3 Reasons you SHOULD be Fighting

“But we never fight…”

When a couple I’m working with tells me this I am worried. 

More worried than when a couple tells me they fight constantly. 

Why? Because fighting is inevitable. Two people who come from two totally different backgrounds, upbringings, with different views and opinions are bound to disagree. It’s the nature of relationships, and having conflict is actually healthy. 

I am a very solution-focused therapist and that means that from the moment a couple walks in to see me, I want to know what needs to happen in order for them to feel better, and for them to say therapy is working for them. 

This usually means they’ll be having less explosive conflict, they’ll be feeling more connected, and as though they are able to manage their conflict better - not eliminate it. 

The measure is never, “we will stop fighting.” When you stop fighting that means there are things that aren’t being said. It means one or both of you is people pleasing, avoiding conflict, being passive aggressive, or harboring resentment. 

According to The Gottman Institute, 69% of all conflict is perpetual. Meaning there is no resolution to 69% of the arguments you will have with your partner. Meaning you’re going to fight about it until death do you part. No matter what type of couple you are. Even the “Master Couples”- the couples with the highest levels of satisfaction and connection, experience perpetual conflict at this same rate. 

So why should you be fighting? Let’s get into it shall we:

Reason #1 that you SHOULD be engaging in conflict with your partner is that conflict allows great opportunities for growth and intimacy. 

The goal isn’t to win or to get your partner to see things your way. The goal of a conflict is to reach a resolution. When you are able to fight with mutual respect and maintain the admiration you have for one another, conflict allows you to have open dialogue. It allows you to share you views and thoughts openly. 

Sharing openly requires some level of vulnerability, and vulnerability breads intimacy and closeness. 

Reason #2 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is that conflict provides an opportunity for you to learn more about your partner. 

This is one of my favorite things to witness as a therapist. When a couple is sitting across from me and they are going at it in conflict, I help them to peel back the layers and get in deep. Partners are often surprised at what they learn when they see their spouse like this. 

A fight about whether to leave the tv on or off as you fall asleep can turn into you hearing a story about how your partner was lonely at night while growing up because his mom worked nights and he used the tv to help calm him. 

Initially it may seem like a nuisance, and like he or she just isn’t respecting your sleep. But getting into a conflict and having open dialogue helps peel back the layers, and you or your partner may reveal something that the other had no idea about. 

Reason #3 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is conflict allows you to renew your commitment to the relationship. 

I think we all take our vow “for better or for worse,” hoping that the “worse” part never actually happens, maybe thinking we aren’t like everyone else, and we won’t even really need that part. 

But a lifetime is long, and conflict is inevitable. When it does arise and you meet it with mutual respect and gain understanding, looking back and being able to appreciate the ability to navigate that challenge alongside your partner helps to renew your commitment for one another. 

So while it might not feel like it, right smack, in the middle of your conflict, you can find appreciation for yourselves. The thought that in spite of you both being imperfect, you are still together, and continue to choose to be, is an amazing feeling. 

If you’re having trouble navigating arguments with your partner, and can’t seem to stop having the same arguments over and over, this could be a sign of gridlock which can be challenging to get out of. Or maybe you’re not arguing at all, and realizing it’s not as healthy as you once thought - either way, we are here to help. Feel free to reach out! 

2 Ways to Restore Trust

The road to rebuilding trust is a long one. It’s not for the faint of heart, and it takes commitment. If there’s been a trust violation in your relationship then this post is for you.

I bet you remember a time when trust was just there, it wasn't something you had to work for, or something your partner had to work for. In the beginning of relationships we typically go into them with a neutral playing field, and trust isn’t questioned - until it is.

Trust violations come in all different forms. In my practice I help couples work through some major trust violations such as infidelity. Some of the questions I often get in the first session when a couple discloses the trust violation that occurred is, “do you think this is fixable?”

That’s a pretty loaded question. One that I can’t readily answer based on what I learn in one 50-minute session. But that’s because it takes time to understand each partner’s investment in the relationship. If both partners are committed and are willing to really look at themselves and do the work in therapy, then yes, most things are fixable.

Another question I get asked often is, “do you consider this cheating?” I’ve had couples tell me about one partner creating a private social media account and flirting with the opposite sex and chatting through those accounts. I’ve had couples tell me about emotional affairs with coworkers that never become physical, but where love was professed and exchanged through emails. I’ve also sat with couples where one or both partners have had one night stands, or physical relationships outside the marriage for months or even years.

The point isn’t about what I think, or how I define cheating - and my answer is always the same: what does your partner think? If your partner defines your behavior as something that’s violated their trust, then that’s all that really matters.

So what do you do once the trust has been broken? How do you get it back?

Well, the first thing you need is patience. This doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen with one or even multiple “I’m sorries.”

Today I’m going to share 3 things you can do to restore trust in your relationship.

Let me just first start by saying that rebuilding trust can take months and even years in some cases, so if you’re looking for a quick fix, you’re not going to find it – but in the grand scheme of life, this is just a season in your relationship and commitment is about knowing  this relationship is your lifelong journey and no matter what, you’re going to do what it takes to make things work.

The two things I’m going to share with you represent only a short list of things that you can do to work on rebuilding trust and it might take some trial and error to get them right so patience is key!

Alright, let’s get into it, shall we?

The first thing you can do to rebuild trust in your relationship is to be open and honest. If you’ve been unfaithful and hurt your partner, the number one thing you can do is answer all of their questions openly, honestly, and without getting defensive.

If you screwed up you’ve gotta own that shit!

The biggest mistake people make is trying to protect their partner from the truth. They think, “if I just tell my partner a little bit of what happened, then they won’t be so hurt,” but what ends up happening is you give them a little, and then they bring it up again, and in that conversation you give a little more, and the next conversation, a little more.

Each time you give more than you did the first time, you negate any progress you’ve made. Your partner won’t see you as honest, and they will continue to sniff for clues, and pepper you with questions, expecting that there will be more they don’t yet know about - which keeps the cycle going.

It’s totally normal to want to shield your partner out of fear for hurting them, but it does much more damage in the long run so be open and honest from the get go.

Just as an aside – you might be wondering why your partner is asking the same questions over and over, maybe just in different ways. This is also very normal.

Betrayal is incredibly difficult to deal with. When your partner finds out you’ve cheated, they are really struggling to make sense of everything. The life that they thought they had, and the relationship they felt solid about is now no longer the same. They begin to question whether or not they ever really knew you because they were likely under the assumption that you’d never do something like that.

Asking the same questions over and over is a trauma response. When people’s lives get turned upside down, it’s just their attempt to make sense of what they once felt very normal about – the life and the relationship they didn’t question.

The second thing you can do to rebuild trust is to hold vigil for the relationship. This is a concept I talk about extensively when I’m helping a couple in therapy. Holding vigil for the relationship means that you hold the responsibility for bringing up the transgression.

As you work to communicate after an affair you’ll come to see the things that trigger your partner, and in those moments, it’s your duty to acknowledge that trigger and offer an apology, and the opportunity for them to talk.

For example, if you had extensive inappropriate text exchanges with someone outside of your relationship, it would be normal for your partner to feel triggered every time they see you on your phone. So the next time you’re texting on your phone – before you even see your partner become uncomfortable, you need to be the one to bring it up.

Say something like, “I’m sorry babe, I’m just responding to some work texts. I know this is a trigger for you, and if you want to talk, just know I’m here and I’m committed to working on our relationship.”

The worst thing you can do is try and fly under the radar, pray that your partner doesn’t bring it up, and move on even though you see their discomfort. You need to be empathetic to what your partner is going through – when a trigger comes up, betrayed partners get flooded with anxiety. Things might have been going well that day, and then this trigger comes up, and they struggle with whether to bring it up or not. Of course they don’t want to ruin a good day, but they are also afraid that things will get pushed under the rug, and you’ll forget about their pain. This is a really difficult position to be in, in addition to the hurt they have been dealing with because of the betrayal.     

Recovering from an affair is one of the most difficult things a couple can go through, but it is possible. Just remember what I said about the length of time it takes to rebuild trust, and don’t lose hope, because one of the best predictors of recovery is a couple’s ability to continue to hold hope for the relationship.

If that seems daunting, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. As a therapist I am the holder of hope, and the couple’s biggest cheerleader when they sit on my couch, and their hope is lost.

Needing therapy doesn’t mean that your relationship is over, it’s a sign that you are willing to try what you haven’t before to repair the damage that’s been done.

10 At-Home Date Ideas

Did you do it? Did you forget that today is Valentine’s Day?? Dun..dun..dun… 

I hope not! I hope you had those dinner reservations made weeks in advance, had your flowers ordered, and I hope you’ve had those chocolates so long you’ve eaten one or two ;)

Or maybe you ascribe to the, “I’m not celebrating this commercial holiday,” camp. 

Orrrr maybe you’d love to go out, but instead you’re home without a babysitter, and are in need of some at-home date ideas that are more fun and creative than the old, Netflix & chill. 

Either way, I’m going to help you out, because unless you’re new around here, you know how much I stress the importance of dating your partner - no matter how many years you’ve been together. Today I want to share 10 date ideas that you can do from the comfort of your own home, that take minimal preparation, but will produce maximum connection. So put those kiddos to bed, and create some time and space to date your partner!

Date idea #1: Have a picnic. Right in your living room. Get some of those fancy ass cheeses from the grocery store, some wine, and whatever else you know your partner loves and lay out a blanket and set the stage for the perfect at-home picnic. 

Date idea #2: Have an adult game night. Just the two of you. You can get down on the classics - Monopoly, Scrabble, or whatever card games float your boat, or you can also get creative with some adult trivia or drinking games. 

Date idea #3: Cook something together. As in, the two of you in the kitchen, helping one another. Try a new recipe, and work together to create a dish you’ll both enjoy and then, bon appetit! 

Date idea #4: Dance party! Make a playlist of songs that remind you of your partner and your relationship, invite your partner to do the same and spend an evening dancing or signing to your favorite songs together. 

Date idea #5: Get creative and color, draw, or paint together. Get an adult coloring book or look up a paint tutorial. Create your own paint and sip night at home - have a couple of drinks and summon your inner Van Goughs for the night. 

Date idea #6: Get your sweat on - exercise or do yoga together. Look up a workout you’d both like to do on YouTube and get sweating. 

Date idea #7: Take turns giving massages. Invest in some nice massage oil, check out an online tutorial, and light some candles. Give whole body massages, or just hand or foot massages to each other. 

Date idea #8: Read a book of poems or short stories together. Take turns reading to each other and discuss each poem or story between readings. 

Date idea #9: Have a spa night at home. Take a bath together, put on some face masks, and have some relaxation time. 

Date idea #10: Movie night with a twist. Have you ever had the “I can’t believe you’ve NEVER seen that movie” conversation? My husband has it with me a couple times a year, because I’ve never actually seen Back to the Future (even though I pretend I have). Each of you write down a handful of movies that you can’t believe the other hasn’t seen, put them in a bowl, pick one, and enjoy. (My husband has never seen Dirty Dancing, so we’re even!) 

Dating your partner doesn’t have to break the bank. It’s really just about having fun together, sometimes getting out of your comfort zone, and thinking outside the box. Nurturing your friendship and connection needs to happen no matter what phase of life you’re in, it just takes creating the space for it.

Is your Cell Phone Killing your Intimacy?

Are you addicted to your cell phone? Do you go to bed with it at night, and wake up with it in the morning?

Technology is a part of life, and it can be such an amazing tool that can really enhance your life, but what happens when it starts to do the opposite? Can you tell if you really are addicted, and if it's killing the intimacy in your relationship?

In this week’s post I’m going to share signs that you should look for to help you identify cell phone addiction, ways to kill the addiction so you can enhance the intimacy in your relationship, and ways to talk to your partner if you suspect they are the one who's addicted to their phone.

According to PsychGuides.com, 90% of adults in America own a cell phone, and 67% of smartphone users have admitted to checking their phones when it didn't even ring or vibrate.

So if everyone has one, and we're all using them, you might be wondering, "what's the big deal??"

l'll admit I love my iPhone - I love having it with me so that I can easily capture memories through videos and photos of my kids, family, and friends. I love scrolling through social media to see what my family and friends are up to, and I love that I have this really awesome tool available at my fingertips to look up whatever information I need, when I need it. I used it just a second ago to find that statistic I shared with you.

You don't need me to tell you all of the amazing benefits of these tiny computers we're all carrying around.

But I have noticed a major trend in my practice - I would say about 75% of the couples l'm working with have at one point stated that their partner's cell phone usage has gotten on their nerves, caused fights, or made them feel isolated or alone, and I think that's a big deal. 

So while your phone can help you connect with people across the world, that's doing little for your relationship with the person sitting right next to you.

There's a lot of new research coming out about the way technology is impacting our kids and their development. I hear a lot of adults stressing over limiting screen time for their kids, but the truth is, it starts with the examples we lead as adults. 

I'm sure you've seen some of these memes on social media:

So how can you tell if you or your partner is addicted to your cell phone?

As of the time of this writing (January, 2020), there is no clinical diagnosis for technology or cell phone addiction in the DSM - (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) - which is the bible of diagnoses. However some of the things you should be aware of come from a comparison to gambling addiction which is behavioral and was added to the DSM's most recent edition. The criteria include:

1. A need to use the cell phone more and more often in order to achieve the same desired effect - think about this like a tolerance to any substance

2. Failed attempts try to stop using, or to use the phone less 

3. Preoccupation with smartphone use

4. Turning to your phone when experiencing unwanted feelings like anxiety or depression

5. Excessive use to the point of experiencing a loss of time

6. The need for the newest cell phone or apps

7. Feelings of withdrawal when your cell phone is unreachable - You might feel anger, depression, irritability, or restlessness.

PsychGuides.com has a great little self-assessment that you can do to see if you’re really addicted to your phone. You don't have to exhibit all 7 of the signs I listed either, you only need 4 out of those to consider it a true addiction. 

And maybe you don't even have 4, but have heard your partner complain about your cell phone usage? If that is the case, a change in your behavior might be in order, because it doesn't necessarily need to be a full-blown addiction to impact the intimacy in your relationship.

Ok so now that we've established that, let's talk about ways to change these behaviors so you can increase the intimacy between you and your partner, and stop looking like this: 

Quitting anything cold turkey is almost impossible, and since you really want to create lasting change, I recommend the following instead: 

One of the best things you can do is create sectioned off parts of your life that are free from technology, that you can also designate as time with your partner.

It's easiest to do this by associating this time with things you already do everyday. For example, eating, getting ready for bed, watching TV or a movie together. 

Designating those as cell phone free times will be helpful, and the more you do it and get those good hormones going in your brain from the increased connection with your partner, the easier it will get.

You can also create new rituals of connection with your partner, like a 15-minute check-in at the end of the day where you sit on the patio or couch (all phone free of course) and have a conversation about your day. 

So what if you feel like you’re ok with putting your phone down, but are irritated by your partner’s excessive usage? 

In this case, the first thing you need to do is keep leading by example. In addition to that, having a conversation, not in the moment - I mean not immediately after you get upset with them for ignoring you once again while they scroll through their IG feed. This conversation should take place at a neutral time when both of you are feeling good and not flooded. 

This conversation should include “I-statements.” Let your partner know how it feels when you are being ignored because they are on the phone excessively. Name the feeling for your partner - I feel sad, alone, isolated, etc. and then make a request. Ask for cell phone free time during specific activities or let them know you really want to have a check-in time every day and want it to be screen free. After you have that conversation give them grace as they adjust, and gently remind them if you see them pick up their phone during a cell phone free time. Shaming and criticism is definitely not the route to take when asking for you partner to change behavior. 

What is Couples Counseling REALLY Like?

Why would I want to spend a bunch of money for someone to tell us what our problems are, or for you to just try and convince some stranger that I’m a terrible partner?? Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

Couples therapy can sometimes seem like a mysterious process, and if you've never experienced it before, you might be wondering what it's all about. Keep reading, because today I'm going to break it all down for you!

Therapy is kind of a mystery because #1, it's confidential - so most people don't talk about what actually goes on behind that closed door. #2, it's really different for everyone because no two people or couples are alike. 

In addition to those two factors, no two therapists are alike. I seriously dislike 99% of all therapists that you might see in movies or on TV. I mean, have you seen the therapist on YOU?? The media does a terrible job at depicting us.

If you are curious about what a good example of therapy looks like, I highly recommend the book, Maybe you should talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. She's a therapist who gives a behind the scenes look at a therapist’s world, and in the book, she also tells the story of her own therapy (because yes, therapists also go to therapy because we know the value.) But what I love about this book is her humor and candor! 

Anyhoo, I digress... 

All therapists are not created equal, and we all have different ways that we run our practices, and what we call, theoretical orientations - which is kind of like the lens in which we see and focus on things with our clients.

I personally specialize in working with couples, and have dedicated the last 10 years to learning and really honing my skills in this area. 

I'm trained in a couple of different orientations - but the one I use most in my work with couples is the Gottman Method, and I mention them a lot in my blogs. This method is backed by years of research and when couples are all-in, and are dedicated to doing the work in, and out of session, they see some awesome results!

So what is couples therapy actually like? Let me walk you through MY process, because remember, not all therapists work the same way, so I can only really speak to my own process: 

In the first session I ask very similar questions when I'm meeting a couple for the first time. I want to know what their goals are for counseling, and I ask what their relationship will look like 3-6 months from now if therapy is working for them - what changes do they want to see?

In the first session I also get a relationship history. I want to know how they met, and all of the significant milestones in the relationship like the dating period, engagement, marriage, moving in together, having kids, jobs, relocations, etc.

I also talk to the couple about what's brought them in to counseling and ask them to discuss what they have done in the past to try to remedy these issues. When we discuss their current issues, couples typically get into an argument and I allow it because I’m assessing their communication and the patterns they get into.

Couples usually have a sort of dance that they do, arguments typically start the same, the middle looks similar, and then they usually end the same. So in order for me to best help them, I need to understand what that pattern looks like.

At no point during this or any of my sessions with couples do I play referee.I think this is a really common misconception about couples therapy. The therapist isn't there to say who's right and who they think is wrong, and they aren't there to try to get your partner to see it your way. That would just be a big waste of everyone's time and energy because that doesn't produce lasting change.

After that first session I send my couples the Relationship Checkup- it's an extensive background questionnaire that measures various aspects of the relationship like communication and connection patterns. They complete this assessment at home and then they each come in for an individual session with me.

In the individual sessions I talk with clients about their personal histories and backgrounds because this plays a huge role in the way each person relates and interacts in the relationship.

After that I have them come back as a couple. In that couples session I compile all of the info that l've gathered from the conversations I’ve had with them and all of the results from their Relationship Checkup, and I discuss a plan with them. We talk about what a really strong and healthy relationship looks like, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and what its going to take to get them where they want to be. 

And then we dive in from there.

This roadmap looks different for every couple based on their specific needs and issues.

But as an example, if a couple is really struggling with having a lot of conflict, the work is going to be about ways they can manage their conflict more appropriately. This happens over the course of many sessions with them bringing up conflicts they are having at home. 

Sometimes they will describe the issue and get back into it on my couch and I will help them slow down and understand various patterns they are falling into. I give them the tools to try and work on the issues in and out of sessions. 

So that, in a very large nutshell is what couples therapy looks like. If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to reach out!