Mind-Reading in Marriage

Do you expect your partner to know how you feel, what you need, when you need it? 

Couples will sit on my couch in the middle of a conflict, and one will look at me and say something like, “we’ve been together for 20 years, she should know that when I have to deal with work on my day off, I’m going to be upset. She should just anticipate that I’m going to be pissed off that day.”

This actually came from a session I had a couple weeks ago. The couple was upset with one another about how each handled a recent conflict in which PartnerA had to go into work on a day off, and said PartnerB appeared to be completely oblivious to their mood. 

PartnerA exclaimed, “you should have known I was upset and needed a hug!”

PartnerB shot back with, “I was in my own world, I was getting ready for work myself, and I didn’t even look up to see the look on your face when you told me you had to go into work.” 

PartnerA responded with, “I’m ALWAYS pissed when I have to go into work on my day off, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT! You should've been there for me - you should have given me a hug because you should've known.”

This went on for a while longer, back and forth like a tennis match, until I stopped them. 

The fundamental distortion here was that PartnerA was angry, hurt, and ultimately felt lonely because PartnerB had not anticipated their needs. 

PartnerB was hurt, and saddened that when they returned home later that evening, PartnerA turned away, didn’t give a greeting, and sulked the rest of the evening, to which PartnerA had no idea why. This just prolonged their disconnection and frustration with one another. 

As always, I worked to slow them down in the session, and helped them express how they each felt. 

Then we discussed mind-reading, and how we absolutely can not expect our partner to anticipate our needs and wants all the time. 

If PartnerA had stated, “man I’m so pissed right now, I have to go into work on my day off. I feel stressed, and frustrated. Can I just have a hug?” PartnerB would have totally obliged and likely went out of their way to send cheer throughout the day via text or in some other way. 

When we expect our partner to know what we need, when we need it, we set ourselves up for disappointment, and we set our partner up for failure. 

Think about it - we are complex beings, and we don’t always want the same things. Some days we want affection, and other days we want a listening ear or someone to sit next to and say nothing with. 

This is your reminder to ask  for what you need from your partner. 

If you want to be pet like a cat while you snuggle on the couch after a hard day, ask! If you need some time to decompress and want to take a long hot shower or bath, let your partner know that’s what you’re needing!

Know that if you have been stuck in a pattern of asking your partner to read your mind, it’s not always evident that that’s what you’re doing. This could show up as you feeling disappointed frequently in the relationship, and so if that’s the case it might be time to look a little deeper and work on understanding your own expectations and how you may be setting both you and your partner up for failure.

If you’d like help improving the communication in your relationship, we are here and eager to help! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation and get hooked up with one of our amazing therapists who can walk you through improving your relationship.

Why is it so hard to be Quarantined with my Partner?

I just wrapped up my 4th week of seeing clients online, and everyone seems to be settling into their new normal.  For many this includes social distancing, working from home, and trying to figure out how to juggle working and also homeschooling kids from home - it’s a lot! 

Since I specialize in working with couples, relationship issues aren’t a surprise to me. Relationship issues are normal. But what’s not normal is doing all of the tasks that we once did in various locations all in one space, and trying to maintain healthy boundaries. 

To de-stress I used to head to my local yoga studio, take a heated, sweaty class, finish feeling grounded, chat with my friends, and then come home. Now I head to my bedroom to try and do an online class and hope that one of my small children isn’t hot on my heels. In the middle of said class, it’s been a miracle if I’m not joined by my toddler who also wants to try some yoga. The result is usually her becoming upset that I’m hogging MY yoga mat. 

There’s a part of me that loves to see her try to do yoga with me, and then there’s a part of me that is utterly annoyed at the fact that I’m not getting the same results from what used to be my go-to self-care routine. 

For most of us, that separation is not just a luxury, but it was something that was necessary. The commute to work provided a time of separation from home to the staff meeting. Sending kids off to school provided time for many parents to work or get things done around the house, and who we are in our work environments offered separation from who we need to be at home. 

Now the lines are blurred. Everything is happening at the kitchen table - the work, the schoolwork, the meetings, and the meals, and it can create a magnified effect for relationship issues. 

So take some time to create those separations. Have a conversation with your partner about your previous de-stressors, and how you can create that feeling of separateness in order to still partake in them. 

Do you need to create a schedule in order to help uphold those times, and so one of you can keep an eye on the kids so the other can get work done or get some exercise in? If so, then talk to your partner openly about your needs. 

Discuss alone time. Commutes, time out with friends, and chats in the office break room with coworkers allow us to exist separately from our partners. But without those things, it can feel like we need to be together all the time because we are now in the same space 24/7 - but that is not the case. 

Our need for alone time is needed now more than ever before, so talk about it. Talk about what you’d like that to look like in your home, and how you can support one another’s needs. 

Think about having these conversations when things are neutral. Bringing them up in the heat of the moment often leads to blow-ups and misunderstandings. Avoid blaming and criticizing, and discuss the emotion that comes up for you when you aren’t able to do the things you once enjoyed, and make requests - ask for what you need from your partner to feel supported, and offer to reciprocate to help them feel more comfortable during this time. 

If this is something you could use more support with, please reach out! We are accepting new clients online, and are happy to help you improve the communication and connection with your partner! 

3 Reasons you SHOULD be Fighting

“But we never fight…”

When a couple I’m working with tells me this I am worried. 

More worried than when a couple tells me they fight constantly. 

Why? Because fighting is inevitable. Two people who come from two totally different backgrounds, upbringings, with different views and opinions are bound to disagree. It’s the nature of relationships, and having conflict is actually healthy. 

I am a very solution-focused therapist and that means that from the moment a couple walks in to see me, I want to know what needs to happen in order for them to feel better, and for them to say therapy is working for them. 

This usually means they’ll be having less explosive conflict, they’ll be feeling more connected, and as though they are able to manage their conflict better - not eliminate it. 

The measure is never, “we will stop fighting.” When you stop fighting that means there are things that aren’t being said. It means one or both of you is people pleasing, avoiding conflict, being passive aggressive, or harboring resentment. 

According to The Gottman Institute, 69% of all conflict is perpetual. Meaning there is no resolution to 69% of the arguments you will have with your partner. Meaning you’re going to fight about it until death do you part. No matter what type of couple you are. Even the “Master Couples”- the couples with the highest levels of satisfaction and connection, experience perpetual conflict at this same rate. 

So why should you be fighting? Let’s get into it shall we:

Reason #1 that you SHOULD be engaging in conflict with your partner is that conflict allows great opportunities for growth and intimacy. 

The goal isn’t to win or to get your partner to see things your way. The goal of a conflict is to reach a resolution. When you are able to fight with mutual respect and maintain the admiration you have for one another, conflict allows you to have open dialogue. It allows you to share you views and thoughts openly. 

Sharing openly requires some level of vulnerability, and vulnerability breads intimacy and closeness. 

Reason #2 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is that conflict provides an opportunity for you to learn more about your partner. 

This is one of my favorite things to witness as a therapist. When a couple is sitting across from me and they are going at it in conflict, I help them to peel back the layers and get in deep. Partners are often surprised at what they learn when they see their spouse like this. 

A fight about whether to leave the tv on or off as you fall asleep can turn into you hearing a story about how your partner was lonely at night while growing up because his mom worked nights and he used the tv to help calm him. 

Initially it may seem like a nuisance, and like he or she just isn’t respecting your sleep. But getting into a conflict and having open dialogue helps peel back the layers, and you or your partner may reveal something that the other had no idea about. 

Reason #3 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is conflict allows you to renew your commitment to the relationship. 

I think we all take our vow “for better or for worse,” hoping that the “worse” part never actually happens, maybe thinking we aren’t like everyone else, and we won’t even really need that part. 

But a lifetime is long, and conflict is inevitable. When it does arise and you meet it with mutual respect and gain understanding, looking back and being able to appreciate the ability to navigate that challenge alongside your partner helps to renew your commitment for one another. 

So while it might not feel like it, right smack, in the middle of your conflict, you can find appreciation for yourselves. The thought that in spite of you both being imperfect, you are still together, and continue to choose to be, is an amazing feeling. 

If you’re having trouble navigating arguments with your partner, and can’t seem to stop having the same arguments over and over, this could be a sign of gridlock which can be challenging to get out of. Or maybe you’re not arguing at all, and realizing it’s not as healthy as you once thought - either way, we are here to help. Feel free to reach out! 

2 Ways to Restore Trust

The road to rebuilding trust is a long one. It’s not for the faint of heart, and it takes commitment. If there’s been a trust violation in your relationship then this post is for you.

I bet you remember a time when trust was just there, it wasn't something you had to work for, or something your partner had to work for. In the beginning of relationships we typically go into them with a neutral playing field, and trust isn’t questioned - until it is.

Trust violations come in all different forms. In my practice I help couples work through some major trust violations such as infidelity. Some of the questions I often get in the first session when a couple discloses the trust violation that occurred is, “do you think this is fixable?”

That’s a pretty loaded question. One that I can’t readily answer based on what I learn in one 50-minute session. But that’s because it takes time to understand each partner’s investment in the relationship. If both partners are committed and are willing to really look at themselves and do the work in therapy, then yes, most things are fixable.

Another question I get asked often is, “do you consider this cheating?” I’ve had couples tell me about one partner creating a private social media account and flirting with the opposite sex and chatting through those accounts. I’ve had couples tell me about emotional affairs with coworkers that never become physical, but where love was professed and exchanged through emails. I’ve also sat with couples where one or both partners have had one night stands, or physical relationships outside the marriage for months or even years.

The point isn’t about what I think, or how I define cheating - and my answer is always the same: what does your partner think? If your partner defines your behavior as something that’s violated their trust, then that’s all that really matters.

So what do you do once the trust has been broken? How do you get it back?

Well, the first thing you need is patience. This doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen with one or even multiple “I’m sorries.”

Today I’m going to share 3 things you can do to restore trust in your relationship.

Let me just first start by saying that rebuilding trust can take months and even years in some cases, so if you’re looking for a quick fix, you’re not going to find it – but in the grand scheme of life, this is just a season in your relationship and commitment is about knowing  this relationship is your lifelong journey and no matter what, you’re going to do what it takes to make things work.

The two things I’m going to share with you represent only a short list of things that you can do to work on rebuilding trust and it might take some trial and error to get them right so patience is key!

Alright, let’s get into it, shall we?

The first thing you can do to rebuild trust in your relationship is to be open and honest. If you’ve been unfaithful and hurt your partner, the number one thing you can do is answer all of their questions openly, honestly, and without getting defensive.

If you screwed up you’ve gotta own that shit!

The biggest mistake people make is trying to protect their partner from the truth. They think, “if I just tell my partner a little bit of what happened, then they won’t be so hurt,” but what ends up happening is you give them a little, and then they bring it up again, and in that conversation you give a little more, and the next conversation, a little more.

Each time you give more than you did the first time, you negate any progress you’ve made. Your partner won’t see you as honest, and they will continue to sniff for clues, and pepper you with questions, expecting that there will be more they don’t yet know about - which keeps the cycle going.

It’s totally normal to want to shield your partner out of fear for hurting them, but it does much more damage in the long run so be open and honest from the get go.

Just as an aside – you might be wondering why your partner is asking the same questions over and over, maybe just in different ways. This is also very normal.

Betrayal is incredibly difficult to deal with. When your partner finds out you’ve cheated, they are really struggling to make sense of everything. The life that they thought they had, and the relationship they felt solid about is now no longer the same. They begin to question whether or not they ever really knew you because they were likely under the assumption that you’d never do something like that.

Asking the same questions over and over is a trauma response. When people’s lives get turned upside down, it’s just their attempt to make sense of what they once felt very normal about – the life and the relationship they didn’t question.

The second thing you can do to rebuild trust is to hold vigil for the relationship. This is a concept I talk about extensively when I’m helping a couple in therapy. Holding vigil for the relationship means that you hold the responsibility for bringing up the transgression.

As you work to communicate after an affair you’ll come to see the things that trigger your partner, and in those moments, it’s your duty to acknowledge that trigger and offer an apology, and the opportunity for them to talk.

For example, if you had extensive inappropriate text exchanges with someone outside of your relationship, it would be normal for your partner to feel triggered every time they see you on your phone. So the next time you’re texting on your phone – before you even see your partner become uncomfortable, you need to be the one to bring it up.

Say something like, “I’m sorry babe, I’m just responding to some work texts. I know this is a trigger for you, and if you want to talk, just know I’m here and I’m committed to working on our relationship.”

The worst thing you can do is try and fly under the radar, pray that your partner doesn’t bring it up, and move on even though you see their discomfort. You need to be empathetic to what your partner is going through – when a trigger comes up, betrayed partners get flooded with anxiety. Things might have been going well that day, and then this trigger comes up, and they struggle with whether to bring it up or not. Of course they don’t want to ruin a good day, but they are also afraid that things will get pushed under the rug, and you’ll forget about their pain. This is a really difficult position to be in, in addition to the hurt they have been dealing with because of the betrayal.     

Recovering from an affair is one of the most difficult things a couple can go through, but it is possible. Just remember what I said about the length of time it takes to rebuild trust, and don’t lose hope, because one of the best predictors of recovery is a couple’s ability to continue to hold hope for the relationship.

If that seems daunting, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. As a therapist I am the holder of hope, and the couple’s biggest cheerleader when they sit on my couch, and their hope is lost.

Needing therapy doesn’t mean that your relationship is over, it’s a sign that you are willing to try what you haven’t before to repair the damage that’s been done.

3 Ways to Improve Communication in Marriage

“We just need to improve our communication!” 

This is hands down, the number one thing couples tell me when they call for a consultation and want to start couples counseling.

So how do you improve your communication? 

Here are three things you can start doing TODAY in order to improve your communication with your partner. 

Too often couples get stuck in blame, criticism, and defensiveness. They say things like, “you ALWAYS do that,” or “you NEVER do what I ask.” 

The language that you use with your partner is meaningful, and it has the ability to escalate a conflict from something small to something monumental. This brings us to the first thing you can do to improve your communication, which is, use “I-statements.”

An “I-statement” is simply starting your communication with the word “I” rather than “you.” When you use “you” your partner’s natural reaction is to become defensive, so in order to be heard, begin with “I.”

“I feel,” “I need,” “I want,” are all perfect examples. If you are upset because you feel like your picking up most of the slack around the house, and could use some help, saying something like, “I feel like I’ve been doing a lot around the house lately, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I’d really like it if you could help me a bit more by making sure all of the dishes are done at the end of the night.”

Notice in this example, there is no finger pointing, and the use of “I” is less likely to create defensiveness on your partner’s part. It allows for the ability to respond to the feeling and the request. 

This brings me to the second thing you can do to improve your communication, which is, talk about the way something made you feel when bringing up an issue with your partner. 

If you’re upset with your partner about something ask yourself what emotion is being evoked by their action. A typical response is anger, however, anger is a secondary emotion, it’s what’s on the surface. If you sit with your anger and go deeper, under anger is typically hurt, sadness, frustration, loneliness, or embarrassment. 

When you express a feeling that is yours. Your feelings are your own, and can’t be argued with. If you tell your partner you feel sad, they can’t really argue that you don’t, which is why this is a really great way to be heard and to have more effective communication. 

Using the previous example, letting your partner know that you are feeling overwhelmed by housework is one way to express this. You might also say, “I’m feeling really stressed,” or “I’m a little hurt because I feel like we aren’t on the same team when it comes to tackling stuff around the house.” 

Own your feelings and express them to your partner. 

The next way you can improve your communication is by being curious rather than accusatory. 

If an issue arises - get clarification. Be curious about what it is that happened and where your partner was coming from before accusing them of a behavior. 

Understanding their intention goes a long way and once you do that, you may still be upset, but it can keep your conflict from escalating quicker than it needs to. After you are able to clarify by asking questions and being curious, then you can use the previous two tips to express how the issue made you feel. 

Adopting new behaviors and changing old ones takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and your partner when learning new ways of communicating, because you may have been stuck in those negative patterns for years! Change is not impossible, no matter how long you’ve been together!