Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners? Here’s How to Reconnect

Couples Counseling Rancho Cucamonga, CA | Couples Therapy | Marriage Counseling

Do you and your partner feel more like roommates than lovers? If your relationship has shifted from passion and connection to simply coexisting, you’re not alone. Many couples experience this slow drift as life’s responsibilities take over. The good news? You can rebuild intimacy and strengthen your bond with intentional effort.

The Silent Drift: When Life Takes Over Your Relationship

Before kids, demanding careers, and endless to-do lists, spending time together felt effortless. You naturally enjoyed each other’s company, stayed up late talking, and made each other a priority. But over time, your conversations may have become more about schedules and responsibilities than love and connection.

Simply being in the same house every night isn’t enough. Sitting next to each other on the couch, scrolling through separate screens, or managing household duties side by side doesn’t replace real intimacy. If you feel like you’ve become more like roommates than romantic partners, it’s time to make a change.

Reconnecting: More Than Just a Date Night

As a couples therapist, I know that one of the most common recommendations is having a regular date night—but let’s be real. That advice often gets ignored because it seems too simple or too difficult to execute.

If you’ve been avoiding date nights because of time, money, or exhaustion, let’s shift the focus. Reconnecting doesn’t have to be expensive, complicated, or even at night. Here are some realistic, modern ways to prioritize your relationship:

1. Daily Check-ins

Take five minutes every day to ask each other meaningful questions. Not just “How was your day?” but “What’s something that made you happy today?” or “Is there anything on your mind that we haven’t talked about?” Small, intentional moments of emotional connection add up over time.

2. Screen-Free Connection Time

Dedicate one evening a week where you put your phones away, turn off the TV, and focus on each other. Cook a meal together, play a game, or sit outside and just talk.

3. Change Up Your Routine

If planning a big date night feels overwhelming, keep it simple! Try grabbing coffee together before work, taking a lunch break together, or going on a morning walk. The key is prioritizing connection—not just scheduling time.

4. Get Out of the House (Even for 30 Minutes!)

Sometimes, a change of scenery makes all the difference. Go for a drive, explore a local park, or watch the sunset together. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate outing—just intentional time away from distractions.

5. Bring Back the Fun

Laughter is a powerful way to reignite connection. Watch a comedy special, play a game, or try something fun together—like an escape room, a cooking class, or even karaoke at home.

6. Prioritize Physical Affection

Hug more. Hold hands. Kiss hello and goodbye. Physical touch strengthens emotional intimacy, even if it’s just a 10-second hug before heading out the door.

7. Schedule Uninterrupted Time Together

If you have kids, consider swapping babysitting duties with friends or scheduling an at-home date after bedtime. Even if it’s just one hour of distraction-free time, it reinforces that your relationship is a priority.

When You Need More Than a Date Night: Couples Therapy Can Help

Reconnecting as a couple isn’t just about spending more time together—it’s about addressing deeper patterns that may be causing disconnection. If you’re feeling distant, stuck in repetitive arguments, or unsure how to rebuild intimacy, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help.

💡 Ready to get to the root of your disconnection?

Let’s work together to rebuild your bond and strengthen your relationship. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation for couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. Your relationship deserves the time and attention to thrive!

Is a Couples Intensive what you really need this summer?

You know your relationship needs help. 

You know you’re tired of the fighting, the silence, the walking on eggshells. 

You’ve thought about calling for therapy so many times, you’ve clicked through and read everything on my website, but every time you think about booking your consultation you stop. 

You look at your calendar with all the upcoming events you have, and weekly therapy just never seems like a good idea. You don’t have a day every week to devote to the process even though you are SO ready. 

You’re ready for things to change. 

You’re ready to start feeling heard. 

You’re ready to dig deep but you’re also afraid that the process of healing your marriage will take a really long time. 

I get it. I too hate how freaking long healing can take. 

I love my clients and the work we do together, but the truth is: this model hasn’t been working for me either. 

The standard 50 minute sessions often go like this: 10 minutes to catch up and choose what we should work on, 30 minutes of work, an intervention, and intense emotion, 10 minutes to wrap up and summarize what was learned. 

I am so adamant about couples coming to see me on a weekly basis because there’s a lot to cover, and we can’t always wrap sessions up with a pretty bow. Sometimes you’ll have to sit in the discomfort of a cliff hanger until the next session. 

Healing attachment wounds, betrayals, and long-standing negative communication patterns takes hard work and dedication. It also takes consistency. 

Sometimes you just can’t get into the office once a week and that’s why I’ve started doing more intensive work with couples. 

I want you to reach your goals in a shorter period of time. 

Intensives are an accelerated form of therapy that help clients feel better faster. 

No more weekly appointments. No more watching the clock and trying to decide if the issue you’d like to bring up can be covered in the remaining 40 minutes of the session.   

These intensive sessions are so juicy and fruitful. There are no interruptions. No more starting and stopping until next week. 

You know that you’re ready to dig in and get uncomfortable, but rather than dragging it out week by week, for months, you can do it in two, 4 hour sessions or one, 8 hour session, once a month.  

Summer gets busy with travel and kids being out of school but that doesn’t mean that healing your relationship needs to remain on hold. 

Click the here to book your free phone consultation to find out how an intensive can work for you.

Should you go to bed angry?

Let's bust a big fat myth today…

I’m sure you’ve heard that the best way to have a great marriage is to never go to bed angry. 

It’s concerning to me that couples will literally stay up all night going around and around with the same argument because they are trying to stick to this rule. 

I dunno about you but that sounds like a one-way ticket to complete exhaustion and a week of trying to make up for lost sleep. 

This rule is damaging because it doesn’t take into account the amount of damage that can be done by continuing to fight when you’re dysregulated. It doesn’t take into account the quality of communication that you’re having. You could be yelling, throwing things, name calling, and giving the silent treatment.

When couples start working with us not only do they learn how to regulate their emotions, but they understand their body’s warning signals that tell them when they are starting to become dysregulated. 

They learn how to call time-outs and how to respect one another’s requests to stop.  They learn how to return to the conversation when they are feeling more in control of their emotions. 

Our couples learn how to have conflict and still feel connected and loving. 

They don’t turn into enemies and they actually come to agreements about the things they are fighting about. 

There’s no more pushing things under the rug, walking on eggshells, or silent treatment. 

If you want to stop having marathon fights and learn how to improve your communication…

Click HERE and book your free 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you started with a couples expert and help you stop the marathon fights that go nowhere. 

Avoiding Conflict in Marriage

Are you avoiding conflict in your marriage? 

The other day, my 6-year-old daughter asked me to do a craft with her. I had a whole list of to-dos that I wanted to get done that day, and I knew if I didn’t get started early, I’d never complete all the things on my list.

She begged and pleaded with me, and I gave in. We made an origami sword that she ended up being obsessed with. She said it made her feel so powerful.

I wish I could say it was a great activity and that it was totally worth pushing off my to-do list for.

But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

She asked me to do a craft WITH her, but I ended up doing it FOR her. She did some cutting and project management, but it was an involved process that included many folds, multiple papers, and a glue gun. It was not something she could have completed on her own.

I begrudgingly folded and glued, and even though she came with excitement and encouragement, I was resentful.

I felt the annoyance radiating through my body, and it didn’t allow me to show up with an open heart. I was short and uninterested. It wasn’t what she deserved. It wasn’t even her fault. It was mine.

I had said yes when I meant no. The entire project took maybe 30 minutes, but the entire time I was distracted thinking about what I needed to get done before we headed out on our camping trip the next day. I was grumpy and didn’t appreciate her enthusiasm and sweetness.

When it was finished, I totally regretted my withdrawn attitude.

That’s not how I want to show up in my relationship with her.

That’s not how any of us should show up in our relationships, but it’s how I see so many couples show up towards one another. When we say yes when we really mean no, it sets us up to feel resentment, and when we feel resentment, it impacts our mood and the way we approach the other person.

I was withdrawn with my daughter and unappreciative of her excitement.

How many times have you begrudgingly attended an event with your partner and looked for any reason not to have a good time? You might drag your feet and show up late or nitpick the food and criticize the company or even your partner. When we say yes when we mean no, it opens us up to act passive-aggressively, and that actually causes more issues in the long run.

So why do we do it?

Most people do it to avoid conflict.

They also do it to avoid disappointing their partner, and sometimes people do it because they are paying amends for something unrelated that’s happened in the relationship. If you feel like you have to go along with whatever your partner wants to do because you made a mistake in the past, then there’s really no amount of good deeds you can do to fix the situation.

You aren’t showing up authentically, and you’re doing a disservice to your partner and to the relationship. It’s usually a sign that you’re not addressing the issue by having open dialogue and saying all that needs to be said to move towards healing. Healing can come from doing your own inner work or working together as a couple.

If you’re ready to start 2024 with a fresh start and get everything out on the table, we’re here. Click the link below and sign up for a free 15-minute phone consultation with a therapist in Temecula, Rancho Cucamonga, online anywhere in California, or explore California couples retreats and intensives. Let's talk about the best way to help you reach your goals and strengthen your relationship.

FAQs about Marriage Counseling in Rancho Cucamonga

Living in or around #RanchoCucamonga is wonderful, there’s so much to see and do in Rancho Cucamonga and the surrounding areas. There is also fantastic shopping and some of the best business in Rancho Cucamonga. But what happens when you and your spouse can’t enjoy all of what the city has to offer because you keep getting into the same ruts in your marriage?

When you know it’s time to see a marriage counselor, you probably begin by googling Marriage Counseling in Rancho Cucamonga, and you will find some amazing marriage counselors in Rancho Cucamonga! But the next step isn’t always so clear. You probably have a ton of questions and that is totally normal. 

Not knowing what to ask can make you just stop in your tracks, but it doesn’t have to! I want you to get the best marriage counseling possible and know the answers to some of the most frequently asked questions to help you on your search. 

Here is a list of FAQs that I hear from most clients who call for marriage counseling. I’m including things from conversations we have in our first few sessions and also things I wish clients in my marriage counseling sessions knew about the work: 

Q. What is the fee for marriage counseling sessions? 

A. In my practice, the fee for each 60-minute individual or couples session is $195. The fee for each 90-minute Discernment Counseling session is $295. You will find a range of fees in the area based on length of sessions and the experience of the therapist. 

Q. How often should we come to marriage counseling sessions? 

A. We have found that therapy works best when clients come in weekly. By the time many clients come to therapy they are really ready for a change. Having weekly sessions helps to get the process started, and helps to gain some momentum. Many things can be happening on a daily basis, and having weekly sessions allows opportunity to discuss those things as they happen and leaves less time for things to fester. My therapists continually evaluate the way things are going, and when you begin to feel relief and goals are being met, your therapist will discuss when meetings can become less frequent - typically in the termination phase of therapy.

Some couples prefer to come to marriage counseling every other week or less frequently. In my 16 years of practice working with couples as a marriage counselor, I have found that when couples come in less frequently their sessions become catch-up sessions. They check in and talk about all the things that have gone on during the past two weeks and then we have only a short amount of time to get into the meat of the important learnings and practices that are really going to create lasting change and help the couple reach the goals they set at the beginning of marriage counseling. 

Q. How long should we continue to come to marriage counseling sessions? 

A. Each person and situation is different and most clients come to therapy for 8-20 sessions, but the length of treatment is always up to you and your therapist. The length of treatment is based on the amount of change you want to make, how deep you're hurt is, and how committed you are to making lasting change.

In my practice I tell couples to plan to be in marriage counseling for at least 6 months. This is not an arbitrary number - it is the length of time it takes couples to begin to see lasting change happen. It is about the time the start to understand what is under their behaviors and when they begin to look at their triggers and unresolved trauma. 

In the beginning, marriage counseling helps couples look at their issues from a behavioral standpoint and the satisfaction level increases because the couple is invested in doing the work and they feel hopeful about improving their marriage. They do their homework and show up to marriage counseling sessions and tend to be on their best behavior. But behavior change only lasts for so long and then the couple will find themselves engaging in some of their old patterns and things can feel a bit worse. 

This is the point where my staff and I guide our clients and encourage them to truly lean into the process of marriage counseling. This is the point where the magic happens! It is where we help couples understand why it is so difficult for them to implement the behavioral changes - it typically has to do with unresolved traumas and attachment wounds and when we begin diving into those couples can truly transform their marriages.   

Q. What if I want to use my insurance? 

A. We do our best to keep our work in marriage counseling separate from insurance companies. In doing so, we find that clients are able to better reach their goals, and make more progress in therapy. Oftentimes insurance companies dictate the amount of sessions that clients need, and how work should be completed.

We believe that these decisions should be made by the client and therapist. Insurance companies also require that we make a clinical mental health diagnosis, which we do not believe is necessary in order for marriage counseling to be effective. While we do not provide insurance billing, we can however provide you with a receipt which is accepted from some PPO insurances, and a reimbursement may be provided.

Not working with insurance gives clients the utmost choice and control over their healing process, and it gives us the ability to set lower fees, and to have more time to focus on clients, which is what we really love to do!

If you need to use your insurance, that is totally understandable. Just make sure that marriage counseling is something that is covered directly by your insurance plan by calling them first and then asking them to send you a list of providers who take your particular insurance plan. That way there are no surprises once you get in to see the marriage counselor. 

I hope this helps you find the right marriage counselor in Rancho Cucamonga. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call us at (909) 600-0306 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. We’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with marriage counseling, you can schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation here.