negative-sentiment override. 

One of my clients used to refer to this pattern as the merry-go-round. 

Altering and avoiding communicating with your partner because you are telling yourself you know how they will respond only perpetuates the pattern and many times you will treat your partner as if you’ve already had that conversation and you’ve already received that negative response even though you only actually had the conversation in your mind and not out loud. 

Once you get into the pattern of negative sentiment override it can be difficult to get out because you aren’t actually having the conversations and you’re always assuming your partner’s negativity. Not having the actual conversations never allows for a positive response from your partner and keeps you perpetually stuck in assuming negativity and you might even begin to see your partner in a negative light altogether

When I reality test with clients about their assumptions of their partner’s negative responses and they actually have those conversations in session they find out things like: 

Their partner gave a negative response to helping with the kiddos' bath time once when they were stressed from work, and if they could do it all over again they’d respond differently. 

The assumption that was made in this case was that helping in the evenings was not going to happen, and one partner just assumed all responsibility without asking for help due to one negative response. 

One partner didn't want to talk about vacation planning one evening because they’d just had an issue at work with a coworker who typically covers for them, and didn’t feel comfortable asking for coverage at that particular time. 

The assumption that was made here was that vacations weren’t a priority for this person, and their partner was afraid to broach the subject. After further conversation in session it turned out this wasn’t the case, and once things were running smoother with the above mentioned coworker, vacation planning could easily resume. 

One negative response from your partner should not mean you’ll always receive that response in similar scenarios, and it could just be situational. 

So have the conversations. Make the requests. Don’t assume you know exactly how your partner will respond and get into a rut of negative sentiment override.

If you’d like help improving the communication in your relationship, we are here and eager to help! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation and get hooked up with one of our amazing therapists who can walk you through improving your relationship.

Mind-Reading in Marriage

Do you expect your partner to know how you feel, what you need, when you need it? 

Couples will sit on my couch in the middle of a conflict, and one will look at me and say something like, “we’ve been together for 20 years, she should know that when I have to deal with work on my day off, I’m going to be upset. She should just anticipate that I’m going to be pissed off that day.”

This actually came from a session I had a couple weeks ago. The couple was upset with one another about how each handled a recent conflict in which PartnerA had to go into work on a day off, and said PartnerB appeared to be completely oblivious to their mood. 

PartnerA exclaimed, “you should have known I was upset and needed a hug!”

PartnerB shot back with, “I was in my own world, I was getting ready for work myself, and I didn’t even look up to see the look on your face when you told me you had to go into work.” 

PartnerA responded with, “I’m ALWAYS pissed when I have to go into work on my day off, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT! You should've been there for me - you should have given me a hug because you should've known.”

This went on for a while longer, back and forth like a tennis match, until I stopped them. 

The fundamental distortion here was that PartnerA was angry, hurt, and ultimately felt lonely because PartnerB had not anticipated their needs. 

PartnerB was hurt, and saddened that when they returned home later that evening, PartnerA turned away, didn’t give a greeting, and sulked the rest of the evening, to which PartnerA had no idea why. This just prolonged their disconnection and frustration with one another. 

As always, I worked to slow them down in the session, and helped them express how they each felt. 

Then we discussed mind-reading, and how we absolutely can not expect our partner to anticipate our needs and wants all the time. 

If PartnerA had stated, “man I’m so pissed right now, I have to go into work on my day off. I feel stressed, and frustrated. Can I just have a hug?” PartnerB would have totally obliged and likely went out of their way to send cheer throughout the day via text or in some other way. 

When we expect our partner to know what we need, when we need it, we set ourselves up for disappointment, and we set our partner up for failure. 

Think about it - we are complex beings, and we don’t always want the same things. Some days we want affection, and other days we want a listening ear or someone to sit next to and say nothing with. 

This is your reminder to ask  for what you need from your partner. 

If you want to be pet like a cat while you snuggle on the couch after a hard day, ask! If you need some time to decompress and want to take a long hot shower or bath, let your partner know that’s what you’re needing!

Know that if you have been stuck in a pattern of asking your partner to read your mind, it’s not always evident that that’s what you’re doing. This could show up as you feeling disappointed frequently in the relationship, and so if that’s the case it might be time to look a little deeper and work on understanding your own expectations and how you may be setting both you and your partner up for failure.

If you’d like help improving the communication in your relationship, we are here and eager to help! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation and get hooked up with one of our amazing therapists who can walk you through improving your relationship.