Should you go to bed angry?

Let's bust a big fat myth today…

I’m sure you’ve heard that the best way to have a great marriage is to never go to bed angry. 

It’s concerning to me that couples will literally stay up all night going around and around with the same argument because they are trying to stick to this rule. 

I dunno about you but that sounds like a one-way ticket to complete exhaustion and a week of trying to make up for lost sleep. 

This rule is damaging because it doesn’t take into account the amount of damage that can be done by continuing to fight when you’re dysregulated. It doesn’t take into account the quality of communication that you’re having. You could be yelling, throwing things, name calling, and giving the silent treatment.

When couples start working with us not only do they learn how to regulate their emotions, but they understand their body’s warning signals that tell them when they are starting to become dysregulated. 

They learn how to call time-outs and how to respect one another’s requests to stop.  They learn how to return to the conversation when they are feeling more in control of their emotions. 

Our couples learn how to have conflict and still feel connected and loving. 

They don’t turn into enemies and they actually come to agreements about the things they are fighting about. 

There’s no more pushing things under the rug, walking on eggshells, or silent treatment. 

If you want to stop having marathon fights and learn how to improve your communication…

Click HERE and book your free 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you started with a couples expert and help you stop the marathon fights that go nowhere. 

12 Ways to Affair-proof your Marriage

In the craziness of your daily lives, it's common for couples to forget to give their marriage some TLC. You know, life gets busy, and we get caught up in the whirlwind. 

But here's the deal – taking care of your relationship is a big deal!

In my practice, I help couples recover from affairs and other trust violations. Part of the process is understanding how they got to the place where an affair was a possibility.

 I want to share the nitty-gritty stuff you can do to keep your marriage strong. We're talking about building a fortress against potential relationship hiccups and the devastation of infidelity. So here are 12 things you can do to affair-proof your marriage: 

 1. Make Your Marriage the #1 Priority:

Start by acknowledging that your marriage should be your top priority. Open a sincere conversation with your spouse. Discuss what you both can do to keep your relationship at the forefront of your lives.

 2. Nourish Your Relationship:

In the chaos of daily life, it's easy to let your spouse take a backseat. Take the initiative to ask your partner, "What do I need to do to help you feel that our marriage is our top priority?" Listen attentively and take action.

 3. Spend Quality Time Together:

Quality time is the glue that holds a marriage together. Regularly invest in activities that strengthen your connection. Build friendship and lay the foundation for intimacy and lasting love.

 4. Choose Your Battles Wisely:

Instead of constantly correcting or criticizing your spouse, focus on the positives. Acknowledge their efforts and strengths rather than fixating on perceived flaws. Remember, encouragement goes a long way.

 5. Give Each Other Breaks:

Grant your partner the space they need. It's essential to have time for individual pursuits and personal growth. It's also important to maintain a strong connection as a couple.

 6. Talk About What's in Your Heart:

Open and honest communication is the bedrock of any successful marriage. Share your thoughts, fears, and dreams with your spouse. Encourage them to do the same, fostering a deeper understanding and connection.

 7. Focus on the Positive:

Cultivate an environment of positivity in your marriage. Celebrate each other's successes, no matter how small. Express gratitude for the positive aspects of your relationship.

 8. Keep Sex and Passion Alive:

Intimacy is a vital component of a thriving marriage. Make a conscious effort to keep the spark alive. Do this by showing regular affection. Communicate often. Be open to exploring each other's desires.

 9. Make Yourself Happy:

Your individual happiness contributes to the well-being of your marriage. Pursue activities that bring you joy, and encourage your spouse to do the same. A happy individual is more likely to contribute positively to the relationship.

 10. Hang Out with Marriage-Friendly People:

Surround yourselves with couples who share similar values and commitment to their relationships. Positive influences can inspire and support your own journey.

 11. Commit to Lifelong Learning:

Marriage is an ever-evolving journey. Embrace the opportunity for personal and relational growth. Commit to learning from each other and adapting to the changes that life brings.

 12. Don't Forget to Date Each Other:

Keep the romance alive by continuing to date each other. Plan regular date nights to create shared memories. This will reinforce the romantic aspects of your relationship.

 If you read through this list and were able to identify 3 or more areas that you'd like to improve, we want to help! Click the link below to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation and get your relationship back on track with the right support. 

Why Marriage Counseling is not a Quick Fix

“Five minutes to freedom.” 

“15 minutes a day to make six figures.”

“Change your entire life with this hack” 

I don't know about you but my IG feed is FULL of clickbait titles like this. My email inbox is also full of headlines like this. 

Social media and marketing are made to grab our attention and pull on our heart strings. People want to sell us on the notion that we aren't good enough without whatever they have to sell us. 

The therapy space is a little different. I’m not a coach. I’ll never claim to be a guru, and I’ll never splash photos of me and my husband across the Internet asking people - do you want what I have? The truth about those types of posts and emails is that anyone can portray their relationship any way they’d like. Social media is the highlight reel, and anyone who claims that having a great marriage comes easy is full of it! 

The truth is, I don’t have a quick and easy way for you to have the marriage of your dreams. Marriage is like anything else in that the grass grows where you water it. 

I’ve seen hundreds, maybe even thousands of clients over the past 15 years. Not all of them stick with me long-term, and I’d be lying if I told you they did {but clearly you know that I cannot physically see 1000 clients in one week - my max is actually 12}.

The reasons people quit therapy varies: Some of them don’t click with the therapist, some don’t want to make the financial investment, and some really want a quick fix. 

This last one is probably the hardest for me to see. I try to be as honest as possible about what couples can expect when they start marriage counseling. I tell them that they should plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months, and if they are going through infidelity recovery, it will be at least a year. 

Those are rough estimates. Most of the patterns that keep couples stuck in cycles of blow-out arguments, silent treatment, and other unhealthy patterns are due to each individual’s unresolved traumas. 

When people quit therapy and say that it isn’t working, it’s usually because they are unwilling to look at their own patterns and want so badly for the pain to end. Having a weekly reminder of what isn’t working is difficult and I’m totally aware of the lack of motivation that can hit you when you’re having a great day but you know that you have therapy later and are going to be encouraged to look at some heavy stuff. 

It’s easy to think that because you’ve been able to string together a few good days with no fights or negativity, that the relationship will be fine. But how many times have you thought that already, only to end up in the same place - hurting and looking for a way out? 

Marriage Counseling is hard. 

Marriage Counseling is a commitment. 

Marriage counseling will not improve your relationship overnight. 

Marriage counseling will only work as hard as you do. 

But that’s why my clients are some of the bravest people that I have ever met! 

The clients that stick with it, hunker down, and brace themselves to do the work - the ones that continue to show up week after week get stronger and stronger, and when they weather the eye of the storm, they come out on the other side with soooo much love, intimacy, self-discovery, and pride. 

Graduating couples from marriage counseling is the greatest perk of the job. The last session I have with couples is about reflecting on where they started. We talk about the ups and the downs, and then celebrate the new fulfilling connection they have worked so hard to create. It’s so much fun!

Thankfully there are also ways to make the process a little less challenging. Have I told you about Brainspotting yet? Actually, I know I did, I sent you an email about it a while back, but in case you didn’t get to it, I’ll link info here. (No hard feelings, I promise I don’t judge if you’re not fully reading every word I send you ;0) 

Brainspotting helps speed up the process towards healing. 

When I work with couples and one or both are struggling because they have unresolved traumas that are being triggered, I hit pause on our couples work and we do one or two sessions individually to work on those triggers and they feel so much relief once we do! Then we dive right back into our couples work and can keep moving forward. 

Before I was trained in Brainspotting this intersection when the trauma was triggered was such a challenge, it could take months and months to help the couple as a unit to get past this. 

I know I told you I don’t have a quick fix and that still rings true. Clients are still working while they are Brainspotting. They are still feeling big emotions and it is challenging, but it’s much more comfortable than walking around with it bouncing around, untethered. 

I also always end my Brainspotting sessions with an expansion spot - I help clients find something they’d like to feel; that might be peace, calm, excitement, or confidence, and they get to connect with that feeling in their body and it makes processing the difficult stuff so much more manageable! 

If you’re ready to do the work and have a truly transformed relationship I want to help! Click here and book your free 15-minute phone consultation, and we will find the right therapist in our office for you! 

Are you suffering in silence?

How long have you spent struggling in your relationship? How many nights have you spent crying alone in the dark, while your partner sleeps next to you, wondering when or how things will ever get better? How many times have you had the same argument and gotten the same results - retreating to your corner, alone, hurt, broken, and feeling helpless? 

My guess is way too many. 

But why do we suffer alone, in silence? 

I’ve heard a lot of interesting opinions about why people choose not to share what’s going on in their marriage. Things like, “we agreed we’d never talk to our family about our marital problems because we didn’t want anyone to have a negative opinion about our partner.” 

I’ve also heard, “It’s not always bad so I’m afraid it will sound like I’m just trashing my partner.” 

Along with other things like: 

“People will judge me.”

“People would be shocked if they knew how bad things are.” 

Our Western society teaches us in so many ways that we should suffer in silence. If you’ve ever been told as a child to go to your room because you were having big emotions, then it’s really easy to internalize the belief that your emotions are too much and that you should not burden others with them. 

Most parents of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s weren’t equipped with the skills of conscious parenting and were likely so uncomfortable with their own emotions that they couldn’t deal with ours. They weren’t privy to the research we have now that shows that stuffing and suppressing emotions actually leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.

But one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work, and in my own healing is that suffering alone can only get you so far. And it isn’t very far.

It's difficult to undo those patterns that you’ve learned in your childhood, or push past the myths of talking about problems in your marriage. It’s not easy to reach out and tell someone that you don’t have things under control. It’s humbling, and it’s hard. 

It can feel like no one will ever understand the nuances of your relationship. It's scary to open up and talk about what’s going on because you might be afraid that talking to a therapist might force you to leave or make other life-altering decisions. 

Unless you’re in physical danger, a good therapist will not tell you that you should end your relationship. That’s not our job. 

If you come to couples therapy saying that you want to fix the relationship then a good couples therapist will be focused on helping you do that. 

Talking about the pain you’re feeling in your relationship can make things feel more real, and I know how scary that can be. But once you put it all out there, it can feel so relieving, and when you see a great couples therapist, you will truly understand that you are not alone. 

One of my favorite parts of the therapy process are the first few sessions. I know that couples are uncomfortable sharing what’s really going on behind closed doors. But one of my greatest gifts is instilling hope and letting couples know that they aren’t alone.We’ve seen some really difficult issues in my practice. But my staff and I have helped so many couples weather those difficult storms and create amazing, healthy, connected relationships that surpass what people even think is possible when they first sit down on the couch.

We also have a formula for success that is backed by tons and tons of research! The Gottman Method is one of the most effective tools for helping couples improve their marriages. So you dont just come in and see how things go. 

Our staff take the time to truly understand your relationship and each of you as individuals. We start with a couples session to get a sense of the issues you’re struggling with and also conduct a relationship history - we ask about the significant events that have happened in the relationship. 

After that, we do an individual session with each partner to get a sense of your personal histories and backgrounds. These play an important role in the way you communicate with one another. 

We also send out the Relationship Checkup - an extensive background questionnaire that will measure various aspects of your relationship and communication patterns.

All of these components give us a really good picture of where your strengths are as a couple as well as the areas that can use improvement. 

Once we collect all of the important background information we sit down with each couple and show them all of the components the research tells us are required for a happy, healthy relationship. We show each couple where their strengths are, along with their weaknesses and areas that we will be focusing on going forward. 

Every couple that works with us knows exactly what their sessions will be focused on because they get a print-out of all of their strengths and weaknesses. There’s no guess-work. Our therapists get to work and help couples reach their goals. They focus on the issues and help couples create amazing, joyful, intimate, connected marriages. 

You don’t have to suffer alone. Once you put voice to what's happening the spinning in your head will stop. You can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

If any of this sounds like you, I want to help. Imagine what it will feel like moving into Fall feeling like you REALLY want to cozy up to your partner.  Imagine starting 2024 with a clear vision for the future of your relationship AND a supportive therapist behind you as you take those scary steps forward. 

Picture how connected you'll be this time next year after pushing past your fears - of failure, of not knowing where to start, of anyone knowing what’s really going on in your marriage - and seeing all of the progress you've made together. 

You'll be so proud of your relationship and you would have spent the last year learning, healing, connecting, and creating an unstoppable, deep, intimate bond and gained communication tools that you will have for the rest of your lives together. 

The things we teach couples take time and practice to implement, but once our couples understand what is under their behaviors, they begin to experience lasting change. They create more intimacy and their love continues to grow even after they graduate from therapy.  

Can Couples Therapy Make Things Worse?

I’ve heard a lot of strange reasons that couples don’t start the process of couples therapy. Seeing couples day in and day out often makes me forget about some of the myths that exist.

The couples I see are usually so ready to dig in and improve their relationships that sometimes I forget that people actually do believe some interesting things. 

One of the questions that I always ask couples is whether or not they have been in therapy before. I like to know what worked and what didn't work with their previous therapy so that I can make sure they get what they are looking for during our time together. 

Most recently, I asked a couple if they had been in therapy before and one partner piped up and said, “no we haven’t because she always told me that therapy would just make things worse and cause us to fight more.” 

I giggled a little. But then I asked, “what does fighting more mean to you?” 

It turns out this couple held the belief that having any conflict in marriage was a sign of an unhealthy marriage. This is not the first time I’ve heard this you can check out my other blog post on the topic here. Many people don’t understand that conflict gives us opportunities for learning, repair, understanding, growth, and creating a deeper connection. 

So when people ask, “can couples therapy make things worse?” The answer is: it’s possible. But read on to understand why: 

If you’re a couple who rarely argues and has a lot of passive-aggressive tendencies and patterns; then good couples therapy will help bring those issues out in a more direct manner, and it might feel like things are getting worse because there will be more overt conflict.  

If you’re a couple where one or both partners harbors a lot of resentment and rarely speaks openly to make requests; then good couples counseling will help bring things to the surface more directly and it very well could feel like things are getting worse because you may be so used to not having direct and open dialogue. 

If you’re a couple who had issues from one or both partner’s infidelity, and in order to continue the relationship agreed to just “move on” or “forgive and forget” what happened and rarely, if ever, talk about residual feelings stemming from those betrayals; then good couples therapy might bring those feelings to the surface and the relationship could seem worse because there will be a lot of things coming out that haven't been said. 

In all three of the above scenarios exist unhealthy patterns that typically lead to relationship dissatisfaction. So even without couples therapy there’s a high chance that those patterns could lead to divorce if left unchecked. 

When couples start therapy with us we like to paint a picture of what couples can expect and I typically have a conversation that goes something like this: 

In the beginning of couples therapy, the trajectory of relationship satisfaction tends to go up. The fact that you’re both committed to attending provides a sense of hope, and in the beginning most people find it easy to take direction. They dot their I’s and cross their T’s - they do the homework assigned by the therapist and they spend time focusing on important topics in session and learn to talk about things in a different way. 

This is mostly behavioral change. 

After a couple of months the couple will get into a fight. It is usually a fight about something they’ve been fighting about for a long time in the relationship, and at that point they will revert back to their old patterns. 

This fight can feel even worse than before they started therapy. 

The reason it feels worse is: people feel like because they are in therapy, they shouldn’t be doing things the old way, and they should “know better,” since they’ve been working hard learning new ways of behaving. 

The truth is: this is actually when the real work in couples therapy begins. 

This is when couples get to start to understand what is under their behavior. 

At this point in time a good couples therapist will help them look beneath the behavior at the various patterns that each partner brings to the table and they will begin to see how those patterns show up in different areas of their lives, including this relationship. 

Once each partner is able to identify the impact of the challenging or maladaptive patterns then they can begin to understand the patterns, understand themselves, and find ways to truly create lasting change in the relationship. 

I’m not going to lie to you - this part of the process can be really difficult and it’s when a lot of couples want to quit therapy. 

If you’re going from a relationship that rarely or never has conflict, to one that has open dialogue and direct communication then it can be quite eye-opening to make so many changes. 

But that doesn’t mean that it’s not for the better. 

Couples who come out on the other end have much higher levels of connection, intimacy, trust, and commitment. They have more passion and romance, and they have much deeper levels of friendship. 

When couples get out of their comfort zones, that is when good things begin to blossom. So yes, couples therapy can make things seemingly worse. But if you stick with it and push past those difficult times, it’s totally worth it!