Which Project Are You Taking On in Your Relationship?

When a relationship feels unsatisfying, many couples fall into one of three “projects” without even realizing it. These patterns are common, but they can also keep you feeling stuck and disconnected.

If you’re wondering how to break free, you’re not alone. Many couples in Rancho Cucamonga come to me for couples counseling or affair recovery intensives after finding themselves in these same cycles.

The question is: Which project are you taking on?

Project 1: Trying to Change Your Partner

If you’re longing to feel important, chosen, or like you truly matter, you may focus on getting your partner to behave differently. This often looks like:

• Criticizing them for not meeting your needs

• Using sarcasm or contempt when you feel ignored

• Shutting down with the silent treatment

The problem is—even if your partner changes temporarily, the deeper longing doesn’t go away.

Project 2: Trying to Change Yourself

Another common response is turning the energy inward. You may convince yourself that if you just worked harder or showed up “better,” things would improve.

This often looks like:

• Constantly anticipating your partner’s needs

• Shape-shifting or abandoning your own desires

• Over-functioning to keep the relationship afloat

The danger is that you lose yourself in the process, leaving you feeling unseen and unfulfilled.

Project 3: Giving Up and Numbing Out

When nothing seems to work, it’s easy to retreat into disconnection. Numbing out might look like:

• Scrolling endlessly on your phone 📱

• Over-exercising or binge drinking

• Using drugs or even looking outside the relationship for attention

While it may provide temporary relief, shutting down creates more distance between you and your partner.

Why These Projects Don’t Work

The truth is, you may bounce between all three of these strategies—and none of them bring lasting healing. That’s because what you’re seeking from your partner is often a mirror of a deeper wound within yourself.

If you grew up feeling unseen, unimportant, or unloved, no amount of attention from your partner will permanently fill that void. Until those core wounds are acknowledged and healed, the cycle continues.

How Couples Counseling in Rancho Cucamonga Can Help

When I work with couples, I don’t just teach quick-fix communication tips. Instead, I help uncover the root wounds that drive these patterns and guide couples through the process of healing.

This is where transformation begins.

Once you stop trying to change your partner—or yourself—in unhealthy ways, you can show up in your relationship grounded, open, and ready to connect. This is the foundation of real intimacy and lasting connection.

If you’d like to learn more about how intensives differ from weekly sessions, I’ve written a comprehensive guide: Everything You Need to Know About Couples Intensives in California.

Affair Recovery Intensives: A Deeper Path to Healing

For couples facing the aftermath of infidelity, weekly counseling may not feel like enough. That’s why many couples choose a focused 3-day affair recovery intensive in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. These intensives provide the space to:

• Process the betrayal in a structured, supportive way

• Uncover the deeper wounds beneath the affair

• Begin rebuilding safety and trust

If you’re curious about what that process looks like, you can read more here: What to Expect During a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive.

A Gentle Invitation 💙
If you recognize yourself in one (or more) of these “projects,” know this: you don’t have to stay stuck. Healing is possible, and with the right support, you and your partner can find your way back to one another.

Whether you’re seeking couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga, CA or are considering a couples intensive, I’d be honored to support you.

✨ Click here to schedule a consultation and begin the process of creating the relationship you’ve been longing for.

Frequently Asked Questions about Couples Counseling & Intensives

Do we have to be local to Rancho Cucamonga to attend an intensive?
Not at all. Many couples travel from other parts of California—and even out of state—for affair recovery intensives here. My office is conveniently located near Ontario International Airport, and I provide recommendations for nearby hotels.

How do I know if we need weekly couples counseling or an intensive?
Weekly couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga is often best for couples who are stuck in recurring patterns but feel some sense of stability in their relationship. An intensive is ideal for couples in crisis—such as recovering from an affair—or for those who want to accelerate their healing in a focused, immersive way. Intensives are also ideal for working professionals who might find it difficult to find reoccurring time each week to book consistent sessions but still want to make a huge impact on their relationship.

What can we expect from a 3-day affair recovery intensive?
These intensives provide a safe, structured environment to process the affair, understand the deeper attachment wounds, and begin repairing trust. You can learn more here: What to Expect During a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive.

Navigating Anger After an Affair: Why It’s Essential in the Healing Process

If you’ve recently discovered your partner’s affair, the emotional impact can feel absolutely devastating. First and foremost, I want to say: I’m so sorry. The wave of emotions you're experiencing—sadness, fear, confusion, and yes, anger—are not only valid, they’re a completely normal part of the process.

Many couples who come to me for affair recovery intensives are surprised by the depth of their emotional reactions. Often, the one emotion that feels the most overwhelming—and the most taboo—is anger.

But here’s the truth: anger has a place in the healing process. It’s not only normal, it’s necessary.

Why Anger After an Affair Makes Sense

When we experience betrayal, anger is often our psyche’s way of saying, “This is not okay. Something must change.”

Whether you’ve seen unhealthy expressions of anger in your past—like rage, violence, or passive-aggression—or you’ve been taught to suppress it entirely, many of us carry unhealthy beliefs about what it means to feel or show anger. Especially for women, anger can be labeled as "irrational" or "crazy," leading people to fear the emotion itself.

But anger is not the problem. What you do with your anger is what matters.

In couples therapy for high performing individuals, I often help clients reframe anger as a signal, not a threat. It tells us when boundaries have been crossed, when a pattern must change, or when a part of ourselves needs to be acknowledged. In the context of couples therapy and intensives for couples, we create space for anger to be expressed in a healthy, constructive way.

Unhealthy vs. Healthy Anger

It’s true that some expressions of anger—like yelling, throwing things, or slamming doors—might feel cathartic in the moment, but they usually lead to regret and further disconnect. That doesn’t mean anger itself is wrong. It means we need tools to express it differently.

In my affair recovery intensives and couples retreats in CA, I help couples navigate this often-volatile emotion. We explore:

• What the anger is trying to communicate

• How it can lead to healthy boundaries

• Why honoring anger can create movement toward healing

And most importantly, how to express it in a way that leads to reconnection rather than rupture.

Anger as a Catalyst for Change

Anger is not always a sign that the relationship is over. In fact, it can be the very thing that wakes us up to the reality that something must shift. It can be the beginning of a new conversation, one where both partners learn to listen more deeply and speak more honestly.

If you’re struggling with anger after infidelity, know that you don’t have to process it alone. An intensive for couples offers the time, space, and structure needed to dive into difficult emotions like anger without fear of judgment. These intensives are designed to help high-achieving, driven individuals and couples find clarity, healing, and direction—especially when traditional weekly therapy just isn’t enough.

Ready to Begin Healing?

If anger feels scary, overwhelming, or out of control, you’re not broken. You're human.

Let’s work together to create a space where that anger can be heard, understood, and transformed. Whether you're considering an affair recovery intensive, a couples retreat in California, or focused couples therapy tailored for high performers—I’m here to help guide you through it.

💬 Reach out to schedule a consultation. Your healing deserves dedicated time and care.

Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners? Here’s How to Reconnect

Couples Counseling Rancho Cucamonga, CA | Couples Therapy | Marriage Counseling

Do you and your partner feel more like roommates than lovers? If your relationship has shifted from passion and connection to simply coexisting, you’re not alone. Many couples experience this slow drift as life’s responsibilities take over. The good news? You can rebuild intimacy and strengthen your bond with intentional effort.

The Silent Drift: When Life Takes Over Your Relationship

Before kids, demanding careers, and endless to-do lists, spending time together felt effortless. You naturally enjoyed each other’s company, stayed up late talking, and made each other a priority. But over time, your conversations may have become more about schedules and responsibilities than love and connection.

Simply being in the same house every night isn’t enough. Sitting next to each other on the couch, scrolling through separate screens, or managing household duties side by side doesn’t replace real intimacy. If you feel like you’ve become more like roommates than romantic partners, it’s time to make a change.

Reconnecting: More Than Just a Date Night

As a couples therapist, I know that one of the most common recommendations is having a regular date night—but let’s be real. That advice often gets ignored because it seems too simple or too difficult to execute.

If you’ve been avoiding date nights because of time, money, or exhaustion, let’s shift the focus. Reconnecting doesn’t have to be expensive, complicated, or even at night. Here are some realistic, modern ways to prioritize your relationship:

1. Daily Check-ins

Take five minutes every day to ask each other meaningful questions. Not just “How was your day?” but “What’s something that made you happy today?” or “Is there anything on your mind that we haven’t talked about?” Small, intentional moments of emotional connection add up over time.

2. Screen-Free Connection Time

Dedicate one evening a week where you put your phones away, turn off the TV, and focus on each other. Cook a meal together, play a game, or sit outside and just talk.

3. Change Up Your Routine

If planning a big date night feels overwhelming, keep it simple! Try grabbing coffee together before work, taking a lunch break together, or going on a morning walk. The key is prioritizing connection—not just scheduling time.

4. Get Out of the House (Even for 30 Minutes!)

Sometimes, a change of scenery makes all the difference. Go for a drive, explore a local park, or watch the sunset together. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate outing—just intentional time away from distractions.

5. Bring Back the Fun

Laughter is a powerful way to reignite connection. Watch a comedy special, play a game, or try something fun together—like an escape room, a cooking class, or even karaoke at home.

6. Prioritize Physical Affection

Hug more. Hold hands. Kiss hello and goodbye. Physical touch strengthens emotional intimacy, even if it’s just a 10-second hug before heading out the door.

7. Schedule Uninterrupted Time Together

If you have kids, consider swapping babysitting duties with friends or scheduling an at-home date after bedtime. Even if it’s just one hour of distraction-free time, it reinforces that your relationship is a priority.

When You Need More Than a Date Night: Couples Therapy Can Help

Reconnecting as a couple isn’t just about spending more time together—it’s about addressing deeper patterns that may be causing disconnection. If you’re feeling distant, stuck in repetitive arguments, or unsure how to rebuild intimacy, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help.

💡 Ready to get to the root of your disconnection?

Let’s work together to rebuild your bond and strengthen your relationship. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation for couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. Your relationship deserves the time and attention to thrive!

Should you go to bed angry?

Let's bust a big fat myth today…

I’m sure you’ve heard that the best way to have a great marriage is to never go to bed angry. 

It’s concerning to me that couples will literally stay up all night going around and around with the same argument because they are trying to stick to this rule. 

I dunno about you but that sounds like a one-way ticket to complete exhaustion and a week of trying to make up for lost sleep. 

This rule is damaging because it doesn’t take into account the amount of damage that can be done by continuing to fight when you’re dysregulated. It doesn’t take into account the quality of communication that you’re having. You could be yelling, throwing things, name calling, and giving the silent treatment.

When couples start working with us not only do they learn how to regulate their emotions, but they understand their body’s warning signals that tell them when they are starting to become dysregulated. 

They learn how to call time-outs and how to respect one another’s requests to stop.  They learn how to return to the conversation when they are feeling more in control of their emotions. 

Our couples learn how to have conflict and still feel connected and loving. 

They don’t turn into enemies and they actually come to agreements about the things they are fighting about. 

There’s no more pushing things under the rug, walking on eggshells, or silent treatment. 

If you want to stop having marathon fights and learn how to improve your communication…

Click HERE and book your free 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you started with a couples expert and help you stop the marathon fights that go nowhere. 

Will Marriage Counseling Help? A note about Timing

After weeks of putting it off, I finally did it. I went into my backyard and I pulled out the jungle of weeds that had taken over. 

The weeds had been growing for months and months, and here in California, we had an exceptionally wet winter. I watched every day as the weeds grew taller and taller. But I was waiting for the perfect time to finally go out and clear the yard. 

As I watched and waited, the taller they grew, the more overwhelming the job seemed. 

With a gathering of friends at my home looming, and a stretch of sunny days in the forecast, I finally made the time to do it. The morning was hot AF, and by the time I was done my back and leg muscles were extremely sore and tired. 

As I was working, I thought about you, and I thought about timing. And how sometimes you just aren’t ready. Sometimes you know that the job ahead is going to be longer and harder the more you put it off, but sometimes it’s really just about finding that window of time to really dive into some of things that seem really daunting. 

I think this is the case for a lot of people like you who have been struggling in their marriages. You’ve probably watched the fights getting closer, and closer together, or the distance between you and your partner growing larger and larger as you spend days and days without speaking to one another. 

You know that things can get better, but you also know that you need guidance to get you to that place. 

Therapy might seem like that daunting task - the one that you know you really need to dive into.  

I totally understand that you might be waiting for the “right“ moment to start. 

But the longer you wait, the bigger the weeds will get, and the more muscle power you’ll need. Things aren’t always going to align and fall into place. So maybe this email is the gentle nudge that you need to pick up the phone and finally make your first couples therapy appointment. 

Or if you’re already in therapy with one of our rockstar therapists at Rancho Counseling, maybe this is the nudge that you need to go a little deeper in your next session; to bring up something that seemed daunting before, something that you know you’ve been needing to address. 

Once you truly lean in and trust in the process, there can be a little clearing for you to enjoy much like the one I created in my own backyard. 

My kids now have more area to play along with my dogs. 

When I look out the window, I no longer see a cumbersome task, but the edge of my yard filled with emptiness and opportunity to plant some new beautiful flowers that will be much more enjoyable than the weeds that once covered the area.

Leaning into your process and creating a clearing in your own mind or relationship will allow you the space to create something amazing! 

What is that for you? 

What do you wish you had more room for in the space between you and your partner? 

Once you clear all the BS, what will you fill the space with? More date nights? More sex? More connective, soul connecting conversations that feel supportive and fulfilling? 

Or if you’re solo, maybe freeing yourself from the hurt of your childhood traumas will give you the space to create more meaningful friendships or even a new romantic relationship?

Hit reply and let me know, or comment below. I love hearing from you! 

Now is actually a fantastic time to start therapy! Yahsemin just opened up several evening times in her schedule and has openings Thursdays from 3-7pm! 

Yahsemin is fantastic and has been with Rancho Counseling for over a year now. She’s gotten so much experience and training and is about to take her clinical exam for licensure! 

Yahsemin has worked with some of the most difficult cases over the last year here, she’s helped couples through the infidelity recovery process and has helped so many couples improve their communication and connection over the past year - I just had to throw out there how proud I am of her!