Why do people cheat?

I just wrapped up a podcast interview, and I was asked by the host a question that I get asked a lot – why do people cheat? In my practice I work with 3 groups of clients:

The first group are the men and women who have cheated, and they are looking to understand why they did what they did, and they’re also trying to understand the loss of their relationship and start over.

The second group are the couples where one partner has cheated, but they’ve resolved to stick together for the time being and see if they can repair their relationship.

The third group are the men or women who have been injured by their partner’s cheating, and for whatever reason their partner isn’t willing to come to therapy with them, and they are trying to make sense of what’s happened and make the best decisions about how to move forward whether that be with or without their partner.

No matter which group the client falls into, they inevitably ask me why? Why would my partner do this to me? Why would my partner risk what we have for a temporary fling, or a long-term relationship with someone else without first just breaking up our marriage?

I’ll start with the caveat that I’m not a researcher, but of course I have my own observations from what I see in my practice, and I read the research. People cheat for all sorts of different reasons, and it happens in all demographics – men cheat, women cheat, people in their 50’s cheat, and so do people in their 20’s and 30’s.

When I break it down to the smallest common denominator, and really get to the bottom of the reasoning I’d say they do it because it makes them feel alive in some way. It’s exciting. It brings out parts of them that have become dormant during the course of their marriage, although it doesn’t always appear that way looking at it on the outside.

When you look at it in a more broad sense, a man can be cheating on his wife because he’s not satisfied with their relationship – and it doesn’t always have to be the sexual relationship. It could be that he’s not happy because things have become stagnant, they aren’t talking about what’s important and they aren't connecting in a way that breeds intimacy. 

This man may be doing things just to appease his wife because he doesn’t want to deal with her controlling nature, or her nagging him and so he’s become quiet in some way, he’s become inauthentic and no longer true to himself and he meets this other woman at just the right time, and this other women makes those parts of him come alive.

Cheating can also come from a sense of loss. A woman may cheat after she’s lost something or someone – she may have lost a parent, or her sense of freedom as she’s become a parent herself. Through this experience of loss there are parts of her that she’s also lost and so she is looking to feel alive, and an affair creates a sense of life within her.

Cheating is also much easier than a long-term marriage. It can be all the fun parts of the beginning of a relationship that bring about that rush of emotions and euphoria that comes along with newness, and there’s no dealing with juggling the kid’s carpool or sports schedules. There is a freedom that comes along with an isolated relationship that exists only in those few hours in which both parties can sneak away.

While every couple and every situation is different and it may look very different on the outside, inside people are trying to feel more alive in some way. I am in no way condoning cheating as a mechanism of coping, however in order to do this work, I have to “get it,” and find understanding without judgment.

If you are struggling to make sense of an infidelity, I’d love to help. You can contact me for a free phone consultation at (909) 226-6124 and I’d be happy to help you begin the healing process.

If you have recently discovered your partner has been unfaithful, and are wondering what you should do next, click here to get my free guide, "My husband cheated: Communicating with your partner in the wake of Infidelity," it will help you take the right steps after such a life-altering discovery and learn what to do in order to have effective communication. 

Adultery, Infidelity, Cheating. When am I crossing the Line?

In my practice I meet with couples who are struggling to have the happy, healthy relationship they dreamed of when they said, “I do.” Often times each partner has a different expectation and they aren’t meeting in the middle. When it comes to infidelity, I often get asked, “what’s considered cheating?”

Is it a lap dance at a bachelor party? A visit to a porn site? A flirty text, phone call, or facebook message with an old boyfriend? Do you have to have sex for it to be considered cheating?

These questions often arise in my work with couples, and as much as I’d love to give a definitive answer on each, that’s not my place, and my answer is always the same – it depends.

Depending on your background and history with cheating, your feeling of security in the relationship, and feeling of connectedness with your partner, your answers will likely be different than the next persons, and may even be different than your partner’s.

The most important thing is for you to talk with your partner about your expectations, what makes you feel insecure, and what’s definitely crossing the line. Having these conversations early on can be extremely helpful as you navigate the hills and valleys of life with your partner.

Of course this is best-case scenario, and I know not everyone reading this is in the beginning stages of their relationship. So what if that line’s already been crossed? The most important piece in working through infidelity – whatever the form, is recognizing what was occurring for each of you leading up to the act.

Each partner has a contribution. And I know if you’ve been cheated on by your partner, you may be saying, WTF?? It’s often difficult to see your contribution to an affair, and I totally understand that this may sound crazy if you haven’t crossed that line yourself, but stay with me.

Partners who don’t cheat, but are distant in some other way can also cause damage to the relationship without realizing it. By no means am I condoning an affair, and it’s not about one partner “deserving it,” but it’s about recognizing habits that can cause distance and a need to search elsewhere.

Getting to the point where each partner is able to see their contribution can feel like going through hell and back. But once it’s done, it can be an amazing starting-off point for creating a new relationship where each partner is clear on what they want in the relationship, and how they need to relate to one another in order to keep an infidelity from happening again.

People cheat for many different reasons, but in most cases they are looking for something they aren’t feeling. It isn’t always about the act itself. If you’re teetering on crossing that line, ask yourself what you’re looking for that you’re not getting from your relationship, and have a conversation with your partner about it.

If you’re struggling to have that conversation, I’d love to help. You can contact me at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation where we can discuss ways to get you back on track, and how you might benefit from couples counseling. 

Tips for finding the right therapist in Rancho Cucamonga

I recently got a facebook message from a friend I worked with back in the day. She told me she was looking to make some important changes in her life, and thought it was time to talk with a therapist.

Without asking her all of the details, I just asked a few questions that would help me understand what she was looking for. She said she was having issues with her boyfriend, and wasn’t sure if this was the relationship she should be in.

She said she was looking for someone in the area, preferably Rancho Cucamonga. Now, because of our ethical standards, psychologists, MFTs, and LCSWs do not take on clients they already have a relationship with.

This is considered a dual relationship, and in order to give the best therapeutic services to our clients, it’s important that another relationship does not exist prior to the therapeutic relationship as it has a tendency to make things messy. Basically it’s a no-no in our profession.

I gave my friend a few tips about looking for a therapist in Rancho Cucamonga, which I think are pretty helpful so I thought I’d share them with you as well:

A Licensed Psychologist, Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice setting can all provide talk-therapy.

Their licenses are each governed by different boards, which dictate where they can practice, their scope of practice, and what their licensing requirements are.

In my opinion, the most important factor in finding the right therapist is their specialty.

If I’m having issues with my vision, and I think I might need glasses, I’m likely not going to go to a Cardiologist. I’m going to look for an optometrist.

This is the same with counseling. If you’re looking for help with your romantic relationship, you wouldn’t necessarily want to go to a therapist who specializes in working with children and who does mostly play-therapy.

Regardless of the letters that come after their name, therapists usually have a specialization. For me, it’s women struggling with divorce and infidelity.

In addition to the required coursework and licensing requirements I’ve fulfilled, I completed and internship where I mainly worked with women who were starting over in their lives.

This gave me the passion to continue to work with women in my private practice, and continue to educate myself about how to best work with these issues.

I attend conferences and workshops with this subject matter, read books and articles, and consume a great deal of information about ways to help my clients who are going through divorce and infidelity.

Word of mouth referrals are great. If you feel comfortable talking to friends and family about a great therapist they might have seen for a similar issue that can be super helpful.

I totally get it if you don’t want to put that out there though, and so the internet can be a great tool in finding the right therapist in Rancho Cucamonga. There are online therapy listings where you can find someone that specializes in what you’re looking for help with.

Taking the time to educate yourself about what the therapist does and how they work can be really helpful in reducing the anxiety that often comes with making your first appointment. Check out their website, and call for a consultation so that you can get a feel for them over the phone.

If you were to line up three great therapists, but you just don’t click with two of them, then they’re just not the right match for you, and that’s completely ok! You’re going to be delving into a lot of personal and private information, and feeling comfortable with the person helping you is really important, because it can greatly affect the outcome of your therapeutic process.

Lastly, decide whether you are going to use insurance or pay out of pocket for therapy. If you are looking to use insurance to offset the cost, then it’s important to find out through your insurance company what they cover, and which therapists are in your network.

You can ask your insurance company for a list of therapists in Rancho Cucamonga, and then look through those to be sure they specialize in what you’re looking for help with.

This can sometimes limit the number of therapists you are able to see. Many of my clients have insurance but opt not to use it because they were unable to find someone who specializes in divorce and infidelity that was covered by their insurance company, or they just didn’t click with the therapists they talked to who were covered by their insurance plan.

I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Rancho Cucamonga. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at (909) 226-6124 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with divorce or infidelity, you can read more about how I can help by visiting my website at www.ranchocounseling.com.