Getting to the emotion and Getting your message heard by your Partner

When you’re going through it with your partner, and there’s an ongoing argument or issue, it can be so easy to get caught up in the words that are being said. You might start an argument about something that was said that didn’t sit well with you, but end up dissecting the words, or focusing on the time and place an incident happened.

What you wanted to talk about doesn’t get addressed, and you end the argument and go to bed angry because things just weren’t going anywhere. But where did you go wrong?

If you’ve ever worked with me, you know one of my favorite questions to ask is, “but what’s the feeling behind that?” I tend to get a little excited about this question, and typically say this with emphasis because I think the answer is what leads to the magic in a relationship.

It’s the key to truly getting your message heard, and getting a response from your partner that may change the course of an argument, and a skill that can change how you fight in the future.

When you begin an argument with your partner, the way that you engage in that argument can happen in many different ways. Couples tend to do a sort of dance, where their arguments take on a familiar pattern.

Your pattern might be: I’m angry with my partner for (fill in this blank with something like, I’m feeling ignored in the relationship), so I’m going to pick a fight about (fill in the blank here with something completely unrelated, such as not putting the laundry in the dryer), your partner engages in this unrelated argument, and you take this as an opportunity to fight about the laundry, but also throw in a piece about feeling ignored. Your partner ignores the part about being ignored, and becomes upset because he/she’s tired of being criticized. You both become tired of arguing. No solution is reached, and you go to bed angry because you’ve run out of things to say. In the morning you go about your days, hardly saying a word, and as the day goes on, you forget about the argument and go back to business as usual.  

In this scenario, the issue that was really bothering you was never addressed or even really discussed with your partner. When you don’t get the things that bother you addressed or resolved in your relationship, it becomes like a thorn in your side, and can cause that dirty little word – resentment.

The land of resentment is a dangerous place to be in your relationship because it greatly impacts the way you love and interact with your partner, and it can sometimes be difficult to initially detect.

Avoiding Resentment by getting to the feeling

Let’s go back and redo that argument in a more productive way: I’m angry with my partner for (fill in this blank with something like, I’m feeling ignored in the relationship), so I’m going to address the issue head-on, you engage your partner in a conversation where you talk about feeling ignored in the relationship, and how it makes you feel. Instead of picking an argument about something unrelated, you get to the feeling and say something like, “I’ve been feeling sad lately, and like I’m being ignored by you. This makes me feel like I’m not important to you.”

Going to the feeling, and openly sharing that with your partner gives them the opportunity to respond to your emotion. In 99% of cases, your partner isn’t trying to hurt your feelings, and will respond with concern when given the opportunity. This opens up an opportunity for you to make a request about their behavior moving forward, and clarify what you need.  

Simple, right? While it’s easy for me to write out this simple formula, it’s often more difficult to do and takes practice. It’s easy to get caught up in building your argument, and fear of vulnerability sets in at times when you get to the point where you share your feelings. But my hope is that you can ask yourself, “what’s the most important thing that I need to communicate to my partner in this scenario?” Hint: it’s your feeling behind what’s happened; the emotion it’s evoked.

If you find that you get caught up in other things and have difficulty understanding and getting to your feelings, I’d love to help. Couples counseling can be a great way to improve your communication skills together, and get your relationship back on track. Give me a call at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation.

Break-up, to Make-up. When do we call it quits? + Bonus Video!

Whether you love them or hate them, you can’t cross a checkout stand without catching a glimpse of the latest Kardashian drama. In the wake of Kloe and Lamar’s latest drama, and reconciliation, many are wondering if calling off their divorce is a good idea. While their case may seem extreme, these things do happen to people who aren’t celebrities, but when is it a good idea to reconcile, and when do you call it quits? 

The answer to this question is different for every couple, and when marriage and children are involved, that adds additional variables to the equation and typically keeps people together longer and trying to work through the issue. I’ve put together a list of things that could be considered deal-breakers, and that I recommend seeking counseling for:

1.    You don’t feel valued or respected for the person that you are.

When you don’t feel as though you can show up in your relationship as your true, authentic self for fear of the negative reaction or judgment of your partner, this may be a sign of deeper issues that should be explored and discussed. Things like differences in values, life-goals, and roles can cause arguments and disagreements, but seeking a therapist in order to assist you in uncovering the root of this issue can be beneficial.

2.    You aren’t the only one.

Although the research shows that more and more couples are staying together after infidelity, it can be difficult to weather this storm. It takes two people who are ready to look at themselves, take responsibility for what lead to the affair, and come to an agreement as to what the relationship will look like going forward. This can be a new start to a new relationship, but one that won’t come easy, and therapy can help speed things up a bit in terms of the conversations that need to be had in order to get to a better place.

3.    You aren’t fighting fair.

When fights look like all-out, gloves off brawls, this can be extremely destructive to your relationship. Things like name-calling, put-downs, and an inability to argue about just one thing are all signs that you may be doing irreparable damage to your relationship. These types of arguments often cause resentment, and over time that resentment leads to separation and divorce. Therapy can be a great place to learn how to fight fair.

4.    Harmful habits are taking over.  

If your partner is unable to get a handle on a harmful addiction, this is definitely a good time to seek help from an outsider. When your life is endangered due to the risky behaviors of your partner, or you feel like the addiction is consuming a majority of your interactions, it’s time to take a look at the relationship and consider making some major changes. Addictions can be tricky, but ultimately the responsibility for making changes falls on the addict, and playing the waiting game without becoming an enabler can cause a huge amount of stress.

5.    Trust is broken and irreparable.

Trust is one of the most important factors in any relationship, and when it becomes broken for any reason, it can take a great amount of time, effort, and dedication to restore. If you feel as though the trust has been lost in your relationship, and it happens more than once, going through that restoration process once more can take a huge toll, and make the process longer and more difficult with each go-around. Doing the same thing over and over again in hopes of a different result is sometimes called insanity, and while I wouldn’t consider it that severe, I definitely think it’s exhausting, and getting support to assist in sorting through trust issues can be helpful.

With any of these deal-breakers, deciding to stay in the relationship and work on things is a personal preference.  Seeking assistance from a therapist can help you cut down on the amount of time you might spend working through things on your own, and help you to uncover things that can assist you in making the decision to end the relationship.

When clients decide that they are in fact going to end their relationships while in therapy, the splits typically happen in a more amicable fashion, and one or both partners can continue to receive support. If you can use support with any the issues mentioned above, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to give me a call at (909) 226-6124 for a free 15-mintue consultation where we can talk about ways you might benefit from therapy.

As a bonus this week, I’ve included a video follow-up to last week’s blog post where I discuss a few tips for communicating with your partner, if you feel they’ve crossed a boundary in your relationship. You can check it out below: 

Adultery, Infidelity, Cheating. When am I crossing the Line?

In my practice I meet with couples who are struggling to have the happy, healthy relationship they dreamed of when they said, “I do.” Often times each partner has a different expectation and they aren’t meeting in the middle. When it comes to infidelity, I often get asked, “what’s considered cheating?”

Is it a lap dance at a bachelor party? A visit to a porn site? A flirty text, phone call, or facebook message with an old boyfriend? Do you have to have sex for it to be considered cheating?

These questions often arise in my work with couples, and as much as I’d love to give a definitive answer on each, that’s not my place, and my answer is always the same – it depends.

Depending on your background and history with cheating, your feeling of security in the relationship, and feeling of connectedness with your partner, your answers will likely be different than the next persons, and may even be different than your partner’s.

The most important thing is for you to talk with your partner about your expectations, what makes you feel insecure, and what’s definitely crossing the line. Having these conversations early on can be extremely helpful as you navigate the hills and valleys of life with your partner.

Of course this is best-case scenario, and I know not everyone reading this is in the beginning stages of their relationship. So what if that line’s already been crossed? The most important piece in working through infidelity – whatever the form, is recognizing what was occurring for each of you leading up to the act.

Each partner has a contribution. And I know if you’ve been cheated on by your partner, you may be saying, WTF?? It’s often difficult to see your contribution to an affair, and I totally understand that this may sound crazy if you haven’t crossed that line yourself, but stay with me.

Partners who don’t cheat, but are distant in some other way can also cause damage to the relationship without realizing it. By no means am I condoning an affair, and it’s not about one partner “deserving it,” but it’s about recognizing habits that can cause distance and a need to search elsewhere.

Getting to the point where each partner is able to see their contribution can feel like going through hell and back. But once it’s done, it can be an amazing starting-off point for creating a new relationship where each partner is clear on what they want in the relationship, and how they need to relate to one another in order to keep an infidelity from happening again.

People cheat for many different reasons, but in most cases they are looking for something they aren’t feeling. It isn’t always about the act itself. If you’re teetering on crossing that line, ask yourself what you’re looking for that you’re not getting from your relationship, and have a conversation with your partner about it.

If you’re struggling to have that conversation, I’d love to help. You can contact me at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation where we can discuss ways to get you back on track, and how you might benefit from couples counseling. 

I’m Sorry! Tips for an appropriate Apology

We’ve all been there, you have a fight with your partner, and whether it’s about something big or small, when it’s all said and done you have that icky feeling in your gut, and you know that it’s time to apologize.

You swallow your pride, and take a stab at “I’m sorry,” but things go horribly wrong, and round 2 ensues. As you start your fight all over again, you think “what the hell?? I said sorry!” 

Chances are, the apology was either premature, or not executed properly. Here are a few things to consider when crafting an appropriate apology:

Before you utter those two powerful words, ask yourself - What am I apologizing for?

As a therapist I can tell you, there’s nothing worse than sitting in session with a couple and hearing one partner say, “I’m sorry you felt that way.”

An apology is taking action for something you did, said, or thought, and so you can’t apologize for someone else’s feelings. When you do apologize for another’s feelings it has a negative connotation and sends the message that their feelings aren’t important.

Understanding your part in what’s taken place might take some time, and while you might not feel you did anything wrong, the bottom line is your partner had a negative reaction to what was said or done, so take some time to think about your part in the matter and go from there.

A premature apology can do more harm than good. If you’re still upset or angry, and yell out, “I’M SORRY!” you’re not likely to get the best response.

The look on your face, the positioning of your body, and the sound of your voice all have to be in line with the message you’re trying to convey.

If you’re still angry, and not truly sorry for what you’ve said, then don’t apologize. But do take some time away to collect yourself, calm down, and get in the right headspace so you can come back with all things aligned.

An appropriate apology starts with you and ends with a suggestion for ways to create a different outcome in the future.

No one likes hearing someone tell them they’re sorry for something they did, just to have them do it over again. If you’re sorry for name-calling or blaming, then own it, and come up with ways that you’ll avoid doing it in the future.

If it means taking yourself out of a certain situation, or asking for time alone when you feel yourself getting to that point, then practice asking for what you need, and doing so in a way that shows respect to both you and your partner.

Arguments in relationships are inevitable. We don’t always see eye to eye, and that’s ok because that’s what makes us individuals. But when we do something to cause our partner hurt, a great apology can go a long way, and it can be the start of great conversation that will lead to better outcomes in the future. 

If you know you have an apology due, I hope these tips were helpful, and you can become a master of the appropriate apology! Don't forget to share by hitting the button below :)

How to love your wife the way you love your sports team, and the benefits you'll reap

There's nothing like the sound of whistles blowing, quarterbacks hut-hut-hiking, and helmet hitting helmet. Football season in the U.S. is upon us. 

What also accompanies these sounds are the sounds of screaming, yelling of obscenities, pacing, celebratory dancing, and the occasional throwing of the tv remote - and I know that's not just a Monday night in my house! 

And while I'd like to throw out a few clinical diagnoses to justify my annoyance with my husband's overly enthusiastic choice of words, I refrain and remind myself it will only last until February.... Only. Six. More. Months... 

I know there are some ladies out there who are just as passionate about their sports teams, and who can spiritedly object to a bad call with the best of them, so this can apply to you as well:

What if you loved your partner with as much passion as you love your sports team? I want to give you a few tips on how to make that happen. 

Make date night plans the way you make game-day plans.

When there’s an important game coming up you make sure your schedule is clear, call your buddies and discuss the line-up, where you’ll be watching, and whose turn it is to bring the beer.

Date night should look similar. Talk to your partner, make sure you’re on the same page, schedules are clear, and take the initiative to plan with enthusiasm. Make a dinner reservation and arrange for childcare if necessary.

Approach your date night the way you approach game time. 

When it's game time, nothing stands in your way of making it home in time for kick-off. You make sure to have your choice beverage and snack in hand before that ball is kicked.  

Maybe in an emergency situation you aren't able to make it home on time, but you're listening to AM radio all the way home, and catching up on what you missed on Sports Center after the game. 

Date night should look similar.  Treat it as though it’s something that absolutely can’t be missed, something you treasure, and something you look forward to all week.

On the rare occasion that you're running late because you get stuck at work, call and talk to your sweet heart all the way to the restaurant, because that conversation is just too precious to miss out on. 

Belong to your relationship the way you belong to your sports team.

When your team is struggling, and the refs are making all the wrong calls, you enthusiastically jump in and stick up for your team, because after all, WE have worked hard all season, and WE aren’t putting up with this!  

When your partner is struggling to keep up with the demands of work, home, family, and everything else life is throwing at the moment, it’s time to step it up, and jump in the way you do for your team.

There doesn’t have to be as many 4-letter words involved, but volunteering with gusto to walk the dog or make the call back to your kid’s teacher will go a long way.

Have you heard the saying, “foreplay starts outside of the bedroom?” Trust me on this one, guys!

Translate that passion into your relationship language.

Even when it’s not game day, you're checking stats, catching up on the status of injured players, and watching highlights from games you missed.  

You talk football at the water cooler and proudly clothe yourself in your team’s colors at the weekend BBQ.

Now I’m not asking you to wear an “I love my wife” t-shirt with her picture on it to the next company picnic, but checking in on your wife’s stats the way you would your team’s will score you some major bonus points.  

Asking about how she’s feeling about her annoying coworker, or the latest episode of Scandal just shows that you care about her world, and she’s a priority in your life. And while you may not love shows with strong female leads, it really isn’t about the show, it’s about showing up and showing you appreciate her inner thoughts.

Translating that passion you show for your team into the words you use with your partner can be totally flattering and surprising if it isn’t something she’s used to.

“I freakin love you!” is a little different than the usual “love ya babe,” so at the risk of being vulnerable, just go for it, because she knows you have more than a passionate bone in your body – she’s witness to your Monday, Thursday, and/or Sunday salutes to your team, so get creative and let the passion show!

Who are you rooting for this season? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below, and want to know what you’re gonna do this season to show up in your relationship.